PPLT
Breaking up is easier if one of you cheats, does something horrific to the other [violence / abuse ], or moves away, a natural course of events in such situations, even a relief. But what do you do when two people are truly in love, each struggling with their differences, and need each other as best friends – a team – but one of the partners is clearly not pulling their weight? In cases such as these breaking up is extremely difficult and heart wrenching. However, as painful as it is, sometimes breaking up is the only answer. You can’t do their work for them and you can’t go backwards and start over. That is not how life works. Life’s lessons take no prisoners and is cruel with it’s sentencing. Moreover, this kind of break up is going to hurt you deeply.
Patience:
Patience is crucial to a healthy relationship but it has a “shelf life”, an expiration date. How long you persist in trying to make it work depends on your how strong the bond is with your loved one, effort you’re both putting in, and the other’s POTENTIAL. Yes, potential. This is especially difficult because you CAN’T CHOOSE WHO YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH, you can only control how you handle YOUR end of the relationship. Different people have different potential. This is why you must not put undue pressure on someone who is doing their best, if it is their “best”. Moreover, people do have lives outside the relationship and it’s important NOT to be selfish or misunderstanding of responsibilities that don’t include you. Once you’ve taken each other’s job and home life into consideration, you can both clearly identify a BLOCK of days and hours that will be when the two of you will need to schedule some alone time. This time is exact, specific, and finite. You will either plan to be together or grow apart. No gray area here.
Potential:
You see, you can’t expect a dog to fly or a fish to climb trees nor should you have or expect unreasonable performance from someone who is JUST NOT MATURE ENOUGH – EMOTIONALLY – to work on the relationship. BTW- Maturity has little to do with age, it’s primarily a matter of selfish or unselfish.
What you deserve/ should expect is that your loved one works to their full potential. You both need to communicate how you see things on a fairly regular basis and should also give the person enough rope to hang themselves. It’s ok to – temporarily – put emotional training wheels on your loved one but they should know that you are human, have a breaking point., and they will have to “pedal” on their own if they want to keep you around.
Love:
If you truly know what real LOVE means [and you better pray to god that your partner does as well] then you need to be patient and let the relationship breath a little and see what happens. How long do you wait for the relationship to hit it’s stride? Well, there is no finite answer for that question. That is something I can’t tell you. Your heart will tell you. You instincts will tell you. I do know this, real love is tangible and is measured in what someone ACTUALLY DOES FOR YOU, respect they show you, the time they make for you, and their ability to maturely engage in disagreements yet find healthy resolve. I am neither your instinct nor your heart and knowing when to leave will be up to you. Save yourself and your self esteem and get out when the time is evident. Evacuate before you both drown, is my point. When you look back at the long list of SOLID PHYSICAL things you’ve done for them and what they’ve done for you you will know who is pulling their weight and who has just been along for the ride. You may find your loved one is very affectionate and an all around wonderful moral person but if they don’t back it up with real deeds and consideration then it is what it is…empty. They may not see themselves for who they truly are and, that my friends, is nothing you can change, only they can change themselves. Finding the motivation to change will be their cross to bear, not yours.
Time Out:
There is a day where you realize all the talking, all the patience, understanding and love you’ve shown, has fallen on deaf ears. You tried and, if you’re like me, you’re not a quitter and will try to the bitter end. It’s important to constantly “check yourself” to ensure you are not the one with the problem. Make sure you take your “blinders” off. If you have soberly looked at the situation from all sides and have unequivocally concluded that it’s NOT you who is creating the rift, then you have to part ways and calmly explain that it is in fact their fault. You owe it to them to hold the mirror up while they look at themselves.
Ego and Winning:
Men and women are different when it comes to love and relationships. Men will often let EGO get in the way and women, oh you women, you will let you’re OVER BEARING DESIRE TO “BE RIGHT” AND “TO WIN” cloud the truth and a productive resolve. The difference is how men and women react to relationship challenges but the similarity is their innate desire to be dominant. No one wins when two people are in love but break up. That’s the reality. You both lose. You shoot yourself in the foot and will walk around for weeks on end with a very obvious limp. You will both cry and be emotionally wounded. No gym, no ice cream, and no pep talk is going to heal this wound so forget it and suffer.
Rare:
The other thing is this; there are over 300 million people in America but finding someone you truly bond with is more rare than finding a Picasso painting for $2.00 at a yard sale. That is why it has always confused me when people are willing to throw such treasure away without breaking a sweat. PEOPLE, RELATIONSHIPS TAKE WORK. IT’S A FKN JOB. It’s a job that pays well but it’s still a job. If you don’t want to work on yourself and the relationship then be a player and keep it superficial.
Finally, if you’ve tried diligently and the other person can NOT see the forest through the trees then let them be, break up, don’t look for closure, and let them go back out into the world. You haven’t failed. You’ve completed your job and it’s time to “punch out”. If you were as wonderful a “catch” as you claim you’ve proved to be, then they will see it in time. You will most likely be long gone by then but they will have, hopefully, learned a lesson they can bring to their next relationship.
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Reflections on the Current State of The Dating Game and the Manosphere
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Understanding and Overcoming Frustration in the Modern Dating Game
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