Private Kissing Only, Please
Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’ve been dating this guy for about two months now. He’s sweet, funny, attractive, and just amazing. Except for one thing. He’s very into public displays of affection. I don’t have a problem with the little things, like holding hands, etc., but I can’t kiss him. Every time he goes in for it, I just freak out. I’m absolutely incapable of kissing this guy. I know it’s because of a guy I used to date who left me because I wasn’t “up-to-standard” enough. I know I like the guy I’m with now, and that I’d be willing to do anything for him, if it means trying to learn how to be a good kisser for him. Where do I learn how to do that? ~ Kiss-O-Phobic
Dear KOP: The Bitter Single Guy needs some clarity on your issue (on many things, really, but let’s start with you). Do you need help learhning how to be a good kisser, or some help learning how to be a good in-public kisser? Learning to be a good kisser is goal the BSG thinks everyone should have. As a younger person, the BSG would practice on his pressed together index and middle finger. This was a somewhat dry practice environment, so the BSG is still somewhat thrown off by wet-kissers (you all know who you are).
But KOP, it doesn’t sound as if you’re looking for skill as a kisser in general, but that you want to learn how to kiss in public. This is a totally different goal, but one that’s completely do-able. The BSG recommends the ever-popular Systematic Desensitization technique. Using this technique, the BSG thinks you should tell your amazing new boyfriend that he can kiss on you the hand sometimes in public. This is easy…as you’re holding hands, Amazing Boyfriend will simply lift your hand to his lips, and deliver a soft kiss to your knuckles. Your task will be to avoid tensing up so you don’t, in essence, punch him in the lip. Over time, your aversion to hand-kissing should diminish and you can give Amazing Boyfriend access to your cheek for an occasional quick peck in public. Similarly, your task will be to experience this enough times to relax into it. Finally, after much gentle encouragement you will eventually be able to share a chaste little kiss in public sometimes (the BSG warns against becoming so comfortable that you find yourself counting his molars with your tongue…that’s just tacky).
Of course, this all assumes a long and productive relationship where you can expect him to be patient enough to work through your phobias with you. While the BSG doesn’t doubt for a minute that you’re worth it, KOP, Amazing Boyfriend may not have patience for your phobia, in which case you should prepare to be silently bitter for the entirety of your relationship.
Additonal Resources and References:
Flirting with Distaster on the Job
My husband is looking at women on the Internet
My Husband Says I’m Too Negative