Kissing cousins: Should we date? And: What is he thinking?

August 13, 2020 by No Comments

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Dear Guys,

My distant cousin lives overseas. We got in touch through texting and gradually we started flirting heavily. We have a text-relationship. He called me twice too. I spent the holidays over in his country and we met up with our friends. The first day was still normal. But after the second day he became all cold. I asked him about it but all he said was he was bummed out that he had scratched his brand new BMW and he had not slept well—well he did meet me up with our friends for 2 days straight squeezing his other plans in.

Ever since then it has been a hot and cold thing. We met once after when he was in transit in my hometown with his friend. It seems that right after we met up he would be cold and so I would be too. But gradually we started flirting again, though never as heavy as the time before; and it’s him who always starts the flirting. Or like when I don’t text him or try to ignore him, he starts texting me everyday and is waiting for me to reply. We are both attached to other people as well and we both know each other’s “significant other” through FB, but we never talk about it.

I think both of us don’t expect the situation to be this way as we are related distantly. (We played together when we were younger.) But what does it mean on his part? What is he thinking? I too am unsure about what I am feeling but clearly this is bothering me enough for me to be asking about it. I find myself waiting for his texts and wondering or getting jealous if he’s out with his girl. And my heart skips a beat if I get his texts. HELP!!


Dear Susan,

Thanks for your question. We can see that this has thrown you for a loop. Sometimes our hearts have a mind of their own.

However, while dating or marrying your cousin is not against the law, it’s not typically a path most people feel comfortable heading down. We understand this guy is your distant cousin and probably shares little of your gene pool, but it’s still “taboo” enough where it seems like you’re both at least thinking and wondering if it’s something you should even pursue.

And maybe your relation to each other hasn’t stopped you from flirting, but it seems it’s enough of an issue that it might be affecting his behavior, and maybe even yours. (That and the fact that both of you are attached to other people currently, which may not be a bad thing in this particular situation.)

From what you describe we would typically say he’s not interested in being in a relationship with you, but in your case, since we have to factor in the “cousin” variable, it could just be a little too “out there” for him to handle. And instead of just saying that, he continues to give you mixed messages. We’re not sure if he’s ever going to feel completely comfortable with it, which could explain why he’s all flirty from a distance, but when you are actually in the same location he acts funny.

We’re not saying you shouldn’t pursue this, but the situation is ripe for this type of uncertainty and confusion.

Good luck,


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