Relationships vs. ambition
I came across this story from The Atlantic recently and it amazed me how perfectly it fits into an issue I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.
Here’s the Cliffs Notes version: A nerdy teenager felt like he didn’t fit in in his small conservative hometown so he left the first chance he could. He later went on to become a journalist and moved all over the country as he chased after a bigger and better career. He dreamed, traveled the world and saw and experienced some very exciting things. His sister, on the other hand, stayed in their hometown her whole life. As an adult, she lived down the road from her parents, became a school teacher and was content. When she fell ill with cancer, it was the friends and family members she surrounded herself with and had become close to over all those years who supported her. The guy eventually sees the positives in his hometown and returns there with his wife and kids.
This story has a lot of similarities to my older brother and me. As a nerdy teenager I couldn’t wait to leave my hometown and left at the first opportunity. I went on to become a journalist, travel the world, see and experience things not everyone gets to see and experience, and move all over chasing after a better career. My brother, on the other hand, still lives in our hometown. He left temporarily and returned, developing deep relationships that he has sustained over the years simply because he’s remained in one place.
Ambition is a curious trait. Emily Esfahani Smith puts it perfectly when she writes this in her piece:
The conflict between career ambition and relationships lies at the heart of many of our current cultural debates… Ambition drives people forward; relationships and community, by imposing limits, hold people back. Which is more important?
A few years ago I would have said moving on to bigger and better, no matter the costs, was the most important thing to me. I wasn’t after the material things like money or possessions, but I was after the clout that comes along with being an ambitious woman in her 20s who knows what she wants and knows how to get it. Being ambitious in my career and life means I’ve been afforded a lot of great opportunities.
It also means I’ve said good bye and see you when I see you a lot. As I get older I realize my job won’t be there to comfort me after a bad day or call me up when I’m feeling lonely to go see a movie. It won’t be there for me if I were to get cancer like close family and friends would be.
But does being ambitious mean you’re ultimately going to be unhappy? Not necessarily. “People who are ambitious are happy that they have accomplished more in their lives,” says John D. Kammeyer-Mueller of the University of Florida in the article. He and another researcher analyzed data collected from a group of gifted individuals over several decades. They found that the children who were the most conscientious (organized, disciplined, and goal-seeking), extroverted, and from a strong socioeconomic background were also the most ambitious. The most ambitious kids went on to become more educated, attend more prestigious schools, make more money and have higher-status jobs that those deemed less ambitious.
But when it came to the well-being of the more ambitious vs. less ambitious, the researchers found that being ambitious is only weakly connected with well-being and negatively associated with longevity.
Another study found that having frequent contact with neighbors and feeling like one belonged to a group increased feelings of well-being.
But relationships can also constrain. Think about it: How often have you had to go visit family members who live in the same town as you or check in with your significant other while out?
Still, Barry Schwartz, a psychological researcher based at Swarthmore College who I have mentioned many times on this blog because he has been interviewed for several books about 20-something life, believes a lack of constraints is detrimental to human happiness. Having too many choices, he says, is just as bad as having too few.
What do you think? Do you think being ambitious in your career affects relationships? Has it in your life?
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