Name: Crushed  | Location: NY , NY |Question: My ex-boyfriend and I were together almost 3 years and lived together for about 2 years. We broke up just before the holidays. Things had been rocky for awhile so it didn’t surprise me when he told me he wanted to break-up. Today a mutual friend of ours told me that he was in a new relationship. (she was my friend first, friended him while we were dating and never bothered to unfriend him) After we split I defriended him from Facebook so I couldn’t see him or be tempted to look at his Wall. My friend told me she saw a photo he recently posted on Facebook  of a woman that she assumed was his new girlfriend. After taking  a look around at his photos she said it looks like they’ve been together about a month or two. She let me log in to her FB account so I could see the photo. The woman was lying in his bed with his dog on her lap. He and I adopted that dog together and we agreed he’d keep her. Seeing her with the dog bothered me more than seeing her in the bed that he and I shared for 2 years. I feel like he has completely moved on and I haven’t. I started dating again a few months ago. Now I feel like I’ve taken two steps back-wards.  How can he have found someone else so soon?
|Age: 28

Ugh. I’ve been there, sister. I’ve picked that same scab and always regretted it. But I’ll tell you this….you will get over him.

Seeing her with the dog bothered me more than seeing her in the bed that he and I shared for 2 years.

I can imagine. Pets are like children to some people. You get attached. And like a Mom who is divorced who sees her Ex’s new girlfriend with her kids, you can’t help but feel territorial.

I want to say it was insensitive of him to post the photo, but I honestly don’t think he gave it much thought. I do think he should have, though. I don’t know. I think I’ve just become more sensitive to keeping certain things private. I’ve seen men post similar photos of themselves lounging in bed on their profiles. It makes them look narcissistic. That’s a “look at me!” photo. Especially if they took it themselves. That sort of personal photo should be kept just that…personal. Private.  A picture of someone lying in my bed, or any bed, even if they’re fully clothed?? Yeah, that constitutes a private moment. There’s an exhibitionist-ish aspect to posting a photo like that makes me uncomfortable.

This doesn’t mean he didn’t grieve the ending of the relationship, too. I’m sure he did, even if it was rough going towards the end. But it ended for a reason. That’s what you have to remember when you feel like this. You literally need to sit down and write yourself a letter from you a year in the future. Make a list and remind yourself what wasn’t working. Every time you feel this way, read it.

Going from one long term relationship to another (if it even is long term) in 4 months a little fast, in my opinion. But if things weren’t going well, it could be that he had a head start on the detaching process. Still, 4 months is pretty quick. For all you know, it’s  a rebound. Or maybe it’s not. Maybe he’s happy. You can’t begrudge him for being happy.

How can he have found someone else so soon?

Maybe he just can’t be alone? Some people are like that. They need to be in a relationship. Nothing wrong with that at all, as long as it doesn’t lead people to jump head first in to something that they ultimately don’t want. I know of a couple men that always seem to be dating someone, even when they’re a couple months out of relationships. What I truly don’t comprehend are people who will stay in a relationship for a long period of time even though it wasn’t the best relationship and caused them angst…and then get in to another relationship a few months after the previous one ended.

What’s keeping you stuck is the fact that you choose to dwell on this guy. It’s so hard to get someone out of your brain. But the more you indulge those thoughts, the more embedded they become. That’s why you just have to stop yourself from thinking about him. I say that like it’s easy. I don’t mean to. It’s a bitch. But I’ve found that when I quickly dismiss certain thoughts from my brain, in a matter of a few weeks, I forget about them entirely.

You have no idea if he’s actually moved on or not. You’re assuming a lot here. Yeah, he’s probably dating someone new.  And he very well might truly care for her and be happy. Or he just might be filling a void. Either way it doesn’t matter. I don’t say that to be dismissive. His motivations, ultimately, are no longer your concern.

You shouldn’t compare yourself to him. If anything, I think taking time to really grieve and move on is better than getting in to something else so quickly. Don’t force yourself to date if you don’t want to. That could end up doing more harm than good.

Oh…and tell your friend to defriend this guy. I’m sure he has no idea who can see his photos and who can’t. But you don’t need any more reminders. And tell her to change the password on her FB account. Because you and I both know that we can’t resist pressing that bruise

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