So…What Do You Do?
I was reading an article a while ago and the interviewer asked the subjects if they had ever been discriminated against because of their chosen professions.
One man, an actor, expressed frustration at how some women disregard him because of that choice.
To me, it’s important that the person I date respect what I do for a living. I’ve had guys ask questions that made it clear they thought what I did was frivolous. As long as I’m not relying on you to support me and it makes me happy and therefore a better and more stable partner, it shouldn’t really matter what I do.
I’ll date an actor. A working actor. I don’t care if its voice overs or off broadway or summer stock. He doesn’t have to be a “famous” actor. But he has to be working. Some guy at 35 years old who calls himself an actor when he earns most of his income either bartending, waiting tables or – worse – parental support while he goes on audition after audition but never books jobs is just someone refusing to grow up.
The issue isn’t the money. It’s the all around emotional stability. A woman says she’s an actor and she’s usually labeled a drama queen or high maintenance. Well, it works both ways. Artists of any type are often considered “moody” or “dark.” And rightly so. That is the concern for me. It’s not how much they earn. It’s the unpredictability involved with dating someone who, in order to be successful, has to be extremely committed, passionate and emotionally raw. I wouldn’t NOT date someone just because he said he’s an actor or writer, etc. I would date him, but pay close attention to his behavior and moods. If he shows signs of being erratic, disorganized, melodramatic, emotionally withholding or unavailable or reclusive, that’s when I’d disengage.
But what if a woman or man did decide to not date someone pursuing a career as a creative type because there wasn’t enough financially stability associated with that chosen field? Is that really a bad thing?
In the past, I don’t think men were as concerned with what a woman did for a living as long as she supported herself. I don’t know of that’s the case any more. Women appear to be picking up that slack. More and more I hear stories of women supporting their men while the guy earns a modest living, if any at all. As money becomes tighter and tighter, and the cost of living sky rockets, we’re just not as willing to risk the possible financial (and emotional) volatility.
Another issue that arises, one that has nothing to do with how much they earn, is how many hours they work. Say doctor, lawyer or even entrepreneur and you’re possibly considered high risk because those fields are known for their schedules and commitment levels. I always advise people to avoid the “What Do You Do?” question when they go speeddating. Save that for the follow up conversations. Stick to questions that help you determine if you have common interests or values. (i.e. What is your typical weekend like? How do you relax? If you could travel anywhere in the world where would it be? If you could have lunch with anyone, living or dead, who would it be and why?)
Then there’s the status seekers who think their ability to date someone in a certain field is a statement of their worth. It provides social proof. Some women trip over themselves to brag about dating a doctor or lawyer. There are men that think they’re “cool” for dating a dancer or stripper. Hate to break it to ya, kids, but this is Manhattan. Dating a lawyer or a dancer isn’t exactly hard to do. So if you’re going to brag about it, make sure your lawyer or dancer is either extremely rich or objectively hot. Anything else just makes you look like you’re trying too hard to impress people.
Some people will even intentionally date someone who is professionally unestablished. It gives them an air of superiority. That makes it easier to own or control the person they’re dating.
What about you? Does what someone does for a living raise any red flags? If so, what are they? Would you give them a chance or would you immediately cross them off your list as potential mates?
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