Name: Growing Disinterested
State: NJ
Age: 33
Comment: This is long…So I met a guy from okcupid. We messaged each other for a few days and then nothing for a week from him. I wasn’t meeting anyone that I found interesting so I was going to leave the site. Before I did I sent him a message asking if he was still interested in chatting. He said yes and sorry for not messaging me he was busy with work. We exchanged numbers and a few days later we met. From the first meeting he talks about how he wants a relationship and likes me and doesn’t want to see anyone else. He wanted to know if I was interested in seeing anyone else. To me that meant was I going to be actively searching for someone. I wasn’t so I said so. Focusing on one person would be nice. He did a big song and dance about how he wants me to be open-minded about a future with him. I’m the first to admit I am jaded. Yet I figured what the hell…so I kept an open mind.

We saw each other maybe four more times after the first. Doing nothing more than meeting after work and going back to his place. He has two kids and when we met he had weekends off and would spend the weekends with them. From Friday evening to Sunday evening. Since then his hours at work have changed and he works nights and has off two days during the week. I knew that seeing someone with kids was going to be difficult because of managing time. But I like him and I don’t need to be with him 24/7. I do need to see him though…and not once a week or once every other week (that’s how it was when we met) He kept saying he would make time for me…I think you know where I am going with this…he hasn’t made time. And when I tried to compromise it never worked out. A few times when we made plans they were interrupted because of issues with dropping off his kids or work.

One night I had dinner with a friend who is also an ex. He asked I told and I was honest. Nothing happened between the ex and I except for some good Mexican. Right away I got the you must be cheating…ummm when did we decide we were in a relationship? At the time of the dinner I hadn’t seen okcupid guy in two weeks. But because in the past when HE has met up with an ex he has had sex with them he thinks that everyone does that. I’m sure many do…My ex knew I was seeing someone and knew sex wasn’t happening. After that our conversations were usually around “I thought you would be patient and understanding (concerning the job and kids) I guess you aren’t so do you.” Meanwhile if I missed a call or didn’t respond to a text in under two 2.5 seconds I got an “are you ok?” text. When I would talk to him I would be reminded that I wasn’t around when he tried to reach me before and that I must have been busy.

It has been two months since first meeting and three weeks since we last saw each other, talking less and less. He hasn’t even made an attempt to see me. When I asked if he wanted to stop seeing me (why ask him, you wonder? Because I wanted to know if he cared) he answered with a “why would you say that” question. Come to find out he still has his profile up on okcupid even though he said he would take it down. Mine was disabled and I wanted to delete for good. Honestly I really don’t care if he still has his profile up. What hurt me was the fact that according to him he never went on the site yet a picture he took for me he is using as his profile pic. Proving he has been on the site recently. He is free to see other people. But he shouldn’t be harping on me having dinner with an ex if he won’t make the time to see me. Yes he IS busy so maybe he shouldn’t be trying to date…at least not me.

I have been laying low since the profile thing and he has gone back to calling me every night when he gets home at around 1:30a. Our small talk is painful but he is making an effort. No mention of us seeing each other. The more time that passes the less interested I become. Should I just fade away and cease contact or do you think he deserves a proper “I’m going to see other people” conversation or should he get nothing and I just do me and if it happens that I see him I see him?

So I met a guy from okcupid. We messaged each other for a few days and then nothing for a week from him.

First red flag. If a week goes by and the other person hasn’t followed up or responded, move on. I keep saying this. If the conversation goes on longer than a couple days, move on.  Someone who is interested and available is taking things offline with in a week. Or they’re at least explaining why they are unable to do so other than “work is really crazy.” That’s it. By tracking him down, you played your hand and let him know you were sort of desperate.

From the first meeting he talks about how he wants a relationship and likes me and doesn’t want to see anyone else.

Red flag #2. Weird that he’s so all in on the first date, but you had to be the one to initiate the conversation again.Too Much, Too Soon Guy. Avoid. It is completely irrational that eh would want to jump in to something consistent when his previous behavior was so inconsistent.

I’m the first to admit I am jaded. Yet I figured what the hell…so I kept an open mind.

No. No no no.  This is not you being open and flexible. This is you going for a guy that you know is bad for you. Women keep using this excuse for the wrong reasons. You were lonely and maybe feeling a little desperate. Admitting that is going to make getting over these situations much, much easier and prevent you from doing it again. We all feel this way from time to time. There is no shame in it. The shame is in denying it and justifying it by lying to yourself. Do that for long enough and you’ll start to believe it.

He asked I told and I was honest.

There was no need to be totally honest here. You two weren’t exclusive and you knew that the dinner was innocent. Nothing happened. No need to go in to detailed explanations. My guess is you were trying to make him jealous.

He is free to see other people. But he shouldn’t be harping on me having dinner with an ex if he won’t make the time to see me.

He wouldn’t have been harping on you if you hadn’t told him. Admit it, you liked that he feigned offense at what you did. You think it some how meant he cared. Only it didn’t. He just likes guilting women so they do what he wants. It’s controlling. You made yourself vulnerable to him the minute you followed up with him. He had you, and he played you.And when you told him about your dinner, you exposed yourself even more. Men know what we’re doing when we do these things. Usually, they just ignore or avoid our attempts at getting this kind of attention. The unhealthy guys are the ones to react like this. Those are the possessive, controlling, insecure guys.

Should I just fade away and cease contact or do you think he deserves a proper “I’m going to see other people” conversation or should he get nothing and I just do me and if it happens that I see him I see him?

He doesn’t deserve a proper anything. The only reason you’d want to do this is in the hopes that he will suddenly change and realize what he had and try to win you back. He’s not going to do that. And even if he did, it would be disingenuous. This tool hates the idea of a woman moving on or leaving him first, despite the fact that he avoids and ignores them until he wants something. He’s got a massive, yet fragile, ego.

He wants to know that you are thinking of him and only him. He may not spend much time with you or make much effort, but he still expects to be a priority. He had you chase him down and pursue him – ego stroke. You agreed to engage in some form of a relationship after one date – ego stroke. He pours it on thick and says all the right things strictly so you will become enamored of him – ego stroke. He doesn’t want a relationship. He wants attention and validation. He wants to have you jump when he says jump.  When you told him you had dinner with an ex, he wasn’t afraid of losing you, per se. He was afraid that he had lost the top spot for your attention and affection.

This guy wants to be chased and pursued. That feeds his delusional beliefs and ego. This is no different than the women who avoid phone calls or texts or cancel dates. They want to be wooed and pursued. It’s all ego driven. They want to feel special, like they are a priority.

No, you shouldn’t deal with him further or offer any form of a Dear John explanation. All that will do is trigger his need to “win.” He’ll offer some lame attempt at an apology, provide a modicum of attention just to get you back in the fold, and then it will start all over again.

References:

Will You Still Love Me If. . .

How To Change The World, One Girl At A Time

When Mom Brings Out The Worst In You

How to Experience A Deep & Intimate Soul Connection

An Open Letter To Anyone Who Doesn’t Like How I Live My Life

Oriental Dating For Men

What Does Every Woman Want?

Cross Country Booty Call, How To