There was a post I started to write on the plane ride over here about the biggest thing I had realized since moving in with Chase. Arriving at the airport today, now coming home, I realized how perfect it was that I hadn’t written that post yet. It isn’t just the most important thing I’m learning about my relationship, it’s the most important thing I’m learning about business. It’s the most important thing I’m learning about everything.

So let me share with you a few stories from the last couple weeks.

About 30 minutes ago a cab driver dropped me off at the airport.

In my entire time back in New York, very few strangers smiled at me. Actually, I don’t know if any stranger smiled at me besides the guys sitting on stoops that smile in a way that you don’t want to be smiled at by men on stoops.

I’m exhausted. I’m pale. My stomach hurts, and I haven’t really slept in three days. I was lugging my enormous bags around the city, and a cab driver finally pulled over to get me to the airport. I was on the homestretch here. But then the weirdest thing happened: he started smiling. He told me how wonderful it was to have a pretty girl in the cab, and wanted to know all about me. Everything he said he said with smiles, with laughter. For the first time all morning, I was smiling and laughing too. For the first time in days, I wasn’t feeling an anxious resistance to being out and about in New York.

He started telling me about the things he’s passionate about and the dreams he has. He started telling me about all of the important people that have ridden in his cab and given him their business card. I believe it, because he’s a welcome breath of fresh air in that goddamn city. I gave him my card. I’m building lots of sites and need to start outsourcing content, and a happy, passionate person? Done. After a week at a conference with brilliant people, he’s the first person that I know I want to work with when I get home.

So, did I mention I met David Thorne yesterday?

I know, name-dropping again. But there’s a point. So I was trying to get some books signed by him for Chase and I, and there was a girl already there at the table. She was trying to be cute and funny and impress David Thorne, which I understand, because he’s awesome, so she was being really snarky and sarcastic and was making weird jokes. He’s kind of a hard guy to read, but he looked sort of annoyed.

Why would you go up to a hilarious guy and try and be hilarious? Why not just be nice? Why not just be yourself? Trying to impress people by demonstrating how awesome you are is usually the fast track to looking really insecure. No one is attracted to insecure. I can’t read his mind, but it looked uncomfortable and weird. Like she was performing for him. It wasn’t effective.

And then, I was interviewed by an NBC Chicago writer.

To be fair, that doesn’t make me as awesome as that sounds. It wasn’t about me, per se, he just wanted feedback on the conference, and we talked for awhile. He was a cool guy, though, so I later went to his speaker session which was about writing for large media news outlets.

My dad actually taught me a long time ago to be weary of reporters. They can take things out of context, make you look like an asshole or a moron, and then stamp a really authoritative logo on the article (like NBC Chicago) and publish that to their hundreds of thousands of readers. I have a pretty badass blog, but I don’t think at this stage in my career I could quickly rebound from being called an asshole by NBC. Life wisdom: don’t go for lots of attention until you know the kind of attention you’re going to get. All attention isn’t created equal.

So I was a bit nervous about this interview, but he seemed like a good guy so I was trying to just not think about it. I tried to not say too much that could be taken out of context, but I’m not great at censoring myself. Needless to say, I didn’t know what he was going to write about or if he was going to make me look like an asshole to NBC. I felt a bit anxious about the whole thing.

But then, in his speech, he said something really interesting about his personal philosophy as a reporter: he doesn’t write mean things about people. Even when the story is juicy. Even when he could get a lot of attention and be a star for a day.

Needless to say, I was really, really relieved. I was also really surprised. I don’t know what I said that could be taken wrong, but I know that “out of context” is one of the most powerful elements of misinforming around. It’s a horrible, horrible trick.

Anyways, he doesn’t do this because he wants to be in a business where he can build relationships. And you know what? He’s right. Because when you build things, they lead to things. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, and maybe not in the form you’re anticipating, but in general planting seeds eventually turns into flowers, or fruit, or produce, or something. The thing is, you don’t really know which seeds you’re planting in the world. They aren’t labeled. But if you just keep planting, you’ll end up with flowers and fruits and vegetables and you can live on that, nourished and surrounded by beautiful things (my garden analogy strikes again).

Using people for 15 minutes of fame, though, is like pulling out a rose bush by the roots. You know if you don’t pull out the roots, roses will come back year after year. If you get eager and yank em out, they start to die and that’s the end of that. If you get attention for fucking up someone’s life, the next guy doesn’t really want to talk to you. You get 15 minutes in the spotlight, and a lifetime in the “you’re a jackass” box.

Obviously, it made me feel better about him interviewing me. It made me want to keep in touch with him. If I ever accomplish something in life and can help him, you bet your ass he’ll be the first writer/reporter I will talk to, recommend, and support. He planted a good seed with me.

And then there’s bad networking.

You know that guy that talks your ear off until you finally have to pretend you got a call from your lawyer and will be forced to leave the country so that he gives up on ever talking to you again?

Yeah, I met that guy this week.

Long story short, he had good intentions. He had a strong product and an interesting philosophy. But in the 20 minutes we talked, I don’t think I spoke more than a minute. He was moving so fast trying to demonstrate to me how awesome he was that he gradually started to look sort of unstable. And then, in a failed attempt to get me engaged, asked me a few random questions about my blog, pinpointed the answers he didn’t like, and started harping on why I’m wrong. The man didn’t even know me, or my blog, and now he’s lecturing me! So obviously I was annoyed, and finally got up and went somewhere else.

The truth is, he has a product I can imagine investing in and supporting, but I would never be a part of something that’s so self-focused. No one wants to be a part of something that makes them feel like they don’t matter.

So then here we are. Sitting at the airport.

I’m at a charging station getting some work done. There’s a girl about my age sitting next to me, and she got up so I excitedly asked her if I could use her outlet since my iPad is dead. She looked at me really annoyed and said that she was going to the bathroom, but “whatever” (insert 15 year old eye roll here). So I said, nicely (I’m still afraid of the 15 year old eye roll), “oh no problem! I’ll leave it.” Then she said, very disgustedly, “do whatever you want.”

No eye contact. Could not have sounded more pissed off.

Then this lady sits down. Somehow she strikes up a conversation, and although I’m exhausted and have the charisma of a hungry sewer rat at the moment she was nice and helpful. Turns out we were in the same expo hall, she was at the Book Expo and I was at BlogWorld, and she’s a professor that writes books on copywriting and marketing. Needless to say, we had a ton in common! She gave me a couple signed versions of her books, and I’m going to read them, use them, and hopefully find some ways to promote her on my sites. I’ve only read a bit so far, but it was fantastic. And her energy and love of what she does was absolutely contagious. That’s the kind of stuff I want my readers to read. That’s timely, and effective, networking.

Jen, for the love of god, make your point.

My point is kindness. Openness. Patience.

We’re all too busy. And people have bad days (me included) and get cranky (me very included) but there’s something so powerful about being kind and being patient with, and open to, the world around us.

Let’s face it, I’m Italian. I’m opinionated. I’m abrasive and sometimes out of the box. But I’ve found that when I can be kind everything just works.

I’m not always good at it, and get too many glasses of wine in me and I know I can cross lines. But we’re talking about a practice here. We’re talking about the person I’m trying to be, not necessarily the person I always am. That’s what this blog is about, right? Evolving? Metamorphosis?

And this brings me to my story with Chase.

There’s a lot to learn about relationships. There are a lot of dimensions. Sex, beliefs, needs, emotions, stress. Building a life with someone is complicated. And slow. And takes a lot of humility and patience.

I always talk about my parents, and how they’re together and in love and I want to figure out how that happened so I can try and reach my grand goal of not dying alone. And now, without further ado, I think I finally have a theory.

They are always nice to each other.

I mean, they argue. And stuff happens. And they’re honest and vulnerable and full people with their own wants and needs and we as a family aren’t champs at holding things in. But in my house growing up, there was zero tolerance for being mean to one another. My dad had a strict belief that he had to put up with the world all day, and when he came home we were going to be there for each other. If you couldn’t do that, you were in trouble.

He’s actually never been angry with me for anything else besides that. You know, being a bitch. And I’m good at being a bitch. When I was 16, I majored in being a bitch.

See, when you’re smart (and well, come to think of it, even if you’re dumb), it’s really easy to be mean. It’s easy to dominate or hurt someone. And naturally I’m not the most gentle woman. So growing up, I would hurt people. With my words and my arguments. And when this happened at home and my dad got angry I would tell him that I was right and he would say that he didn’t care. He gave zero fucks what my argument was or how right I was. All he knew was that if I loved a person, and I made them cry, then I was wrong. End of story. You don’t make people you love cry.

And so moving in with Chase, we’ve made a really conscious decision to be disciplined about kindness. We’re getting really, really good at being nice to each other. Sometimes we fake it, but we keep it harmonious. And that means forgiving each other, and backing down when we think we’re right. And the most amazing thing is that when we’re nice to each other, everything else takes care of itself.

It sounds so juvenile, but I really think that being nice is actually really rare.

In my last few days in New York, people weren’t really that nice. I mean, everyone was nice in BlogWorld, but just being in the city – it’s just not a very patient city. I know I’m from Colorado, and New Yorkers and Coloradans have very different paces of living, but I just don’t understand the point of being so miserable all the time. Being pissed off and edgy is really, really draining. And when you’re frowning or aggravated you don’t feel good. So why is it that everyone gravitates there? Is it the living conditions? What’s the use of such an incredible city if no one’s enjoying it?

Clearly, I just don’t get it. Maybe it’s a misery loves company thing. Maybe it’s a facade. Maybe I really do just walk too slow and I’m insanely aggravating. As juvenile as I might sound, I just don’t understand.

But in my life, and in my home, I can make things different than that. And really, that conscious effort to consistently be kind is such an extreme way of living. It’s so rare. 

How many couples have you been around where they were just consistently really nice to each other? You know, letting each other talk. Not making fun of one another. Protecting each other’s feelings. I think a better word than kindness might just be “gentleness.” How many people do you see that are gentle with one another? Gentle with their friends?

“Don’t flatter yourself that friendship authorizes you to say disagreeable things to your intimates. The nearer you come into relation with a person, the more necessary do tact and courtesy become. Except in cases of necessity, which are rare, leave your friend to learn unpleasant things from his enemies; they are ready enough to tell them.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes

I read something awhile ago that said that love means letting go of power. I think that’s part of it. Actually the first blog post I ever wrote was based on this passage by Osho, my life guru (well, via books. Since he’s dead. But you know what I mean);

“People who demand perfection are very unloving people, neurotic. Even if they can find a lover, they demand perfection, and the love is destroyed because of that demand. Once a man loves a woman or a woman loves a man, demands immediately start to enter. The woman starts demanding that the man should be perfect, just because he loves her. As if he has committed a sin! Now he has to be perfect, now he has to drop all his limitations – suddenly, just because of this woman? Now he cannot be human? Either he has to become superhuman or he has to become phony, false, a cheat.. so the second thing to remember is never to demand perfection. You have no right to demand anything from anybody. If somebody loves you, be thankful, but don’t demand anything – because the other person has no obligation to love you. If somebody loves, it is a miracle. Be thrilled by that miracle. But people are not thrilled. For small things they will destroy all possibilities of love. They are not interested much in love and the joy of it. They are much more interested in other ego trips“ (emphasis added).

Think about that. A lot. How often have you been mean to someone you love because of something silly? Because we don’t want to lose a fight? Because in that little instance you “know you were right?”

“It is better to lose your pride with someone you love rather than to lose that someone you love with your useless pride.”  – John Ruskin

I don’t care what company you have, I will never work with the guy that talked my ear off and never once took a moment to slow down enough to care about why I was there, or what I have to offer. That’s not networking, it’s selling. And it’s ineffective selling. Talking about yourself all the time is greedy, not kind. And I’m talkative and have to watch it sometimes, too. I’m the sinner preaching. But I’m learning. That cab driver on the other hand? The one that started our interaction with sweet words and laughter? I’d help him out in a heartbeat. I’ll give him total equity in any site he brings his personality into. I would love to see him succeed. And you know what, I know he will. In New York, where everyone is competing for space and recognition, he stands out incredibly.

That reporter I met has done a phenomenal job looking at the big picture, which, in reality, makes him a fantastic businessman. It isn’t about leveraging short-term opportunities to get recognized, it’s about building a strong foundation of relationships. This doesn’t mean everyone has to like you (in fact, if you’re trying to please everyone you’ll probably end up not pleasing anyone), but it’s about making a massive effort to be kind to the people in your life. It’s about figuring out how not to snarl at strangers, and how to find new connections and opportunities through openness and kindness rather than ineffective, pushy sales techniques. It’s about how we make each other feel.

Looking back on the trip I don’t really remember who was the most brilliant, and it doesn’t even matter who was the most successful, but I remember the really nice people. The gay eccentric bartender that made us laugh and was the sweetest thing in the world. The important people that took the time to give us little people hugs and support and advice. The networking that wasn’t networking but was making new friends. I’m really excited about the people that I feel like might be my friend, you know, in the future. I mean, blogging is cool, but finding new people that are nice to each other and bring out the best in each other? Priceless.

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