Name: NOMAD898 | | Location: Edison , NJ |Question: Hi! I cant ask the question without telling the story. So please bear with me, I have struggled with this for 6 months……this is how it  all started..
I happened to be at work with a co worker at a local hospital ER on December 26th 2010. It was day of snow storm and we were snowed in 18 hours straight.I am 44 she is 33, I am Indian she is Latina. As I got to spend this time and we shared a few laughs and compared notes on how we grew up and shared out look and opinion on many subjects we had a lot in common,I read her signs indicators of interest, the laughing at my jokes and leaning forward complementing me,sharing personal info that she has not told others and it was obvious she liked me. I took a liking to her too, next day morning I dropped her home.

2 days later I called her and asked her out and she said yes.

I was not prepared for this  started getting nervous and ramblling to keep in touch and schedule when I should have asked her phone number I gave her my work email and she gave her work email in return, my discomnfort was obvious and I was pretty prepared to be rejected and not so easily accpeted…I screwed up…..I wrote her a long email of how great I feel she said yes and what all we can do it was a list of entire page..I was over eager over excited and over zealous..flattered by her saying yes…she wrote a 2 line response in bold letters “Sorry I must decline”

I was advised by all my friends to let go of her but my heart said she likes me and I should not give up. So in two weeks I was in her building saw her and she had pure delight written on her face she lit up  smiling etc I could sense she still likes me and I went to her office asked her out again for dinner she said OK but lets be clear As friends she was smiling.I asked her personal email and we communicated by emails. I poured my heart out how I see so many wonderful qualities in her and shared all my accomplishments from flying, prachuting,to been a activist,traveller,writer, performed on stage for theater, to on board of advisors to a progrom and done very good social service and etc etc and that I am very spiritual and she is spiritual too  could sense it.

She wrote back that she read my email breathlessly and I am one in a million exquisite gentelman she could tell  was from a back ground of a family of writers and performers etc and that  I read her well.She offered friendship,she asked we could go  on a journey, if we can go some where away for weekend as friends.  I declined it made it clear my feelings for her are deeper and seek more. I also straigtend out that I understand I am 44 and have 2 kids sole custody, she said that does not bother her.

Since then we have had 1 dinner.Got to know her she is single, and said she isnt looking for a relationship, she would like to be friends.When we parted we hugged.

We exchanged few emails,i have talked to her by emails as if I put her on a pedestal and idealize her, to be honest I visulized us getting married have a little house on the prairie with couple of kids and a dog. I later on made  a U turn that friendship was Ok with me..to be honest I interpreted her seeking friendship as testing waters and know me, I offered to take her for a event in the city in April to Lincoln center, it seemed she was comfortable with me, I tried holding her hands she declined…we enjoyed the show togather there was joking and nice interaction.. when we left there was a fountain where  wanted to take pictures she declined to get a picture taken with me but took mine and I took hers said she isn’t photogenic.

She wanted to go home after the show I asked her to stay longer get a bite to eat, we had some thing to eat and hung out  got to know more, she said she just got out of 7 ys relationship still talks to the guy and he is changing and 7 ys is long does not know what future holds she talked about having had bad experiences with men at work she is attractive and very nice men seem to take liberties and misunderstand her so she acts serious and professional, , her best friends are guys, she said she does not mind my company asked if we can be friends.

I wanted to define the relationship from beginning which was pre mature on my part,when I could have just been laid back and relaxed and hung out, she told me I was uptight and to loosen up then she said 4 months later recently 2 to 3 weeks ago by email that I lack inner peace… need to relax then “write back my friend” etc…seemed warm but felt bad this isnt going well.

I wrote her when I was going to be in her building, saying if I can pop in and say hello she declined, she will be busy but was pleasant and cheerful joked a bit talked freely it seemed we were getting along I sent her clips of Movie Kung Fu panda 2 about Inner peace she wrote back how she found it funny and she would like to see it etc.I didn’t offer to take her  had already seen it,I would have looked too desperate.

I saw her at work by chance and she was very serious there was a  a wall around her, I wrote to her next day saying It was good to see her, I have a new nick name for her i.e “Mr Spock for she was expressionless, with don’t misunderstand me and don’t mess with me written on her face..ha ha ha” I was joking hoping to create a lighter space.
She stopped talking to me at work and does not even smile….seems she does not want me to misunderstand..if she smiles I might propose to her…..She has not responded to 2 emails the most recent one after a gap of 1 week I asked her if she would like to go to canoeing in North Jersey, I called and left a message asking her to call back she has not and is keeping  a distance even if we see each other for a minute she smiles and does not
speak.

My Question is Is there any way I can Salvage this relationship?  Is this love? I still like her? I wouldn’t be in a relationship where I am not respected, I feel if she gets to know me we may have some thing happen with time, I keep thinking may be she is still caught up in old relationship, or is too scared to be close to any one, and with time she may come around.I need some type of closure to let go.I feel over joyed and excited when I see her at work, jilted when she does not respond and am meeting women in 40′s who like me but I am not able to move forward because I am hoping against hope here.

Your thoughts.

Thank you

|Age: 44

Okay. The first thing that you need to know is that woman is not interested in you.

I read her signs indicators of interest, the laughing at my jokes and leaning forward complementing me,sharing personal info that she has not told others and it was obvious she liked me.

No, it’s not obvious she liked you. I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but these are not indicators of genuine interest. They can be. To me, it sounds like she spent much of the time talking about herself. And who doesn’t love a captive auidence?

From everything you’ve shared, I can only come up with one (maybe two) possible scenarios. The first one being that she just likes having men buy her things and listen to her yammer on about her ex and all the trouble she’s had with men. I think what she liked was the attention. Here’s why:

she said she just got out of 7 ys relationship still talks to the guy and he is changing and 7 ys is long does not know what future holds she talked about having had bad experinces with men at work she is attractive and very nice men seem to take liberties and misunderstand her so she acts serious and professional, , her best friends are guys, she said she does not mind my company asked if we can be friends.

This is a general rule of thumb for me. When I encounter a woman or a man who has an inordinate number of opposite sex”best” friends, I’m wary. This woman might have some close female friends as well. I don’t know. You don’t mention that. But I find it odd that as woman with male best friends has trouble with men “understanding her.” The benefit of having male best friends is that they can help women learn how men perceive them. Here’s how I interpret the above situation…she’s complaining that men misinterpret her “niceness” and “always hit on her” so she feels she has to act closed off in order to stop their advances. Which, of course, makes the men work harder to get her approval.  My guess is, she has LOTS of men offering to take her to see King Fu Panda, and she accepts those offers “but just as friends!!” Hate to break it to ya, but you are not the only pony in her stable. She probably has a number of guys chasing after her, buying her meals, taking her out, taking her on trips, etc…and in return she graces them with stories of her ex.

I need some type of closure to let go.I feel over joyed and excited when I see her at work, jilted when she does not respond and am meeting women in 40′s who like me but I am not able to move forward because I am hoping against hope here.

That’s exactly right. You’re hoping against hope. You know this woman isn’t interested. That’s why you’re all flustered and nervous. The reason why she initially declined your dinner invite, after you sent her that email telling her how excited you were, is because she thought you might be a little creepy. The fact that she continues to go out with you, even though she had that change of heart, makes me think she’s just bored and has nothing better to do and doesn’t mind having some guy fawn all over her if it means having someone to sit and listen to her talk about herself.

I feel if she gets to know me we may have some thing happen with time,

But enough about her. This statement, right here? This is where you start to sound…off. She’s had time to get to know you. She’s not interested. That’s it. Over. Finito. Stop contacting her. You have to learn boundaries and get a handle on how invested you get in situations where there is absolutely no pay off. Is this love? No. Not by a long shot. Can you get closure? For what? This was never a relationship. You’re projecting everything you feel and want in to this situation and, I’m sorry, but you’re sounding delusional and obsessive. Not good things. I understand that you want to find someone, and I totally relate to that loneliness that you must be feeling in order to tolerate what little this woman offered. But you have to learn to maintain a more realistic perspective. You’re perceiving her to be interested because you want her to be. Not because she is. The only type of woman who is going to indulge such needy behavior is a woman who is looking to exploit it. This sort of clingy, over-zealous approach is just not attractive. You’re setting yourself up to be used and abused. You need to not reveal so much so soon. There really is something to be said for keeping them guessing. You don’t want a woman to know how over the moon you are this early. It gives her way too much power. It’s okay to show interest and flirt and be friendly and chatty. But you have to leave them wanting more. You never want to be in a position where you’re desperate for someone’s approval. When you find yourself there, that’s the biggest red flag of them all that something isn’t right.

Before you do any more dating, you have to work on your self-esteem and confidence. Have to. You have to address and deal with why you get so attached and almost fixated on people who show no real signs of reciprocating your interest. I totally can relate to wanting or even needing to fill a void, even with just the idea of a relationship.  But that’s all it is. An idea. It’s not real. This woman has an alarming level of control over your emotions, and it’s just not healthy.

We’ve spoken on the phone and you asked me, “So there’s still hope?” as we reviewed your profile. I said yes, and I mean that. I also told you that YOU needed to believe there’s still hope. You have a lot to offer someone. You have a solid background, varied interests, a close family, and a great job. You just need to redirect and retune your picker, as Evan Marc Katz says. You can’t waste your efforts and attention on women who will not return it. Let this woman go.

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