Lousy Lover or Lousy Marriage?
I have been married (for the second time) for nine years to a man who was a virgin when I married him. He was 42 and I was 45. Needless to say, our sex life never got off the ground and now I have absolutely no physical attraction to him. It doesn’t bother me but I know it bothers him. To sum things up, he is a lousy lover, and I just have no interest in trying anymore. Is this marriage over?
Pridy
The marriage is only over if you want to it to be. You entered into this marriage with the knowledge that your husband is a virgin, and therefore would not be experienced in the sack. That made you his one and only teacher. So if he is lousy, then that reflects poorly on both of you. If you want to save your marriage then you two need to take sexual education classes with a professional so that he can learn how to pleasure you. This will boost his confidence and leave you with a smile on your face. Thirdage.com has a free ‘Master your sex life’ class, that will teach you to experience new levels of sexual intimacy. Attend a couples sexploration class and give it all you’ve got before choosing to walk away. If you choose to stay, I recommend that you work with a coach to address the negative perception you have of your husband and learn how to help build his self confidence and self esteem.
I have been married for 13 1/2 years, am the mother of three and have been having problems with my marriage from day one. We argued on our wedding day and had the worst night during our honeymoon. He drank so much that he fell, threw up and passed out in the jacuzzi. Since that night, the marriage has been pure hell. We have had fights that led me to serve time in jail. We have separated twice, the longest being for three years. I cheated on him several times because the sex is so bad. I only do have sex with him so he can pleasure himself and leave me alone. During our three year separation I fell in love with another man, but that turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes of my life, because he treated me like crap. I am now back with my husband and I can’t seem to find my way back to truly loving him as a wife should love her husband. I pray, I tried talking to a counselor thinking that she would get me past all the negative feelings I have towards this marriage. I love my husband but I prefer not to be married. He loves me unconditionally, and he is a great father, but I find myself disliking him because he doesn’t do anything with me without the kids. I see all of these other couples doing things, but his idea of our time together is sitting in front of the computer or video game and having sex when he is ready. And when the time comes for us to do it, I pretend like I am asleep so that he won’t touch me. My husband is in the military so where ever he goes, I go. The kids love it, but I am truly miserable in this whole situation. Can you tell me what to do?
Carolyn
It sounds like you already made a decision and you are asking me to validate it. Although your husband sounds like a lazy lover who doesn’t feel the need to keep the romance alive, and you feel you have exhausted every solution out there, you need to understand that your problems have more to do with you and your choices. The fighting and your issues didn’t suddenly appear on your wedding day. They were there before that, but you chose to ignore them and enter into this marriage anyway. You are driving blind through life, and when you were separated from your husband you chose another man who treated you just as poorly. You need a therapist to help you see what is really going on with you. Someone who can work with you to assess the deep rooted psychological reasons that you choose these types of men to be a part of your life. Take some time to work on you, and discuss everything with your therapist before you decide to uproot your life and that of your children. As for quality time spent with your husband, be pro-active. Let him know that you two will be going on a date night once a week and that dressing up is mandatory. Call a sitter, pick a restaurant and choose an activity that is interactive. If you find in the end that married life just isn’t for you, then you can walk away knowing you did everything possible.
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