It’s Not Her, It’s Him
Name: Should I Be Friends
State: Texas
Age: 29
Comment: Dear Moxie,
I met this guy on OKCupid 3 months ago. It was a very good first date and we started dating with no problems right away. He pursued me, treated me very well, we had a great connection and similar relationship goals. He would call me “love”, always make me feel special, make time for me, look at me with this sappy puppy dog look on his face, and valued our relationship. He is very smart, college-educated, and has a good job, and I have a PhD in Biology from a good school. Most of my friends have PhDs or MDs and are pretty “successful”. We are all friendly down-to-earth people who don’t take ourselves too seriously. I also want to say that I am the least intimidating person. I try to make everyone feel comfortable and don’t care about education level because I don’t view myself as anything that special because I have a PhD. One reason I liked him so much was that he never seemed insecure about the differences in education level, and many guys can be….I thought he was different.
Things were going great between us until we started hanging out with my friends a little more. He started to get insecure. Before he would never mention our differences in education, but now little comments would creep up about my going to a better school than him, how he never focused in school and didn’t get the best grades. He’d feel a little upset about not owning property yet….Whereas before he was always positive about his forward movements in life…
Last night after about two weeks of him pulling away he got up the nerve to break up with me (and he had to get drunk to do it). He told me his heart isn’t in it and his friends told him he should break up with me instead of dragging it on because it is unfair to me and I deserve more. He said I am the best girl he has dated and he has the most respect and admiration for me but something “intangible” is missing. He said this was so hard on him… He said he has never asked a girl who he broke up with to remain in his life but he doesn’t want to lose me and wants us to remain friends. I said no. I took the breakup well and didn’t make a big deal about anything but I said I believe it is because of our differences in education and my friends. He said no that isn’t it but he cannot say what it is….
The thing is I really liked the guy and could see us long term. Would you take him up on his friendship offer in maybe a month or so to see if he has come around? Or just let it be….Did I misread those initial signs? Put too much stock in them? I just keep thinking if a good relationship could turn so quickly, then what relationship could possibly work??
Thanks.
I don’t think your level of education has anything to do with why he ended things. I think he would have eventually broken up with you anyway. The insecurity sounds like it was always there. The whole bit about feeling intimidated by your friends and your success, to me, rings false. It sounds like an excuse.
That he would say that “his friends” advised him to end things so that you wouldn’t be hurt is rather weak. Even if that were the case, to admit it just looks terribly immature. More likely, he’s using his friends as a way to bolster his decision. Almost like he’s ducking responsibility. “Well, my friends said I should do it.” To quote pretty much everyone’s Mom, “If your friends told you to jump off a bridge, would you?” It’s like when someone tries to defend their opinion by saying that “others” agree with them. Oh. Well. If that’s the case, then you MUST be right.
This guy lacks confidence. Any time he’s around someone he’ll probably find something to compare himself to and to use as a reason to beat himself up. It’s unfortunate. But it’s not about you. He knew that his choice to end things was based on nothing tangible. He even said as much. That’s why he dragged his friends in to it. It’s funny how people reveal themselves and their true motives without even realizing it, isn’t it? He knows there is nothing specific he can point to, and that his decision to break up with you was probably based on nothing but his own insecurity. But he can’t or maybe won’t admit to it. Few can or do.
I just keep thinking if a good relationship could turn so quickly, then what relationship could possibly work??
Ahh. But this was never a good relationship in the first place. That’s the mistake you’re making with that thinking. I’m not sure there is anything you could have done to prevent this from happening. He said all the right things. There may have been signs all along that you ignored. Maybe things seemed “too” perfect or ideal. That right there is a big red flag. But then, some times relationships just click and they work. There’s no real litmus test other than your gut. And time.
Don’t use this is as a reason to think no relationship can work. True compatibility takes time to develop and discern. Now, if you keep finding yourself in this situation, well then that’s a different story. But for the purpose of this post, I’ll go on what you shared. And what you shared makes it seem like this guy has some issues that he needs to work out.
References:
https://creators.spotify.com/pod/profile/dater7/episodes/Haley-on-Titanic–and-Alpha-and-Beta-e3ddbrs