Is Prejudice Preventing Him From Getting Dates?
Name: ken | | Location: boston , MA |Question: hi!
Ok, i think your site is great and i had signed up for a speed dating session in boston a few weeks ago but couldn’t make it(i apologize). Ok, my painful question to you is this: why am i a dating failure?? It sounds like a simple question, but let me give you a little background and context to answer it fully.I am mixed(half nigerian,half american)and i came to the US 11 years ago. I have an accent(which these girls tell me is hot, but where’s the rewards?),i’m college educated,financially OK/comfortable,6’3 and good looking (not great, but good). Why don’t i get more girls in boston that i can actually consider date worthy? (could easily consider giving them the gf upgrade).
I know you are an expert on dating Moxie, but do you think you understand how bostonians behave? i typically like a nice and cute woman, but i feel boston girls aren’t naturally very nice and the looks i see them having on the streets turns me off more and more. BUT! i am a bastion of objectivity and i will give a fair person a fair chance. I think i have some racial insecurities in boston, but i am confident and racially exposed. Dating wise,i feel i get a lot less than a 6’3 white guy in boston would get. People say its about your attitude, but how am i ALWAYs expected to keep up a good attitude when sometimes the history of your experience is dotted occasionally failures/stereotypes and underestimations?
Sometimes i think i am a very special and interesting person and maybe a girl who isn’t that probably won’t sync with me? Since boston can be consired a city with a small town mentality(often), i feel most white girls in boston want white guys also.I desperately need some pointers from you because my optimism about dating boston girls is at an all time low. People stare a lot more in boston than NYC and it makes me suspicious of how “worldly” people here are. I am really into world affairs and international politics.Thanks for your advice!! |Age: 27
do you think you understand how bostonians behave
Yes, because I am one. Born and raised. Lived there for 23 years until I moved here to NYC. I only bring this up because there’s this tinge of smugness about this statement. Just the way you frame this question is condescending…as if you and your plight is just so terribly complex and unique. It’s not. No matter where you live, there will be a segment of the population that won’t date you. Or me. Or him. Or her. What disqualifies someone could be their job, their age, their race, their weight, their faith. As open minded as our society is becoming (I think) we still harbor prejudices. Like your prejudice against Boston women. You have them labeled and judged. Isn’t that the exact thing you fear women are doing to you?
What I’m saying is that maybe part of the problem is your attitude. Not only have you already decided that Boston women are this or that, but you’ve adopted a bit of a persecution complex about it. You perceive these women to have looks on their faces when you seem them. Maybe you’re projecting some of your insecurities?I think you might be going in to situations with these preconceived opinions and ideas. That’s only going to hold you back. You have to meet each person with an open mind until they give you a reason not to. Treat each woman as an individual case. Don’t lump them together.
All that said, I don’t think the whole onus is on you.
I think the other part of the problem is this:
I think i have some racial insecurities in boston, but i am confident and racially exposed….Since boston can be consired a city with a small town mentality(often), i feel most white girls in boston want white guys also
Okay. I’m just going to come out and say this. I don’t find Boston to be as evolved and progressive as some residents like to think. I have a bi-racial niece and nephew, and my niece (their Mom) still gets looks when she takes her daughter to pre-school. So I’m going to agree with your concern that maybe some women (some, not all) just aren’t open to dating men of races other than theirs. I don’t feel that is due to prejudice as it is due to environmental reasons. Most suburbs of Boston are pretty “white.” We tend to be attracted to what we were exposed to, and all that starts from a very early age.
As a side story, I was looking through photos of my family’s Easter Sunday. What used to be a sea of white faces was now a multi-cultural collage. My niece’s fiancee is Jamaican. My other niece’s boyfriend is African American. My brother in law’s daughter is African American and their son is bi-racial. Of course, my gorgeous niece and nephew are a mix of Jamaican, Irish & Sicilian. Plus my soon to be nephew in law’s sister and husband were also in attendance. So things change.
But back to you….
May I suggest trying to meet women who live in Cambridge? Cambridge, to me, is the closest to NYC that you’ll get. Definitely socialize in Boston proper. There are a lot of schools in Boston, and many graduates stay in Boston to work. So you’re going to meet a lot of women from all over the country/world. Even when I was at school (Emerson) 20 years ago, it was like I was in a whole new world. As I mentioned above, I came from whitey white town. In college, I was exposed to so much more and was given a window in to what the real world was like. You’re only 27, so going to college bars isn’t that unseemly. You’ll still find a group of post-grads there, especially MIT bars. I guess you could go for the tweener set (19/21) but do you really want to have to tell your friends that you’re dating someone who’s not of legal age to buy alcohol? Plus the emotional maturity level is drastically different. Those few years after college are when we develop an identity and sense of ourselves. At 19-21 or so we’re still figuring out who we are.
My other suggestion is to look for a job here in Manhattan and move here. I think you’ll notice a huge change in attitudes and experiences here. If that’s not an option, try online dating but look to meet women in NYC or DC. It’s a 3 hour train ride!
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