What Single Women Are Really Up Against Today
Name: Lisa
State: TX
Age: 37
Comment: Hi Moxie & friends,
I think I need some perspective here.Situation:
Meet guy online, chat a few times.
Meet guy in person, have hours of delicious fun sex.
Both consistently make plans with each other for sex over summer.
Both do not ‘chase’ the other. This is clear.
He spend hours of time with me (mostly talking) before sex.
Agreement: I continue to date other men, but will not have sex with others before telling guy. Guy will continue his dating pursuits with the same condition.
So far as I know, we’ve held to our agreement.
This is 5 months going now.
Lately, we see each other like every other Friday.
We do not go on dates.
He has not been to my house or met my friends.
We do not chat on the phone in-between.
We text & chat on yahoo some.
He gives me small sweet gifts and holds my hand when we’re together.
He regularly asks if I’ve been on a date.
He treats me more passionately in bed than anyone I have ever been with (eye contact, holding hands, millions of kisses, completely open and free, concerned with my climax).
He has trusted me with private information about his business.
He has asked about my future, my past love life, and even my thoughts on babies.
I’ve never been married, nor do I have kids.
He is 33, European born/raised, & has been in the US for over 10 yrs now.
He works 7 days a week with long late hours & is often exhausted.
He recently took his profile down from OK cupid (where we met).
He doesn’t give me a hard time about anything.
Lately, I feel I have been doing all the initiating of plans/contact.
I recently told him I didn’t like the situation anymore because of his unavailability.
He admitted he was wrong (didn’t call when he said he would-was sick) and apologized/explained and made plans with me for the next weekend.
I feel I may be dealing with the huge/fragile ego.
I fear I may also have a huge/fragile ego.Dear Mr. 5 months of ‘casual sex’,
When I met you I truly did not expect to come home with you and have sex for hours and hours. But the fact is we did do that and it was wonderful. I enjoyed our time together all summer.
I have never had a sex-only relationship with someone. So this is strange and new to me. When I have this much sexual connection with someone, it is natural to grow to care for them as I have for you. You are sweet and I think you try to be good to me and I feel like we connect really well in many ways, yet there are some things about this situation that feel bad to me.
It is like I said before, you do not show that you really have much time for a woman in your life, even casually. It is for this reason alone that I have made attempts to back away. It is hard to do because I like you and you seem to want to keep it going. I must admit it is a little confusing. I do not ever want to play games or manipulate a situation. I just want to be honest and happy. I have simply wanted to spend time with you because it feels good when we are together.
When I sent that text a couple weeks ago saying that I don’t like this situation anymore, you know it was because I hadn’t heard from you. But it is even more than that. I know that if you really liked me and wanted to see me more, then you would make the effort… and maybe even take me on a date. But from what I can see, this is still all just for a little sex. I am not faulting you for this… it is how we started! But even then, once every 2 or 3 weeks is not enough for me. I mean, is it really worth it?
There are men who want to take me on dates and spend time with me each week. So I ask myself then, why are you focused on [Mr. 5 months of ‘casual sex’]? It is because I have connected with you. I am human and I feel this is natural. I do not think casual sex over this long period of time is for me because I am a passionate and warmhearted person. So if I am seeing things clearly, what seems best for me to do is end things now.
Thanks for the good times and take care.
—–So… I do obviously want to see him more often, have the mind-blowing sex, and continue to experience the connection we do have. But I also want to take it slow. I don’t necessarily see him as ‘the one’, nor do I want to rush into a major commitment. I just want to see where it could go. But I can’t and will not try to MAKE that happen. Anyway, it is not currently happening so I just feel like it is best for me to be open with him in this letter and cut it off for my own sanity. It makes us crazy when they do not pursue. Thoughts?
Okay. I think you’re trying to pigeon hole this guy in to a negative category so you can justify your frustration. What you should be doing, instead of trying to change or alter what you have going on, is accept it as what it is.
We like to label these men the ones who fear commitment or refuse to grow up. In reality, they are neither. They’ve just decided that they’d either rather date someone casually, even for an extended period of time, in an open ended and undefined fashion. Or they’re refusing to jump through hoops and play guessing games and “work for it.”
Many articles and stories (mostly if not exclusively written by women) have spoken about the decline in marriages, citing the alleged fact that – due to the economy and the fact that there are more women graduating college and in the workforce than men – that there are now fewer men who are “marriage material.” What these pieces basically do is imply that, since fewer men are high earners or hold degrees, most women are deciding that there are fewer men out there that will make suitable partners and choosing not to settle down or marry.
Rarely do these same authors ever challenge how women determines if a man is “marriage material” and if it’s justified or accurate. They don’t question the hypocrisy surrounding this supposed reason for why fewer women are marrying. Especially given the fact that many men, if not most, don’t place the same level of importance on how much a woman makes or how educated she is. Something else rarely factored in to this equation is the number of women out there who, themselves, are totally emotionally ambivalent and unavailable. Fear of commitment isn’t just for men any more.
In response, many of these men are choosing to exercise their options rather than deal with hoop jumping. They’re not sticking around those women long enough to be judged based on things for which they never judged women in the first place .
Don’t kid yourselves. There’s a movement going on out there amongst men. People think I’m being dour and negative. I’m really not. I’m trying to get women to understand what they are up against.
These women are being replaced with the slew of women out there who don’t want or need a man to prove himself, for various reasons. Either the woman herself has decided she doesn’t need or want something committed and is fine with casually dating. Or she has let go of all the rules and guidelines and other trappings that keep many women single. These women are paying their share of the bill, they’re perfectly comfortable being the breadwinners, and they’re not following anybody else’s rules about sex. They’re not listening to their friends or peers. They’re doing what they want. These are the women who are getting the relationships they seek. As Crotch Rocket once said. It’s not that men fear commitment. It’s that they fear committing to the wrong woman. Many of these men are committing. They’re just committing to the women who are available and free of all the rules and requirements.
Back to you, OP. You seem to be a little melodramatic here. If he’s not giving you what you want, leave. That’s it. But don’t demonize him for not fulfilling expectations that he never agreed to meet in the first place. If you must send him an email, get rid of that monologue above. It’s ridiculously involved and makes this guy very aware just how much you have thought about this, thereby scaring the bejeebus out of him. All you say is, “I’m hoping to spend more time together. Once every couple of weeks isn’t enough for me to continue to do this. Do you see yourself being able to give more time?” No ultimatums or passive aggressive reveals about all the dates you’re passing up. He’s either going to try to meet your requested expectation or he’s going to be honest. But I have a feeling that, even if he says he can’t give you what you want, you’re still going to continue getting together with him. So I think you’re spinning your wheels here.
Those are my thoughts.
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