Do You Trade Sex For Exclusivity?
Name: D
State: CO
Age: 43
Comment: I’ve been seeing a woman (let’s call her Jean) for the past month or so. We get together 2-3 times per week, and we’ve been having sex since our third date. I think there’s long-term potential, but I’m not ready to be exclusive yet. In the meantime, I’ve also been dating other women, though none of them have led to sex.Last night Jean & I had a conversation about expectations. I have a long-distance FWB who comes to town about once every 5-6 weeks. She’s due in town again in mid-October. I had told Jean about her previously and said we have an agreement that if one of use finds someone we want to be exclusive with, we’ll stop hooking up. (This is 100% true. As it happens, I told the FWB just a couple days ago that there’s a good chance I’ll have to invoke that rule soon.)
Jean told me that she’s not asking for exclusivity, but she doesn’t want me to have sex with anyone else as long as she and I are having sex. So that means no seeing the FWB, which she specifically asked about. She said she was not asking for exclusivity, but that this particular case was a deal breaker.
I’m fine with that, but I’m not ready to be exclusive, and there’s a non-zero chance that I’ll have sex with some of the other women I’ve been seeing.
My question is, what’s my obligation here? Should Jean & I stop having sex for a while? Or do I only do that after I have sex with someone else?
I don’t lie, but I don’t necessarily volunteer everything. Jean hasn’t asked about any other dates I’ve been on, but since she pointedly did *not* ask for exclusivity, she’s at least theoretically aware I’m seeing other people.
Jean told me that she’s not asking for exclusivity, but she doesn’t want me to have sex with anyone else as long as she and I are having sex. So that means no seeing the FWB, which she specifically asked about. She said she was not asking for exclusivity, but that this particular case was a deal breaker.
Asking you not to see or sleep with your FWB is most definitely asking for exclusivity. She’s just using the back door entrance. I’m sure she believes she’s not trying to pressure you, but she is.
I had told Jean about her previously and said we have an agreement that if one of use finds someone we want to be exclusive with, we’ll stop hooking up.
This is why you don’t talk in any kind of detail about your extra curricular pre-exclusivity activities. You were honest. Foolishly honest. And now she’s using it against you in order to force your hand and commit.
My question is, what’s my obligation here? Should Jean & I stop having sex for a while? Or do I only do that after I have sex with someone else?
You’re not obligated to her unless you agree to give her what she wants. At that point you’re locked in. If you give in on this, she’s just going to continue to put down these demands. I mean, really? She doesn’t even want you seeing your FWB? I mean, I completely understand why she’s uncomfortable with it. But she’s not your girlfriend. You’ve only been dating a month. She’s dictating not only who you have sex with but who you hang out with. Give in on this and you’ll never be able to re-gain any ground. I guarantee you that if you had been even more honest and told her outright that you’re actively dating other people, she’d have laid down an edict against that as well.
My advice is to make it clear to Jean that exclusivity is not on the table yet and that it won’t be until you’re both ready for it. If she bails, then you dodged a bullet.
Call her bluff. Tell her that, since you’re not ready to be exclusive, that you think it’s best that you and she stop having sex since you know she’s not comfortable with that. Basically, she’s using sex as a bartering chip in order to get what she wants. Two can play that game. So tell her you understand her concerns and you feel it’s best that you and she table the sex until you’re both ready to commit. Then see what she says. She’s going to get upset, of course, because what you’d actually be telling her – you know, in a back door kind of way – is that you’re sleeping with other people. Or at least want to. What she’ll really be pissed about is that her trick didn’t work.
If she’s smart she’ll say, “Okay. No problem. In fact, I agree.” Or she’ll say that you and she can continue sleeping together but she doesn’t want to know what you’re doing when not with her and that you have to use condoms. She’ll probably ask you to still tell her if you’re sleeping with anyone else. If that’s what she says she wants, then give it to her. ( Though she really doesn’t want to know. That’s another false sense of security check point that pretty much always backfires.) Then she’ll drop the subject, keep her own options open, and either you two will become exclusive naturally or she’ll find a guy who will give her what she wants and you’ll get out of a potentially tense and unhealthy situation. Or she’ll take her toys and leave the sandbox. Win/win all around if you ask me.
The thing is, just because she tried this approach doesn’t necessarily mean she wouldn’t be a great partner. She feels threatened because she likes you. That’s a good thing. Sometimes we let our insecurities rule us. It happens to the best of us. But if she tries to push or force something before you’re ready, then she’s demonstrating to you that your needs and feelings aren’t terribly important to her. That’s a bad thing.
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