Name: Kay
State: MI
Age: 38
Comment: I’ve been trying online dating for a while, but haven’t put too much effort into it.  Just a little effort here and there.  I’m finding it hard to read men’s online/virtual behavior and understand how to anticipate what kind of person he may be in real life.

I met a seemingly nice man online and we exchanged a few emails.  We traded phone numbers and started texting.  We’ve made plans to meet when our schedules sync up in about a week (we both have kids so it’s not always easy to free up right away).  Actually, he was free pretty much anytime, as his kids are older.  I don’t go out when I have my kids, as I must get a sitter, and frankly my time with them is precious.  He was understanding of that.  Good guy, right?  The thing is, he is texting me all the time.  I told him I was going to be watching football with a friend today and said “we’ll talk later.” and he continued to text all day.  About once an hour.  It feels like too much and I wonder if he would be needy and overwhelming.  But then I don’t want to be the kind of woman who runs away from a nice attentive guy..you know, the kind of woman who only goes after the unavailable men.  It’s taken me a while, but I’m learning to like the nice guys and spot the jerks before I get attached.  And I’ve been turning them away.  Now to spot the good guys from the needy ones.

If you had any tips on how to read men before meeting them, that would be great!

I’ll base my response on personal experience. The times where I’ve compulsively contacted someone have always been when I perceived they were being dismissive in some way. I sensed something was “off.” Which doesn’t mean they were doing anything wrong. They just weren’t giving me the attention or acknowledgement I wanted. So let’s put ourselves in the shoes of this guy.

SCENARIO 1 – You tell him that you’re watching football “with a friend.” If I were him, I’d assume you were with a guy. So, if I’m feeling particularly insecure, I’m going to text you to see how you respond or if you respond at all.

SCENARIO 2 – I’m completely clueless or not picking up on what you’re trying to tell me. You keep responding so I assume you don’t mind that I’m texting you.

Sometimes we get needy because we’re just inherently needy. But sometimes we get needy because we feel something is amiss. Between having a not so flexible schedule due to having your kids to watching football with “a friend,” it’s possible you’re coming across ambivalent in some way. Maybe not intentionally and certainly not to be hurtful. But to the person on the other end of the line, who is available and wants to meet, you might be giving off the “unavailable” vibe. So he’s feeling you out just as you are feeling him out. In dating, it’s important to be aware of how you might be perceived. Of course, you are not totally responsible for those perceptions. But it doesn’t hurt to put yourself in the shoes of the other person before making a decision or determination.

As I said in the comments of another thread, there are things people do that raise red flags for me.

1.  They take too long to reply to messages.

2. They have inordinately busy schedules or travel a lot.

3. Dates are spaced out with more than a week in between.

I perceive those people to be unavailable.  Unfortunately, online dating sites are filled with the jugglers, emotionally unavailable and the time wasters. After a few months of dealing with those types over and over, people just lose patience.Maybe this guy is trying to gauge how available you are so he doesn’t waste his time? Maybe he’s ready and open and wants to meet someone who is, too.

My suggestion to you is to be clear in your communications. If you are not available to text, respond to the first text with someone light and say, “I’ll be watching the game for the next few hours so let’s pick this up later tonight.” Lay down the boundary. If he then disregards that boundary and continues to text, that’s when you know you have a problem on your hands. Someone who disregards the boundaries that you lay down probably isn’t healthy enough to engage.

You also need to figure out just what sort of time commitment you can make. I’ll be perfectly honest and say the vibe I get from your letter is rigid and “unavailable.” You’ve already set up one exit strategy – your kids. I certainly understand and respect your choice to make your kids a priority. But if you want a relationship – a real one – then you have to go in to dating with the mindset that you’ll at least try to be more flexible.

If I read someone’s profile and they mentioned how much they work, I avoided them. If they talked about their kids (and definitely if they posted photos of them) and mentioned how their kids are a priority…I avoided them. Next.   Those people are already telling you that they don’t have much time. I said it before and I stand by it….if that first date doesn’t happen within a week of the first email exchange, and that person doesn’t offer a plausible reason for being unavailable that week other than the cliched “work is crazy” then be wary. Not. Available. Your relationship will revolve around them and their schedule. Those who will debate this need to accept the real possibility that they’re not nearly as available as they think. Either they’re not ready to give up the juggling or they’re simply not ready or capable of having a real relationship. Great for them if they find someone with an equally busy schedule. In my opinion those people, consciously or unconsciously, are looking for other unavailable people.

If you already have a a reason why you won’t or can’t be more available, you’re setting yourself up for failure.

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