Reading his mixed signals
Hi Terry,
I have been a fan for a while even though I haven’t officially been dating. Now I’m just in a mess and would love some feedback. I have a situation where I’ve known a guy for a few years, but for part of that time he’s been out of the country. Recently, he came back and we went out together, and I swear I got into my car to leave completely unsure as to what went on.
I have been attracted to him since before he left and we’ve kept in touch largely via email or instant message chatting. I had told him not long after he left that I was attracted to him, and he said he didn’t feel the same way, so I said okay and prepared to put him in friend zone.
On this ‘un-date’ we were just to meet up for drinks. I thought it was pretty clear that it was just about friendship because when I made the plans with him I told him I was looking forward to hearing about his trip. The word date was never mentioned.
Immediately he walks in and asks me if I’m hungry and would I like to eat. Well I hadn’t planned on it but was willing to ‘follow his lead;’ that was the advice I had on meeting him from everyone around me.
Conversation was good, when the food came he shared his portion with me adding food from his plate to mine, seemed positive and possible he had an interest in me as well. I’d thought that before he left but was never really sure. Despite him saying he didn’t feel the same way, there were times his actions didn’t quite match that. All was great until he asked me about a mutual friend.
I told him it was a bad subject and asked not to discuss it. He continued to ask but not in a negative way I believe he was truly interested. So I told him that this friend of ours had kissed me, and it was inappropriate because I wasn’t interested in him and he knew that.
Well, my guy before this had been heartily eating, he dropped his fork, looked me in the eye and said “He KISSED you?” and I was thrown off balance, I admit. I was treating him like any friend, so I kept talking about it (yes, now I know I was wrong to do that…I think? that’s why I’m writing you!), and he followed up with another question, and it seemed to me like he hadn’t heard a word I said, when he asked “Was it a REAL kiss?” now I got uncomfortable. I really wanted to say something sarcastic but I didn’t. I instead simply said yes.
After that almost everything tanked. Every next attempt at conversation he would make a joke (a bad one) or fumble through like he had ADHD or something. I got dizzy trying to follow him!
When we left, he practically brushed past me at the door without stopping to hold it open for me and raced down the pavement and was in his car and off the parking lot before I’d even put the key in my ignition.
Totally uncharacteristic of him. He’s always held the door for me and every other female I’ve seen him around in the past. The whole second half of the evening in fact was out of character for him!
I was left thinking that one of three things had happened:
1. The idea of another man kissing me grossed him out and caused him to act like a 2-year-old.
2, The idea of another man kissing me made him jealous and caused him to act like a 2-year-old.
3. He was upset about the kissing because he wanted to kiss the other guy and that caused him to act like a 2-year-old.
Subsequently, we’ve spoken, I made a decision not to bring up his weird behavior because I have no idea what to say! His body language had all been positive towards me, mirroring me, pupil dilation while looking at me and all. I really don’t understand him. When we talk now, he’s nice, polite, charming and complimentary. We just spent about 2 hours on the phone last week in fact which was pleasant and filled with laughing and teasing.
He has not said one word to me since then, and I have refused to initiate contact. I’m at a loss. I am very attracted to him. I don’t want to re-open the I’m attracted to you conversation since he pretty much closed that already. I’m just trying to figure out if maybe I SHOULD revisit it. I am as my name states just plain confused by him.
I thank you in advance and wish you continued success and will be staying tuned!
-Confused
Dear Confused-
Thanks for the very kind words.
You hit the nail on the head when you described this guy’s behavior after you mentioned the kiss as appropriate for a two-year-old.
And your instinct not to initiate contact with him is right on, as well.
Look, he told you he wasn’t attracted to you. If that’s changed (and it certainly may have), it is his responsibility to make that clear.
Now, it’s entirely possible that he’s not sure he’s attracted to you, or he is attracted to you but unsure he wants the hassle of a relationship, or maybe he is gay. Whatever. This is not your problem.
Do you understand me? It’s not your problem.
You’re attracted to him. I get it. When we’re attracted to somebody, we want him to be attracted to us. Of course. We look for evidence of it in the size of his pupils and the position of his feet. We want to believe that because he put our food on a plate it means he wants to take care of us.
But, while you’re looking for proof that he didn’t mean what he said, you could be missing perfectly good opportunities to date men who don’t say they want to be friends, and then email and IM you, ask you out and act strangely, and then suck another precious two hours out of your life on the phone.
(Please: Promise me you’ll submit to not one more lengthy phone conversation with any man you’re unsure about. Life is short. You can’t ever get that time back.)
Again, if it did occur to him that he’s attracted to you, it’s not your job to figure it out. It is his duty to let you know it. Look, when a man is hungry, he makes himself a sandwich. When he’s cold, he puts on a jacket. When he’s interested in a woman, he makes that interest known, lest she fall for someone else who actually knows what he wants and goes for it.
Seriously, how much mental energy do you want to waste on this wishy-washy person? Let him figure out what he wants. Let him take appropriate action.
Continue not to initiate contact, but if he calls you again, keep the conversation brief. Also, feel free to ask him about his weird behavior in the restaurant. I would. Say something casual like, “By the way, what was up with the sudden departure from the table the last time I saw you? Was it something I said?”
Then wait for the answer.
If he asks you out again, and he starts acting weird, by all means inquire, “Why are you acting like that? We were having a perfectly pleasant conversation.” Then close your mouth and wait for an answer.
One more thing: When I said that wasting time thinking about a guy’s behavior can distract you from meeting better men, I meant it. Here’s a little example to help you understand: This morning, I drove into the post office parking lot, convinced there couldn’t possibly be a spot for me. Sure enough, I drove past not one but two spots because I didn’t see them.
I didn’t see them because I had convinced myself they weren’t there. The same thing happens with men. We act on one weird belief (I’m attracted to THIS guy, and no other guy can do it for me; or, all guys are cheaters or liars or porn freaks or secretly gay) that we don’t even recognize the right guy when he shows up.
Stop thinking about this individual. Stop wondering about his motives and feelings. Keep your conversations fun but short until he becomes man enough to be crystal clear about what he wants.
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