Human Nature
Name: Nash | | Location: Toronto , Ontario, Canada |Question: Hi Moxie,
Long time reader and first time sending you a question. Love your no-nonsense feedback and often too frank approach and I think this kind of reality check is just what the doctor ordered.
I’m a 43yo guy and I’ve been dating this woman for about a yr now. I love HR to death and to be honest I’m not sure if the problem lies with me and underscores some insecurities I may have or if this is the norm with women.
My girlfriend is about to move in with me. We’ve been planning and talking about this for a while and it’s finally happening. I’m pretty excited about that!!
My concern is that I’ve read some of her text messages (I know, I know…crucify the bad guy now) and while she tells me she does not have any unresolved feelings for any of her exes, I found 2 of them that she has been pretty open and saying that she still longs for them sexually. I’m a pretty open minded guy but I also have old fashioned values and I find this very offensive. Am I just kidding myself and worried for nothing since she assures me that I’ve nothing to worry about? Do women text their exes like this a lot? It seems like she’s always checking out the grass on the other side and can’t help but feel like she’ll bail of she finds serving that seems better.
Am I crazy or do you and/or your readers think that this is totally inappropriate?
Appreciate your insights on this. |Age: 43
Love your no-nonsense feedback and often too frank approach and I think this kind of reality check is just what the doctor ordered.
I hate statements like this. You know why? Because I highly doubt the same words would be used to describe a man. I never hear a man referred to as “no nonsense.” It’s as if, just because I’m a woman, I’m expected to have this softer tone and approach. So anything that doesn’t come across as coddling is branded “harsh” or “brutal.” I keep seeing all these dating advice blogs pop up, mostly written by women, and they all seem very quick to point out that they’re advice is “no nonsense.” Don’t do that to yourselves. Don’t feed in to that. No man would justify his opinions with a warning label. They just wouldn’t. You want to be honest, be honest. You shouldn’t ever try to sound abrasive or offensive just to get tongues wagging. But you also shouldn’t assign yourself certain descriptors that are really just back handed compliments applied to women who speak their mind. Too frank, my ass.
Moving on.
My girlfriend is about to move in with me. We’ve been planning and talking about this for a while and it’s finally happening. I’m pretty excited about that!!
Not buying it. You’re over selling it. In fact, I think the whole reason you snooped is because you were hoping to find something so you’d have an excuse to slow things down.
My concern is that I’ve read some of her text messages (I know, I know…crucify the bad guy now)
Don’t hang your head and offer some cutesy “aw, shucks” like some puppy that just piddled on the rug. You don’t feel bad for what you did. You’re making light of it.Another reason why I don’t think you’re nearly as offended as you’re claiming to be. You just found yourself a reprieve.
while she tells me she does not have any unresolved feelings for any of her exes, I found 2 of them that she has been pretty open and saying that she still longs for them sexually. I’m a pretty open minded guy but I also have old fashioned values and I find this very offensive.
Really? Do you watch porn? When you jerk off, do you think about other women besides your girlfriend? Is that offensive? Granted, it’s not totally the same thing. But sending erotic text messages is a far cry from sleeping with someone else. Why would you be offended at the idea that your girlfriend fantasizes about other men? Do you honestly believe that when we’re lying there beneath you, we’re always thinking about you? I can’t tell you how many times thoughts of Jeremy Renner have topped me off. Or an ex. There are people – men and women – out there who engage in this kind of activity with absolutely no plan of ever acting on it. It’s all about intention. This is where communication is key and why couples need to check in with each other and put their egos aside.
There’s been a lot of talk here about what turns a woman on and how women are more emotional and therefore cheat less or for different reasons. All this stereotyping is encouraging the wrong expectations. Like how, as long as your showering a woman with attention and affection and offer her the idea of security, she won’t stray. That all we need to stay faithful is a ring or our name on a lease.
Women have a lot of the same impulses and desires and fantasies as men. Women have sex for many of the same reason men have sex, and it has nothing to do with wanting an emotional connection or to feel safe. I think a lot of men are choosing to ignore that and sticking their heads in the sand because the truth scares them too much. Yes, guys, keeping us satisfied has gotten more difficult.
Am I just kidding myself and worried for nothing since she assures me that I’ve nothing to worry about? Do women text their exes like this a lot? It seems like she’s always checking out the grass on the other side and can’t help but feel like she’ll bail of she finds serving that seems better.
Well, you were worried before you snooped. That’s why you snooped. But were you really worried? Or was that just your cover? People are going to flame me for my response here, but it doesn’t sound to me like you’re ready for this next step. I think you were looking for something, a reason, to put on the brakes. There appears to be reservations on both sides. I think what concerns me most is how you seem to be surprised that a woman is behaving in a way that is generally considered to be male behavior. The statement implies that you know and accept that men do it. So why are you so surprised that a woman might, too?
Rarely is our behavior ever motivated by one thing. It’s not that simple. There are always secondary motives driving our actions and decisions. Could she be texting her exes for the vicarious thrill? Sure. But my guess is there is more to it. Just like I think there’s more to your snooping than just a nagging gut feeling. You two both need to have a..heh…frank and no nonsense discussion about how you really feel about taking this next step. The texting and the snooping are merely symptoms of deeper issues.
And you know what? It’s okay to be afraid or worried or want to change the pace of a relationship. It’s actually quite normal. What you want to avoid is moving forward with something because you think you’re supposed to as opposed to genuinely wanting to.
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