How Does He Fight The Urge to Cheat?
Name: Zean
State: NY
Age: 32
Comment: Hello Moxie,
I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost 4 years. I am going to ask her to marry me this year and I’d like to start a family with her. However, I can’t stop looking at other women and I often wonder what it would be like to have sex with another women. I’ve had chances on business trips but I have not acted on them. The last one (and fifth chance since I’ve been with her) was on a business trip last week and I flirted a little and so did she. But, I realized what I was doing, got freaked and left the situation.I know looking and lusting for others is natural and this isn’t the first relationship I’ve been in but she’s the one. I don’t want to flirt with other women and I don’t want to come any closer to another woman. And this women was also attractive so it’s not a case of not wanting to sleep with her anyway. My problem is that I think of other women and I want to stop thinking of other women. Thinking of other women eventually seems to lead to cheating. I don’t want to date anyone else and I enjoy spending time with my girlfriend. She’s one of my best friends. I talk about almost everything with her but certainly not this issue. I want to come home to her, watch movies with her, walk around with her, eat dinner and cook with her and I want to have sex with her too. I’m attracted to her and yes, the sex life has ups and downs but I’m still generally satisfied. I have no doubts about marrying her.
I don’t like seeing a woman and thinking about what it would be like to have sex with that person because it seems to lead to acting on it. I have three good friends and two are married (and one has children). Both of the married ones have cheated on their wives and say it’s “natural” to look and want to have other women. They both told me it helps their marriage because they don’t have to leave the marriage and that they love their wives. I don’t buy that rationalization and it’ll bite them back later. My other friend is in a 2 year relationship and has cheated on his girlfriend a few times yet claims he loves her. I can’t beleive how many of my other acquantences have also cheated and think nothing of it. I have never cheated on any girlfriend and I don’t want to.
I told them that I don’t understand it and I’m afraid of cheating. They’re somewhat understanding of my feeling but they say (paraphrasing), ‘You’ll see. We’re not built like women. There are too many women to stay with one sexually but if you find a good one, then marry her.’ Neither of the women are aware and none would be too happy knowing this. Of course, I have to deal with some jokes about how I’m really a “woman.” I don’t want to end up like my friends, who, as I’ve warned them, are headed towards divorce.
So, I guess my questions are:
1) Does it ever go away? Does the urge get stronger the longer that you’re in a relationship? This is the longest relationship I’ve been in (and I’m 32). I’ve had two relationships that lasted about a little less than a year each (with some various dating for a month or 6 months and in between.) I’ve always looked at other women but I figured it was natural. I thought that it would stop when I met the girl I want to marry. But, it hasn’t. I don’t want to have a child with her and then cheat on her.2) Do women feel like this? I can’t ask my female friends because they’ll just think I’m a jerk for even thinking of anyone other than my girlfriend. I assume women still look but do they think, “I’d like to have sex with that guy,” when they’re happily in a relationship? Once a woman is in a relationship, why does it seem they’re more okay with not being attracted to other men, than men are? Or why does it seem they can control their urges better?
I wish there was a pill you could take that would only make you attracted to the person you love. Then all this would be easier.
Thanks for reading this.
why does it seem they’re more okay with not being attracted to other men, than men are? Or why does it seem they can control their urges better?
The key word here is “seem.” This is how you perceive the situation, probably because you don’t hear of or see and stories about women sending pics of their boobs or vaginas to 18 year old college studs or tales of nailing their assistants or nannies in some oval office. It’s been widely documented that men and women cheat equally. So we do experience the some of same primal urges and inner conflict. I think a big reason why fewer women are outed for their indiscretions is because the guys we’re having sex with are just in it for the sex. They don’t really care if we never leave our boyfriends or husbands. Therefore, there is no need to seek revenge or any form of retribution. That, I think, is a primarily female thing to do, again playing in to the competitive nature that many women possess. That’s why, in almost every cheesy movie about adultery, there’s usually a showdown between the wife/girlfriend and the mistress. That’s what it (bunny) boils down to in most cases. A misguided competition. The mistress completely overlooks the fact that this guy she’s fighting over is cheating on his significant other, thereby making him an ass. So what does that make her? It makes her a crazy bitch fighting to “keep” or “have” a douchebag. Pointless. Smart women who engage these types of unavailable men do it for the sex only. They recognize the man’s critical flaws. They don’t want them in any other capacity. Unfortunately many women resort to confronting or contacting the GF/Wife “to warn her.” Usually it’s just an attempt to knock the other woman out of contention or a way to cause the man pain because she’s in pain. Many say that they’re trying to help or looking out for the other woman, but they’re not. (Some are genuine with this, but I think they are exceptions to the rule and not the rule.) Trust me, ladies. If a guy truly is the lying or cheating douchebag you believe him to be (and he often is), that woman will figure it out soon enough. If she doesn’t, then that’s only because she doesn’t want to. In which case there is no saving her.
I can’t believe how many of my other acquantences have also cheated and think nothing of it. I have never cheated on any girlfriend and I don’t want to.
Is it that you don’t want to cheat, or is it that you’re afraid to? Because, to me, it doesn’t sounds like you resent your friends for cheating. It sounds like you resent their ability to do it and not feel guilty. Which, to me, says you do want to have sex with these women, but your fear of the overwhelming guilt is what is preventing you from doing so. Not some altruistic belief or because you strongly feel cheating is wrong.You’re quite busy shaming your male counterparts in this letter, and all that ever says to me is that the person doing the shaming is the one feeling the shame.
I wish there was a pill you could take that would only make you attracted to the person you love. Then all this would be easier.
Forgive the analogy, but it’s like a pedophile taking all kinds of medications to quell their sexual urges. It might prevent them from molesting a child, but it doesn’t not make them a pedophile. The threat is still and will always be present, whether it’s acted upon or not. As long as those feelings are there and are as strong as they appear to be for you, you’ve got a problem, and getting married isn’t going to make it go away.
Thinking of other women eventually seems to lead to cheating.
I’m not sure I agree with this. I think the more accurate explanation is that thinking of cheating leads to cheating. You’re not just consumed with the idea of having sex with these other women. You’re fixated on the cheating part. That’s what is concerning to me. You’re focused on the part that involves acting upon those urges. Not just the urges themselves.
The desire is always going to be there. It doesn’t go away. That it seems, based on the urgency in your letter, to be causing such an internal crisis within you makes me think that you’re not ready to be married. At least not until you’re at a point where you can stop beating yourself up for having what I happen to believe are natural feelings.
It doesn’t sound like you’ve had many partners or much relationship experience in general. That, too, I think is playing a part in all of this. I think maybe the desire and concern about cheating is, if I may play arm chair psychologist, is a manifestation of a completely different but certainly connected concern or fear. Like maybe you fear you haven’t experienced all that you think you should have.
This feels like a “I’m going to propose because I think I should” situation more than a “this is The One I’ve been waiting for and I’d be a fool to let her go” one.
My advice? Hmm…I might get flamed for this…but I think you need to step back from the relationship. For two reasons. One, because I think you need time to really figure out if you’re ready to be married without outside influences. And two…to get some of the poison out of your system, so to speak. Basically I’m saying that you need to have sex with other women, Zean, before you decide to forsake all others.
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