SCENARIO #1

You’re at a party or a bar. You meet a guy. You chat and exchange numbers. You leave. He sends you a text that night and suggests you meet up for a drink. You say no, but would love to some other time. He continues to text you but never follows up with any further plans.

SCENARIO #2

You run in to a man you know on the street. You chat. A few hours later he sends you a text telling you how “hot” or “sexy” you looked and says you and he should meet up for a drink.

SCENARIO #3

You meet a man while out running errands or at a party or just generally anywhere. You chat and exchange numbers. A few hours later he sends you a message and suggests you meet up for a drink later that week.

Now…which of these three scenarios is an invitation on an actual date? If you said either 1 or 2, you’d be wrong. If you said 3, you’d be correct. Obviously.

Something that puzzles me is when women get all flustered when men in scenarios 1 & 2 don’t ask them out on a proper date, give them enough notice, call, confirm, etc. Know why they don’t do those things? Because they weren’t looking for a romantic evening of conversation or catching up. And the thing is, I’m pretty sure most women – especially women who have had their share of dates or casual sex – know it. They want the man to ask them out “properly” so they can justify going out with him in the first place. That way, when either the guy reveals his true motives and/or the woman does end up sleeping with him and the guy never calls again, he’s the bad guy. Then she can exclude herself from the “low hanging fruit” theory by saying she “made him work for it.”  Here’s the deal: If you respond to these sort of sleazy come on type solicitations in the first place, you are officially “low hanging fruit.”  Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to enjoy a night of cocktails and sex…as long as you know that’s all it is.  Trying to prod these guys in to offering a more polished invitation doesn’t change the fact that you would still go out with them if they asked properly.

Look. We know when  a guy is just looking for sex. Come on. We know.  You meet a guy online and he says he’s looking for something casual? He’s really just looking for a smash and grab. Should the mood strike him a few weeks later, he might text the woman again. But he’s not thinking any further than one night. Because, hey, if he can get ONE woman to sleep with him that easily, he can get MANY women to sleep with him that easily. So why stop at one?

But we want to feel special. We want to believe that these men want us. That there’s just something so electric about our vaginas that they just have. to. have us. They don’t have to. They choose to. These guys can send a flurry of texts messages out and at least one woman will respond. And that doesn’t necessarily mean the woman is desperate, either. Some women have no problem letting  a guy like this buy them a meal and cocktails, knowing she has no intention of putting out. Or maybe she does put out because she simply wants to and expects nothing. Maybe she’s bored. Or, sure, maybe she’s naive enough to believe  that man wants something more with her.  By collectively calling any woman who accepts an invitation that comes in this form desperate is really just a woman’s way of making herself feel better. Bottom line: You got in his address book somehow.

I’m sure it feels good to convince yourself that you outsmarted them somehow, but it’s a hollow victory. These guys don’t care if you say yes or no. If they had fewer options, or no options, well then they’d jump through whatever hoops necessary.  Some random dude you met at a party or online, or with whom you had some casual fling,  pulls out the stops to impress or cater to your whims before the first date? Beware. He’s either just looking to get laid, or he has very few options.

Lecturing men on these “silly” little tricks are pointless. Know why? Because they work. Trying to get someone to stop doing something that reaps them the benefits they want simply because they make you feel less valued is a waste of energy and emotion. They’re not going to stop. And even if they did decide to play by the rules you’ve created in your head, they’d still turn out to be looking for the same thing.

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