The Pissing Bandit
I come home, those fuckers are already wasted. I desperately need to catch up. I do the ceremonial superhero pose in the bathroom mirror, as I look at the entirety of my manhood. Whoosh…Whoosh…Whoosh…I’m going to make some lucky woman very happy tonight, or at least make some unlucky one very pissed off.
I pop open a Michelob Amber Bock and proceed to sing the Captain Planet theme song while in the shower. (We’re The Planeteers, and you can be one too, ’cause saving our planet is the thing to do. Looting and polluting, is not the way. Here’s what Captain Planet has to saaaay: THE POWER IS YOURS!!!) .
A few friends arrive to tell me that so and so aren’t going to show up for whatever reason. I stop them and let them awe in my god-like presence. They get the point. I don’t give a shit. I am here, and I am wasted. That’s all that matters.
People keep calling me, telling me that they can’t find me. I soon find out that our neighbors below us are also having a party, and everyone keeps mistaking it for our party. I decide to merge the parties to avoid confusion, mark their territory as our own.
We’re joking about how someone stole one of our kegs from underneath our noses last year. No one would possibly attempt the same feat again…or would they? We go to check on our kegs…and to our surprise, one is missing. My balls are full of so much manly testosterone that even Chuck Norris would be proud…I am furious.
No keg to be found nearby, I head across the street, still no keg. Misha then informs me that someone saw our neighbors below us take one of our kegs inside. My balls grow bigger, so big that not even King Kong himself could contain them. I march right into their apartment to claim my baby, and if anyone comes in between us, I will break their face faster than…than…on second thought, I decide that I will break their face slowly.
We march out with our keg (with our fucking trash bag still on it!). Some guy is running his mouth, I think to myself “keep your composure Assanova, keep your composure…” FUCK COMPOSURE! I drop the keg and try to make my way to the prick running his mouth, with no success. My friends pull me away.
I run upstairs to see what’s going on up there. “Assanova, Assanova, did someone punch you in the face!!??” I look at them crazily, it turns out that someone threw beer in Jessica’s face. My balls start to pulsate again. It’s time to kill someone.
I fly downstairs, ready to kill some guy. My friends try to stop me, but I’m not trying to hear them. As I’m making my way to the guy who did it “Assanova, calm down, the cops are here!!!”…”Cops, what cops?? I didn’t see any cops come in.”.
As soon as I turn my head behind me to explore for these mysterious cops who can magically appear like Leprechauns, I am greeted to what I am sure is cum flying at my face. Using my awesomely superior athletic black guy skills, I instantly react to the assumed cum flying at my face. I do some matrix-type shit and dodge the incoming projectiles to my best ability. I am only hit a little in my mouth, jaw and hand.
I begin to make my way upstairs. “What’s this peppermint taste in my mouth….oh god, Oh God, OH GOD IT BURNS…IT BUUURNS!!” Instead of fighting it, I decide that my best bet is to pass out on the stairs, and hope that the burning is gone when I wake up in the morning. I bet wrong. As I come to, I awake to an atomic wedgie and four guys around me. “I must be in federal pound me in the ass prison, and these guys are gang-banging me.” is my first thought. “Wait, these are my friends, and I’m still at home.”
“Are our kegs upstairs, are our kegs upstairs!!??”…”Yes” someone replies. I am happy. I help myself up to my own two feet, only to see Smilez dipping his face in the sink that Havoc allegedly just took a piss in. Bad move Jason, bad move. Apparently, the whole crowd of people got maced and tazered. Well, for Kyle, it only seemed like someone was trying to flirt with him by pinching at his back fat.
Cop cars are everywhere, as well as an ambulance. Those dumb asses downstairs who stole our keg tried to fight the police, got their asses beat with a billy-club, their party shut down, beer taken, and got to go to jail for under-age drinking and attacking an officer. One of their girlfriends also got maced and tazered so bad that she was flopping around like a fish and had to be taken to the emergency room over something her idiot boyfriend did.
I then leave my own party to go make-out with Appleface and pass out, as my room is being used as an emergency ward for the maced and blind. I come home in the morning to find out that Havoc went on another pissing spree by opening his bedroom window, sticking out his dick, and pissing all over the neighbors deck. Good job Havoc, you show them who’s territory this is.
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