Why Men Hate Hearing “We Need To Talk”
Here’s the scenario:
Woman and man are having a casual relationship for several months. Woman and man have anal sex. The condom breaks. Women texts the man the next day saying they need to talk about what happened. Guy says okay, but doesn’t call her as she requested, saying he’s busy at work. He finally texts her a few days later and she tells him she wants to know if he’s been tested since the last time the discussed each other’s testing history. He tells her that if she’s so concerned that she should go get tested. Woman apologizes and says that she wasn’t trying to offend him and that his lack of a timely response has her confused about how he feels.
To him, this was not a big deal. He probably knows he’s safe. And, if we’re going to be frank here, she’s as responsible as he is for making sure the conversation over whether he’s STD free happens. Especially if she’s having anal sex. In his mind, all he hears is drama, drama, drama. So he’s naturally going to avoid that conversation.
Never assume a man cares about you, period, until he tells you he cares about you and follows that up with actions and consistent follow through. And even then, it could all be an act. That’s why you need to develop a personal code by which you live when it comes to dating, determine if it’s realistic, and then stick by it.
Here’s my personal opinion of this particular scenario. The whole “std talk” after the fact is just an ice breaker to the “how do you feel about me” conversation. That’s really what we want to know in most cases. Sometimes, absolutely, you follow up with someone and double check. You have an attack of the guilts and fear that karma will somehow catch up to you and bestow upon you a sexually transmitted disease. Rarely do we ever send these texts messages or require these isolated conversations when we’re intimately involved with someone we trust and with whom we know where we stand. These conversations are rarely really about whether or not our lover is disease free. (Yes, J., I know how much you hate the word “lover.”)
To me, this feels like an excuse to get in to the “are you sleeping with anyone else/how do you feel about me” talk. And here’s a secret…men know what we’re doing when we do this. That’s why they usually ignore this question. It’s a back-door (see what I did there?) way to try and force the other person in to treating you as though you and he are in a relationship. There are little things people do when involved with someone casually that are really just ways to get the other person to treat them like a boyfriend or a girlfriend. The STD talk is one. Requesting a person call you versus text you is another. Inviting them out to a play or event “because you have a spare ticket.” Things that two people in a relationship would do naturally. (Although I think asking or offering for someone to spend the night is still something people in FWB relationships do and it doesn’t mean anything.) The thing to remember is that, even if you get someone to do these things, it still doesn’t prove anything or make the situation transform in to a “real” relationship.
This is the main reason why men hate hearing the phrase “We need to talk.” What that usually means is “I need to talk to you about how I feel.” Many men feel that we are complicating matters that they perceive are simple or crystal clear by requiring discussion. Sometimes we are. Sometimes we’re not. Sorry guys, but sometimes the boundaries and expectations need to be discussed and clarified. If we don’t ask you to talk, you’ll continue on doing whatever you’re doing forever.
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