Backpage Story: When Life’s Getting Him Down…and He Changes
Ok, we’ll end the week with two young ‘uns, having some trouble. This is a pretty long request, but the last paragraph (excerpted below, with the complete text at the end of the post) asks the question. Two 19 year olds, they’ve been together 4 years(!) and now that they’re at different schools, and now that his family’s in some trouble…he’s pulling back. What gives?
Let’s find out…
…But lately he has been so affected by home stress, that he brought it up to college… And ultimately the only person he talks to while he’s away. Me. He’s not treating me bad and not saying I love you, but it seems like he’s not completely himself. Sometimes he’ll get there and then stop short… He keeps trying to look for answers and none of them satisfy him, so I don’t think he knows what in his life is to blame, even though it’s obvious. I know he doesn’t see it because he’s young and caught up with college life, jealous of all the carefree kids… He told me one time that I’m such an amazing girlfriend and he wishes he could do more for me. I mistakenly one night took my stress out about him on him… Wow! That really blew up in my face. Everything was fine than, a little awkward, but good, now it’s really awkward. Not awkward really, just frustrating because not even a whole 2 weeks ago we were sickeningly in love. Now he always sounds so down, even when he talks to me. I miss the baby voice and the random I love you text messages… Still get it sometimes but just not the same… Long huh? Thanks for your ears, and your time!
Dear Claudia,
Ok, sounds like what we’ve got here is Atlas: The Guy With the Whole Wide World on His Shoulders. Sounds like you’ve got a guy who not only sort of has his own situation together, but it seems like he might feel that he’s the only guy in his family who can hold it all together for EVERYBODY. The “wishes he could do more for you” is a dead giveaway. He sees himself as the backpage guy who does stuff for everyone, and that’s why he’s valuable. In his family, in life.
Oh boy, do those backpage guys have it rough. (Lucky for me, I’m way too super-lazy to do this sort of thing.) One of my best pals is this guy. Family in peril, and he is constantly swooping in to save the day. It’s great behavior except for two things:
- It robs him of his own life, and
- It never, like EVER, works.
When you took your stress out on him, that’s why it “blew up in your face.” He’s trying to hold EVERYBODY together, and you’re the one person he talks to. And now he’s getting it from YOU? Total freakout.
Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t be able to take out your stress on your person. That’s one of the great things about relationships, is not having to deal with your problems alone all the time. I’m just saying why, in this case, he reacted that way.
SO WHAT CAN YOU DO?
Well, look, only you can decide what kind of a relationship you want, what you will accept and what you won’t. Right now, this backpage guy sees his life as a series of plates that he’s trying to keep spinning. It’s not true — his family will not live or die based on him. And there aren’t any real plates at all. (Well, I’m sure there are some, but they’re just minding their business holding food and stuff.)
But regardless, he’s trying to hold them all together anyway. So if his relationship with you becomes another plate to spin, it’s going to be the one he drops. That’s how an Atlas works. You let the stuff slide that you can, to keep the family going.
If you feel that this relationship is still strong (and it sounds like you do) then he needs to understand that you don’t judge him based on what he can “do for you.” You aren’t looking for a handyman, you want a lover. That’s all. His job in the relationship is to be himself and to love you, period.
WORD OF WARNING: BE ON THE SAME TEAM
With a guy like this, you do not want to put his other problems on one side and you on the other in a tug-of-war for his attention. You will lose. Plus, that’s a total crap relationship anyway. In this situation, you want him to know that you are on his team. It’s you and him against all the crapola in the world. This way, you’re with him, not just another problem for him to deal with.
Good luck, Claudia. Sounds like you’ve got a backpage guy who is dealing with some tough, tough stuff. If you can be a good teammates, though, an Atlas guy can be one of the most loyal guys there is.
What do you say, folks? What’s happening with him, pulling back like this?
———————————————————————–
FULL TEXT OF REQUEST
My backpage boyfriend and I have been together for over 4 years now. We are both 19, so young… I know. He goes to college in Tallahassee and I go to college in our hometown Orlando. We met one another when we were 11, but started dating when we were 14. Our relationship for the most part has been amazing. I’m not just saying that because it’s mine, but because it is… Not lately though, really. Hmmm…
Anyways, I knew there were going to be problems when our relationship of 3 years became a long distance at the end of our senior year… That was obvious. But, we have always been able to keep our relationship strong through all the crap, temptation, school, family and each other.
Well, pretty much a few years ago his parents put into plan, opening a restaurant. At that time they were loaded, millionaire status, but then his dad got in an accident where his back was ruined and it messed with his heart and he had already had 2 open hearts. So he ended up losing his job with IBM a few months later, because he couldn’t travel as much anymore for the company. Well, they were of course still doing very well financially despite what had happened, so being the bold man my boyfriend’s father is he made the restaurant his top priority. He spent a great deal of money on construction and licenses. Everything.
Now I’m going to fast forward to the present… The restaurant has been open for over 5 months now, and they did crappy the first 2 months and still continue to do not so good for dinner, but they do amazing for their club nights (yes, they function as a club every night starting at 10 pm) But of course my boyfriend’s whole family has suffered emotionally throughout all of this. His parents aren’t as close and that’s all they ever were before, laughing, joking, calling each other baby and all that good stuff. His little brother who is a senior in high school now, isn’t caring too much about his college plans and that really depresses my boyfriend. His older brother is living with a woman who makes him as lazy as she is (I honestly don’t think there’s anything wrong with his older brother but coming from a family that was financially stable, they expect every one of their kids to be the same, of course they passed that trait onto my backpage boyfriend; supposedly the only one who is going anywhere, in college, great girlfriend, future goals…)
But lately he has been so affected by home stress, that he brought it up to college… And ultimately the only person he talks to while he’s away. Me. He’s not treating me bad and not saying I love you, but it seems like he’s not completely himself. Sometimes he’ll get there and then stop short… He keeps trying to look for answers and none of them satisfy him, so I don’t think he knows what in his life is to blame, even though it’s obvious. I know he doesn’t see it because he’s young and caught up with college life, jealous of all the carefree kids… He told me one time that I’m such an amazing girlfriend and he wishes he could do more for me. I mistakenly one night took my stress out about him on him… Wow! That really blew up in my face. Everything was fine than, a little awkward, but good, now it’s really awkward. Not awkward really, just frustrating because not even a whole 2 weeks ago we were sickeningly in love. Now he always sounds so down, even when he talks to me. I miss the baby voice and the random I love you text messages… Still get it sometimes but just not the same… Long huh? Thanks for your ears, and your time!