Location: New York , NY |Question: I recently joined my second online dating site.  I have noticed that men (in person and especially online) tend to attempt what I assume is flirting by making comments that end up being a little insulting. This has happened at every stage of the online dating interaction. Here are some examples:

I made a note about appreciating good grammar in my profile because I wanted guys to know right off the bat I wasn’t likely to respond to netspeak like “U r so hot” or a message that clearly took no time and effort etc. Someone emailed me saying that seemed out of place in the profile so I said thanks for the feedback and took it out. He then proceeded to send me several very long emails. I didn’t think we would be a good match but he was making such an effort I responded with much shorter notes. After a few of these, he shoots out a message noting that there were some spelling and grammar mistakes in his otherwise intelligent messages (my judgment, not his) and that therefore I was a hypocrite.  I was surprised and wrote back something along the lines of “Ouch, was it necessary to call me out on that when I was just trying to be nice?” and even though he wrote and apologized I said in my experience it was best to avoid negative comments and maybe I would get in touch again the future.

A man who I immediately did not find attractive sends me a chat opening with the line “So apparently you already know everything.” On top of the fact I wasn’t interested, this didn’t make the best impression. I wrote back saying “Thanks for sending me a message but I don’t think we would be a good match, good luck in your search.” He replied with “wow that was a fast judgment.” I wasn’t strong enough to resist and wrote back “No faster than your assumption that I already know everything.” I generally try not to respond to comments like that but by this point I was getting a little sick of fielding comments like that.
I went on my first date from the site, a pretty normal date, not terrible but nothing special. I got the sense he was more interested than I was. He started texting me about a second date the day after the first. At first I considered it, then pretty much decided against it because it would be a waste of his time if I didn’t think the spark was there. I asked if I could get back to him, hoping he would forget about it, but when he texted me a witty summary of his weekend on Monday I decided to write back. I told him that I had learned to play some college drinking game at a party (He already knew I went to college abroad and missed out on most of the more traditional American experiences I was hoping to avoid- an alcohol based social life being one of them).  He wrote back in exclamation, saying how could I not know such a basic skill, where had I been living, under a rock? Oh wait, abroad, same thing. For an intelligent guy with an Ivy League education I was really surprised at how closed minded that comment was. The name on my degree may not be as impressive but at least I would never say something like that to someone I just met. I knew it was meant as a joke, albeit not a very good one, but if I was on the fence about him already this pushed me over. I didn’t respond and he wrote again later acknowledging a “swing and a miss” and asking if I was free this week. I said no, I wasn’t, and it was really nice meeting him and good luck with the site. He asked why and I said that I didn’t think our perspectives on life were compatible, then he said that I had taken some things the wrong way, I was too uptight, but whatever have a nice life.

I don’t get it. Before the internet were men this rude? How could they think the way to a woman’s heart is insulting her, especially in the first few sentences or days of meeting her. Am I being too uptight or are these comments a sign of more trouble down the road. The negative reaction to rejection is definitely reassuring that I made the right choice.

Even though there aren’t set rules of how to be interact politely with someone on the internet, if someone rubs me the wrong way, I think it is okay to move on. It isn’t like we are the last man and woman left and must find a way to get along because the human race depends on it. I am interested in dating but last time I went on too many dead end dates I gave up until now. I’m not ready to settle down so I don’t want to put up with too much for the sake of fun. What do you think, am I moving on too quickly? Is it me or is it them?  |Age: 25

It’s both of you. On the guy’s end, you have to understand that online dating is going to expose you to a higher concentration of guys who lack social skills or who haven’t a clue how to flirt or behave around women. When they send you what you perceive to be insulting emails or IM’s, what they’re trying to do is put you on the defensive so you’ll respond. They’re trying to engage you the only way they know how…by being belligerent and obnoxious. Kind of like how we behaved in grammar school where we’d tease the kids we crushed on. Of course, there’s also a lot of these men online who are working under the tutelage of these “pick up artists” who teach socially awkward guys how to tap in to a woman’s insecurity. The criticize the woman in a passive aggressive way in order to put her on the defensive and therefore make her vulnerable. As you can see, it works in that it got you to respond to them and give them a bit more time than you would have had they sent you some short and sweet email. All they want is that window of opportunity. Stop giving it to them. Stop replying, stop responding, don’t send out the “thanks but we’re not a match” emails. Delete the messages and block the guys. That’s it. Do not engage. Another ploy some men use is to email you as if you two have met before. They’ll say something like, “Hey..how have you been/What have you been up to?” implying like you two knew each other previously. They’re trying to trick you in to responding. Yes, that’s what online dating has come to for many people. I know men who have had women email them and say things like, “I think you and I met before/you dated my friend” etc. People are tired of feeling ignored, so they’re resorting to tricks to get a response.

Now for you. Your tone is pretentious and up tight. Nothing gets an insecure/disgruntled guy riled up more than a woman he believes is looking down on him. There’s no need to state in your profile that you value good grammar. Nor do you have to tell a guy that “your perspectives on life aren’t compatible.”  I mean, really, who says that? You’re 25 years old. Why so serious, Batman? That’s what makes you sound uptight and easy to annoy. That’s the tone I’m talking about.You could be coming off  a little snooty, which is only going to piss off the guys on those sites who think women are bitches and need to be knocked down a peg. On those sites, these typically meek and doormattish guys get to be the Alpha Male.

The guy who messaged you saying “So, it seems you already know everything” may not have meant anything bad by that. Maybe he was complimenting you? Or…maybe you sound like a know it all in your profile? If you have the same tone in your profile as you do in your letter…ummm….you might want to revisit that. You do come off a tad self-important. And I’ve found that people who come off self-important are typically trying to mask their own insecurity. Maybe you don’t feel comfortable about where you went to college. Maybe you feel like you’ve missed out on some of the more “normal” traditions people your age have experienced. Maybe that has you feeling a little weird or different? Whatever it is, you need to address and deal with that. Online dating is not good for people who already feel inferior or inadequate in some way. Rejection is the norm on those sites, so you have to toughen up if you want to have a successful/pleasant experience.

Remember, stop engaging these guys. Do not feed in to their juvenile or passive aggressive cries for attention. You don’t owe them anything. And be sure, when you do send those “thanks but..” emails that you’re not being passive aggressive yourself. If you’re sending it to piss the guy off or show him or have the last word, then you’re encouraging more negativity.

Let go of your need to put people in their place. It’s not your job.

References:

Who’s the No. 1 Woman in a Man’s Life?

Disregard White Women – Acquire Currency

Types of Guys You Should Date Before Settling Down

Can First Impressions Be Deceiving?

Ten Worst Gifts You Can Give A Woman

On Dating: Can You Brake without Breaking?

Be Yourself: The Truth About Authentic Dating

Hanging Out with Your Ex Without Upsetting Your New Guy

25 Things You Must Include on Your Marriage Bucket List

My Kindle Is Apparently a Dating Device

Online Dating: Mama Knows Best

Relationship Traditions: Time to Rethink the Rules

Men Paying For Dates

5 Reasons Why Every Guy Should Hate Taylor Swift

5 Selfish Reasons Why I’ve Never Cheated