All She Wants Is A Pickle

December 3, 2021 by No Comments

I can’t make shit like this up….

So, Friday night, while doing my p90X, I mass text bunch of my boys to see who’s trying to go downtown tonight.  Dr. Know It All responds, as do a couple other dudes who will already be downtown.  So, I go to pick up Dr. Know It All, and grab me some malt liquor at the gas station to get buzzed on the way, and we head downtown.

I don’t know if it’s the malt liqour, or the bounce back from the previous ballerish night, but I’m in a good mood as soon as we get down there.  We don’t even hit the strip where the bars are at yet, and I’m already on my game.  I park my car, and we walk toward the bars.  I see two hot chicks sitting on a curb, so I sit down next to them and open them.  One of them is pissed off, “we’re waiting here for our fucking friend, sitting on this fucking curb.”

“Damn, what’s with the language?  All this fucking this fucking that?   You pissed off?”

“Yes, I am, can’t you tell?”

I leave her alone and let her bitch about her friend, while I talk the girl closer to me, who seems real receptive.  It’s her birthday weekend and she’s intown from the hobunk-rinky dink town she lives in that’s about 30-40 minutes away.  She seems into me and she’s touching me and I’m kinoing her too.  Their other friend eventually catches up and Dr. Know It All and I head to the bars with the three of them.  I’m trying to figure out where they’re headed to, so I ask the chick I’m walking with (my hand around her shoulders, her hand around her waist… oh, I grab her ass a bit too) where they’re headed to.  She responds, “I don’t know, I’m not from here, I’ll go wherever you want me to go.”

“Alright, where going to [so-and-so bar], c’mon.”

She’s ready to come with me, but her friends have walked off in front of us and Dr. Know It All did not hold them down.  I guess he felt like the chick that was cursing a lot was being too bitchy.  I let old girl walk off to join her friends.  They continue walking down the street.  Damn, did we lose them?  I thought I was good for sure the way she was all over me.  Dr. Know It All looks at me, “man, where are we going?”

Me: “I don’t know yet, but I’m trying to get these chicks to go with us.”

DKIA (Dr. Know It All):  ”Okay.  You got her number, huh?”

Me: “Naw, I don’t.  I didn’t ask for it, yet, I was too busy trying to fuck with her.”

DKIA: “Man… how did you not ask for her number?”

Me:  ”Well, I didn’t think I’d have to bullshit and have this conversation with you, allowing her to walk off, but I’m about to go get her number now.”

DKIA:  ”Do you really think she’s talking about something?”

Me:  ”Yeah, I think she is.  Didn’t you see she was all over me?”

DKIA:  ”Naw, I saw you all over her.”

Me:  ”Naw, you’re tripping.  She was all over me. I’m bout to go get her number now though, you just wait here.”

I run off after the chicks, and grab my chick from behind as I approach her.  ”Say, we’re about to hit [so-and-so bar] I told you about, but just give me your number and I’ll text you and let you know where we are.”

“Alright,”  She says, “but, I don’t have my phone with me and I don’t know my number.”  She grabs her friend in front of her and turns her around and asks her, “what’s my number?”

“Girl, I don’t know your number!”

Then, she turns back to look at me, “I’m sorry, I don’t have my phone and I don’t know my number, but maybe I’ll run into you later tonight.  Y’all have fun!”  This sounds like such BS, but whatever, I say ok and move around.

Soon as I turn around and get Dr. Know It All, we open another two set.  This one goes well, but they’re going someplace other than where we’re going, so the chick I’m talking to tries to facebook close me – “What’s your name?  I’ll add you on facebook, how should I look you up?”

I try to switch it up, “Alright, well, I’ll find you.  What’s your phone number?”  (Yeah, fuck that facebook shit, I’d rather have a number).

“Umm, I don’t give my number out…”  Looks me in the eyes, then looks me up and down, “but okay… it’s [gives me her number].”

Meanwhile, Dr. Know It All number closes his chick as well and we move around.  We hit a few bars, fuck with few chicks.  I approach quite a few chicks, but the logistics don’t look good for sticking with any of them all night, so I wind up number closing most.  I swear I get about 5 or 6 different phone numbers.  If numbers were my goal, then this night would rank as probably one of my best nights.  I got numbers out of about 60-70% of the sets I approached.  I never close at that high of a rate.  And, I’m talking quality girls too…. not settling for 5′s or anything.  Every chick I got a number from was at least a 6, a couple were even 8′s.

Anyway, after meeting up with one of my boys and having a couple of drinks and hitting a few different bars and making a few approaches, everything closes down.  I get a couple more numbers from last minute street game sets (included in the above statistic), and I wind up texting a few of the numbers I got to see who’s talking about doing anything tonight.

Dr. Know It All, runs into one of his homeboys, who happens to be a good friend of the other dude that was in the car the night I got left.  (Yeah, I’ve talked to dude since then and I’ve heard his side of the story, it’s pretty funny – more on that later, maybe…)  Anyway, dude needs a ride home, so I let him know I got him and he tells me about some party at these apartments close to mine that he knows about and wants to go to.

I’ve texted some numbers I got about coming over my place to smoke and chill, but I text some others about coming to an after party at these apartments.  I get a response back from some chick I saved in my phone as “Malaysian”, who’s trying to go to the “after party” with us, but wants me to come pick her up.  I don’t even remember meeting any asian chicks, so I don’t even remember who this is, but I know it’s a number I got tonight.  I tell Dr. Know It All and other dude about the text when I get it while on the way driving to the party.  I’m about to bust a U to go pick these chicks up, but dude wants me to take him home first.  He’s not trying to go to the party now, since he feels like the odd man out.  Alright, whatever.  I take him home.

Then, we head to go pick up these two chicks – Malaysian and her friend.  I’m trying to think which chick this could be, and Dr. Know It All reminds me that it’s probably the first number I got, since that chick was half black, half asian.  I figure he’s probably right, that’s probably who I’m headed to pick up right now.  So, we head over to the apartments of the address she texted me.  We get there and I call her, she tells me where to go and park.  I do and her and her friend come outside and get in the car.

Not who I expected.  Not the half black, half asian chick.  Nope, this is some dark skinned black chick, who is pretty, but I honestly don’t remember meeting her.   Her friend is much lighter skinned with tattoo’s and piercings all over.  Dr. Know It All should be good with her.

So, we head out to the apartments where the “after party” is.  Only problem is, Dr. Know It All and I both don’t actually know where this party is or anything about it.  Dude knew about it, he was the one who told us, but we dropped him off at home and we don’t have his number.

Not great planning.

The girls keep asking about the party we’re going to.  Dr. Know It All and I are both pretty ignorant on the subject, but we bullshit the best we can.

We go to the apartments where the supposed party is and drive all around them.  We can’t find the party.  The chicks realize we don’t know where we’re going.  We do see quite a few people standing outside one apartment building, so we pull up to them and ask the chick standing outside, “is this where the after party is?”

“I don’t know anything about an after party,” her drunk ass says.

So, Dr. Know It All tries to get the attention of a dude who’s standing out there that he thinks he knows.  Dude doesn’t respond to him or even acknowledge him.   So, I drive off.  I drive around the rest of the complex.  We see no party.  I leave that complex and head back to my own apartment.  We get in my complex when the girls speak up, “Wait, where are we now?  Who lives here?”

I answer, “I do.”

“Why are we going to your place?  Let’s go to Walmart!”

Before I could speak up, Dr. Know It All responds, “we’ll go to Walmart if you buy me some Graham Crackers.”

“Okay, we’ll buy you some.”  The chicks say.

So, we go to Walmart.  At 4AM.

We get in Walmart, and we’re walking around.  I have my arm around Malaysian (I guess I’ll call her that now, eventhough she’s no where close to being actually Malaysian) and we’re walking through Walmart.  ”What’d y’all come in here to get?”  I ask.

“Are you going to buy it for me?”  She asks.

Without any hesitatation, I respond, “Naw.  Not at all.”

‘Then, why do I have tell you what I’m buying?”

“Okay, whatever.  Don’t tell me.  What difference does it make.”

She doesn’t even know what she wants to buy, she has to ask her friend, who responds with, “I want some pickles to eat with my hot cheetos.”  Yes, you heard that correctly, the bitch wants some pickles to eat with her hot cheetos.  She can’t eat her hot cheetos, unless she has some pickles.  I’m not joking.

We go to the pickle isle.  Malaysian and her friend argue about what kind of pickles to get.  One wants whole pickles, the other wants spears.  They wind up getting the spears, and we leave.   Dr. Know It All asks about his Graham Crackers.

Malaysian responds, “Oh, I lied to you about that.  I’m not buying you any Graham Crackers.”  He gets no Graham Crackers.

They buy their pickles and we head out.  Malaysian is walking with me, her arms around me, my arms around her.  At some point she says, “You’re silly, I can tell.”

“How am I silly?  What have I done that’s silly?”

“Nothing really, you just seem like the type that always has a joke to crack.”   I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing in her eyes, but it is kind of true,  I do always have a joke to crack.   So, fuck it, whatever.

We get back to the car, and I start driving back to my place.  Malaysian speaks up, “I’m so tired, I just want to go to sleep, can you just take us home?”

I purposely pass up their street.  ”Hey, you just passed up our street.  It’s fine though you can turn right here at the next street.”  I start to realize that purposely not taking them home and trying to take them back to my place may not go over too well, so I just take them home.

Apparently, they got a ride to Walmart out of me so they could buy some pickles.  Like I said, I can’t make this shit up….

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