The Sexual Learning Curve
Name: Sweet Vibrations? | | Location: Rural , NC |Question: I have finally met a really great guy! He is exactly what I am looking for in a man. He has numerous hobbies, motivated, sincere, open minded, and doesn’t seem to have any hang ups or issues he is currently working on. (Which is saying a lot for today) So the problem is we slept together for the first time and I walked away feeling less than satisfied. In fact I would be so bold as to say it just sucked. Not that sex is everything, but I have been with men in relationships early on that weren’t as pleasurable as I would have liked, and lets just say that I vowed to never get stuck in that kind of relationship again. Satisfaction is not over rated, but this man is really just amazing every other way! I realize I am getting older and other things should be more important like companionship, commonality, and true respect for each other. I guess my concern is… do all “good guys” really have to suck in bed? And should that be acceptable if the fire doesn’t light during love making? Am I judging too quickly because it wasn’t spectacular the first time? HELP! |Age: 41
I think you might be over-analyzing this right now. The first time for two people can be awkward. You have no real working knowledge of the landscape or plumbing. It’s like buying an old house. You walk through the home and everything seems ideal so you buy it. Then you find out that there are a few creaks and cracks and you do some home repair. This is a salvageable situation as long as you truly want to save it. Will he always be “bad?” I don’t know. Possibly. But you have to try to fix things first before you decide. You owe that to yourself and to him.
The only time first time sex with someone has been mutually off the charts amazing is with men that I knew pretty well and with whom I had built up a certain level of anticipation. There was a lot of talk about what we liked and didn’t like. I If I really liked them, then you can bet I was nervous and maybe even tried a little too hard. Maybe the lack of sparks for you was because you were both trying to hard to impress each other?
Another thing is that “great” sex is subjective and offered based on more than the intensity of the attraction and orgasm. There are times I’ve thought I had great sex and then looked back and realized that what made it great wasn’t the man’s abilities or how we were together. I had projected all my intentions and feelings on to him and the situation. There was a psychological component involved. That’s why the sex was “great.” Take that away and it wasn’t any better or worse than most other experiences.
Every couple has a sexual learning curve. Some pairs are lucky to have it be stellar the first time out of the gate. Others work up to that. Which can be fun, btw. Take this time to learn about what each other likes and gets you off before deciding he sucks in bed.
No, not all “good guys” suck in bed. A man doesn’t have to be a distant and withholding person to be sexually potent. This is one of those myths women like to tell themselves along with how some guys are just “too nice” and therefore should be avoided. It’s not that the men are “too nice.” It’s that those women who rely on such ideas aren’t cognizant of the fact that they enjoy being treated poorly or prefer unavailable men. Don’t look for excuses to dump this guy because you don’t trust that he’s for real. People who say they refuse to “teach” a guy how to please them, claiming they’re too old, etc are really just trying to punch themselves up. “I’m just TOO good in bed. I’m above that. You need to be on MY level.” Awesome. Just another excuse not to give a decent guy a chance. I actually think that sexual chemistry can develop. There has to be a foundation of attraction, of course. It’s not impossible to create an intense connection in those situations.
Now, what should you do in the event the sex doesn’t improve? That’s up to you. I don’t know how you prioritize sex. Would you be “wrong” for dumping him? I don’t know. By 40, many of us have accepted that we need to compromise in certain areas. Most people refuse to compromise where sex is concerned. Which I understand. But is that realistic and are we shooting ourselves in the foot by doing so?
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