The Downside of Dating an Attention Whore
Name: Betrayed
State: New York
Age: 25
Comment: I am a 25 year old male and have been with my girlfriend for 6 1/2 months. She is very social and outgoing and likes talking to people in general, whether or not she knows them. I know she would never cheat on me. She sees me five or six times a week. She gives me attention. We both agree that talking to the opposite sex socially is fine but flirting with them is a form of cheating and a big no no. I never see her flirt with another guy and she hasn’t expressed interest in another guy. However every so often she makes comments. She said on facebook she was losing her voice and that guys might see it as a turn on. I couldn’t believe she mentioned other guys and not me. She wore a revealing french maid costume to work and got hit on by men but told me she ignored them. And once when we were out with her female friend and her friend said her breasts hanging out of her french maid costume guys would find sexy. And my girlfriend laughed. Why is my girlfriend making these comments if she really isn’t interested in other guys? Am I wrong to be jealous and upset with her? If she really wanted the attention why does she just see me and not other guys too? I tried to break up with her over this but she talked me out of it which made me think she really does just want me. She could have taken the opportunity to be promiscuous. Please help!
First things first. Let’s address the “flirting is cheating” rule you and she have decided upon. If you really believe that, then expect to be “cheated on” the rest of your life. Sometimes flirting is an involuntary reaction when you find yourself conversing with someone whom you feel attracted. It’s easy to say that, once you’re in a relationship, that those things need to stop. Well, unless your partner is stapled to your hip, sometimes you’re going to forget. I found myself engaging in a Twitter conversation last week with a guy. I almost responded to something he said with something flirty. Before I hit send, I realized what I was doing and re-wrote the tweet. Sometimes you just…forget. Doesn’t mean you care any less for your partner. It just means you got caught up in the tweet. Or moment. This is going to happen. In a typical relationship, where there is genuine trust, then the occasional bout of flirtitis is not a threat.
However, in your case, you do have something to be concerned about. While I don’t think you’re girlfriend is cheating on you, she does seem to need quite a bit of attention. Here’s what bothers me about your letter. It’s not that your girlfriend is writing flirty wall comments or status updates. It’s that she’s talking as though you don’t exist. Like there’s no chance that you’ll even see what she’s writes or hear what she says. That is what makes her flirty demeanor disrespectful. It’s like she’s putting you down in a subversive way by speaking as though you aren’t within earshot. She’s not outwardly criticizing you. But she is insulting you.
This need for attention isn’t about the other guys. She probably doesn’t want them. She’s not saying what she says to encourage the men. She just likes the idea of men thinking of her. And the thing is, this is not just something women do. I’ve seen men conduct themselves in the exact same way. Look at Marshmallow’s story. That guy? Big fat attention whore engaging two women who didn’t seem to have much going on in their lives but him. That’s what these types of people want. They don’t want people with full lives or other responsibilities. They want people with very little going on personally. That way they can devote all their time and energy to them and who will make themselves available whenever the Attention Whore feels like giving them attention.
My friend was recently dating a guy that she met online. I never liked him from the moment she showed me his profile and told her so, as it reeked of self-importance. After about a month, he came to her and asked her to make her Facebook page unsearchable, saying he had this “crazy ex” who was harassing him. Again with the frakkin’ Facebook. She asked him who she was so she could block her. He wouldn’t tell her. She dumped him a couple weeks later. Now, there’s really only one reason a person in that situation would not reveal the name. And that reason is…they’re hiding something or exacerbating or flat out lying about the situation to make themselves sound more important. They’re trying to rope their significant other in to their need for drama and attention. Drama that wouldn’t even exist had they not been looking for it in the first place.
The status updates, the french maid costume…these are all attempts at getting male attention. Which is perfectly fine. We all like attention and seek it out in various ways. Where situations like this become unhealthy is when the need for attention appears bottomless. It’s healthy to want to know that those you find attractive return the attraction. But there’s the typical need for attention we have and then there’s self-obsession. The OP’s girlfriend seems oblivious to what her commentary does to her boyfriend. It’s almost like she doesn’t really care, because her need for validation surpasses the needs of anyone else. My friend’s guy? He had no problem momentarily freaking her out and probably had no idea (or really cared) that he was opening up a big can of worms for himself. He just wanted to see how far she would go to please him and hang on to him.
All of this is done out of a desire to create a sense of urgency around the person seeking attention. As if they want their mate’s to feel threatened in some way and become consumed with thoughts of how to keep the other person happy. Sounds kind of pathological, doesn’t it? That’s because it is. It’s a need that runs so deep that it likely can never be fulfilled completely. These people – the drama queens and attention whores – will continue to seek out the insecure, the young, the naive, the impressionable, as those people are their only options.
Listen to the OP. Do you hear how threatened he is by all of this? That’s what she wants. Only she doesn’t even know it. She’s oblivious to it. That’s what makes people like this so emotionally dangerous. She probably continuously finds herself in situations with men who are “too possessive” or “too insecure” completely unaware that she’s creating that reaction, at least partly. She probably has no idea that she’s drawn to men who already are somewhat insecure or easily threatened. My friend’s guy probably is constantly in situations where there is “drama.” He is so lacking in self-awareness that he doesn’t even realize that the common denominator is him.
I tried to break up with her over this but she talked me out of it which made me think she really does just want me.
Eh. Maybe. More likely she doesn’t want to lose the attention and validation you provide for her. She doesn’t necessarily want to date the other guys. She just wants attention. You can stay with her, but most likely nothing you give her in the form of attention is going to be enough.
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