Ok, ladies. Here’s one that might be a little familiar to some of you. The stereotype is, of course, that the guy is always the one pushing for more sex. But what happens when it’s the other way around? Well, a reader named KC knows all about it, and she’s wondering if there’s anything she can do. Let’s find out:

Okay Jeff.  Let’s see what you have to say about this one.  I’ll try to be brief…

Background: dating a wonderful guy for about 4 months now, he’s attentive, includes me in his life, and I simply adore him.  We do most things together, and we’re in constant contact with each other.  I believe he really does want me around…

My but-sensor is sensing a “but” coming up. (That’s what it’s designed for, so it had BETTER be sensing one, or I’m totally returning it for that shiny, new however-sensor I’ve had my eye on. Oh wait — look at that. It IS a however.)

However, I’m getting a little frustrated with the affection he gives. It’s not as much as I would like.  Sometimes, I feel like he likes me more like a friend, than a girlfriend.  I want more kisses, more hand holding, more sex!  I get all of these things, just not in the quantity I would like them! Am I being greedy? Does affection often wear off after a period of time? (used to be more in the beginning of our relationship).  Is he losing interest?  Why does his cat get kissed more than me??  Should I be concerned?  How can I tell if he really cares?

Dear KC,

Ok, let’s diagnose some possible reasons for the current state of affairs, and give you a two pronged strategy to address this thing. Why? Because if you know anything about me, you know that I. Love. Prongs.

DIFFERENTIAL DIAGNOSIS ON REDUCED NOOKIE QUOTIENT

Ok, people. We’re back to House M.D.’s method. Well, except for the fact that I a.) won’t be hooked on Vicodin and b.) won’t be completely belittling my staff, since I haven’t hired one. (You’d be surprised how expensive it is to hire a team of doctors that is willing to sit around while you trash their ideas.)

Anyway, the point is, let’s list everything that might fit the symptoms. The symptoms?

• Less physical affection than KC would like.
• Seeming decrease since the very beginning of the relationship.
• Makes out with his cat.

In fact, let’s leave that last one off the list for the purposes of our diagnosis, shall we? I mean, it’s important, of course, but you should read more about that over at kazan. Let’s now list all the possible causes of this:

1. DIFF’RENT STROKES: As I understand it, it takes them to rule the world, yes it does. We have to at least explore the possibility that this is just his way. This wouldn’t necessarily have anything to do with you. Just his natural desires are not on the same rhythm as yours are. In a situation like this, you might have to reach some kind of an agreement about what the two of you need, and see what kind of a compromise can be reached.
2. DIMINISHING RETURNS: You ask if affection wears off over a period of time. Well, sometimes it sure does, doesn’t it? It’s not like he’s incapable of affection — his cat is getting totally overloaded with it, from what I hear.  Is it possible that someone can feel great affection, even love someone…but not be that attracted? Sure. I’ve been there. But in those cases there was something deeper going on than just the physical. In this situation, the lack of physical affection was a symptom. Doesn’t sound like you’re seeing him pulling back in other ways, so I’m not sure this one is it.
3. STRESS: There are definitely guys who cut back on affection during times when major stuff is going on. They’re feeling like there’s all kinds of stuff that needs to be done, there’s all kinds of weight resting on their shoulders, and they just can’t take the TIME to stop and be affectionate or sexy. These guys almost see that stuff as an indulgence that they can’t afford while all of this crap is going on in their lives.
4. PHYSICAL TROUBLE: I’m no doctor, but we have to say that there’s at least some possibility that his man parts ain’t what they used to be. That said, you say that you do have SOME sex, so this isn’t likely it. But hey, we’re doing a differential diagnosis, aren’t we? Gotta get SOME medicine in there.
5. MISCOMMUNICATION: This is probably involved in one way or another with all of these situations. It could be that he just doesn’t know that you’re not as satisfied as you want to be. Could be that he thinks HE wants too much from YOU and doesn’t want to push you. Hell, it could be a LOT of things. Whatever it is, you don’t know and you need to know.

LADY, WHERE DO YOU WANT THESE PRONGS?

I promised you prongs, and prongs you shall have. Here’s what I think.

PRONG ONE: Affection assault. I’m sure that Gandhi had sex in mind when he said that whole thing about, “We must become the change we want to see in the world.” Don’t wait for him to start things. Somebody’s got to start them, and right now it seems that it’s NOBODY. If you want more, go GET more. And do what you want him to do.

This will accomplish several things. One, you’ll be getting what you want. Always a good thing. Two, you’ll be telling HIM what you want, which he DOES NOT KNOW. No, stop thinking that. I just heard you think, “Well, it’s obvious that–” No, no, no. It’s not obvious. And three, this will sail you directly into the miscommunicated territory. If there’s no problem other than…well…that you’ve fallen into a less affectionate rhythm, this will end the whole thing on one prong. You’ll change the rhythm, and that’s that.

If there IS a problem, this will bring it to the surface where you can use:

PRONG TWO: The Question. The reason I don’t recommend going straight to The Question in Prong One is that there just might not be a problem. It could just be some miscommunication thing. But if you start treating him with more affection and actually get resistance, well, that’s how you know there’s something more going on. So, how to have this talk?

REALLY ASK

And by that I mean, ask the actual question, without the, “Why the hell aren’t you doing what I want?” spin. Once you’re talking about it, go with something like, “Listen, I can’t help noticing that you don’t seem to be as affectionate as we were when we started. I want us to be MORE affectionate as time goes by, not less, you know? And I just want to make sure there isn’t something we should be talking about. I don’t want to make this some chore, but I…you know…wanna. I don’t want you to tell me what you think I want to hear, or whatever. I just want to know if there’s something we could be doing differently.”

What I’m saying is, keep it direct, and don’t let him feel like he needs to solve the problem by telling you what you want to hear. Remember — you want him to be affectionate because you like HIM, not just because you have some kind of an affection egg-timer and let’s get the show on the road…right? Make sure he knows that this is because you like him, and want to be closer to him. You need to say that part out loud.

In answer to one of your questions — NO, you are not being greedy. Or rather, with affection, Greed is Good, as the great Gordon Gecko once said. The question is never, “Am I wanting too much?” The question is, “Do we fit together?” That’s all. Sounds like you’re both pretty close. I’m guessing that if there’s a talk to be had, you two can have it.

Good luck, KC!

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