How the West Wing was Won
Hello,
You are a dating samurai! Please wield your mighty seduction katana mercifully and aid this clueless ronin!
How should I adapt my game to the changing political climate? Will the new, female leadership in our country affect my interactions with women?
Evan from Washington, D.C.
Evan!
I don’t generally follow politics — they’re boring and require a lot of reading. If I wanted to hear old people drone on about complicated subjects that fly way over my head, I wouldn’t have dropped out of college. At least I had some attractive co-eds to ogle in Intro to Jazz Appreciation.
But I’ve been watching this presidential race like a hawk since hearing that Hillary Clinton is running. Her announcement was one of those moments you never forget, like the JFK assassination or the resurrection of the McRib. I remember that momentous proclamation in precise detail: I was sitting on my couch, drinking either a beer or a mixed drink, trying to remember the name of the kid that wanted to be a writer in that one ’70s sitcom. Without notice, the show I was watching cut to a press release wherein Hillary Clinton took to a podium, said some stuff about America, and entered the 2008 presidential race.
It hit me like an avalanche, Evan: Roger “Raj” Thomas from What’s Happening!!. What a wild time to be alive.
A female president would be the best thing to happen to seduction since the $.25 well drink. Hillary Clinton represents more to this country than the progressively blurred distinction between humans and androids or the perils of attending an all-female college. Hillary Clinton represents the empowerment of women, and with empowerment comes higher wages, grander career opportunities, and a collective responsibility of achievement. A female presidency would symbolize the destruction of gender-based barriers to success and instill in all women the notion that, through diligence, determination, and an all-star list of contacts, every rank of government is attainable.
And the message sent to men would be equally profound: Paying for dates is a thing of the past.
With a woman in the Oval Office, men will be freed from the oppressive shackles of chivalry and allowed to play a more passive role in dating. Think about it, Evan: Would the president of the United States allow her date to pay for her dinner? To open doors for her? To pick her up and drop her off? By clinging to the conventions of dating that prevailed when a woman wasn’t president, a woman would be admitting that she doesn’t have what it takes to conquer Washington.
I have no problem admitting that I’ll never make it to the White House — there are enough lewd photographs of me floating around the internet to wallpaper my condo. But for the women I date, the thought of sitting at the Resolute Desk or eating cereal with the Resolute Spoon is more alluring than saving $50 and a half-hour in traffic. Sure, exploiting a woman’s dreams to avoid paying for dinner may come off as cheap and classless — so does stealing my neighbor’s newspaper and counterfeiting bus passes. But at the end of the day, saving money when seducing women allows me more efficiently pursue my own dreams: Seducing more women.
Hillary Clinton’s road to the presidency is paved with the standards that men are held to on dates, Evan. If you see a tan station wagon with a Quiet Riot bumper sticker on it in the next few months, give me a honk. I’ll probably be driving the Clinton ’08 campaign straight to the bank.
References:
Why Men Withdraw from Relationships
Ain’t No Mountain High Enough, Ain’t No Recession Low Enough