Deja Screw
Name: Katie | | Location: Minneapolis , MN |Question: I recently met “Doug” at my local watering hole and briefly spoke. 4 days later he found me on Facebook with only 2 obscure tidbits of information I had given him. We chatted online, then via text and after work one Friday he asked if he could stop by and hang out with me, I said yes. We laughed, had a few drinks, and hung out. He seemed genuinely interested in everything I was doing. He had told me at some point that evening that he was really busy all the time that he had a hard time getting back to people and making time for everyone, it would be a trait that I wouldn’t like about him. After our first date I waited to hear back from him but after about a week nothing. I texted to say hi and ask if he was interested, if not I’d “disappear”. He said he was, so I let it go.
Another week goes by and nothing. I texted him and told him I’d be in his area later perhaps we could get together and hang out again. He invited me over to his place and after a couple of drinks we slept together but he assured me that we’d be getting together again soon for he liked me and was going to try to make time for “this”.
I waited for 2-3 weeks and heard nothing. I texted him again to ask he was still interested, for it didn’t seem so, and his reply was yes. He said we could get together the following week, that I could text him then so I did and he said he was working non-stop (he’s an actor with 3 jobs) and he’d get together with me soon, when I pressed him for how long “soon” be, he just replied with soon. I let it alone and after 2 weeks he texted me to let me know he hadn’t forgotten about me, hoped I was doing well. I replied that I was and nothing..
3 weeks later, my g-friend and I were out in his area club hopping and I found out from the bar staff that he worked at the club we were at. So I texted him to let him know where we were, he replied that he was at a shoot, to text him later, he may be able to hang out if it wasn’t too late. My g-friend and I left for a bit, came back for a cigarette on the patio then decided to leave. As I was getting into my car, when “Doug” taps me on the shoulder and tells me that he had been looking for me. He got irritated for he thought I really hadn’t been there. Resolving the issue, I told him who our server was by name and he asked if I wanted to come over to his place for a drink, I agreed. At that point, it had been 2 months since we’d seen each other I was convinced he wasn’t interested in what I had to say so I kept things lite. He wanted to know what I’d been doing, what projects I had been working on etc. He showed me his day planner indicating that he’d been as busy as he said, then ended it with “well, I’m sure you still don’t believe me..” After about an hour of conversation, we again had sex. I stayed over at his request this time, and when it came time for me to leave he was very hurried and dismissive. The following day I texted him and asked if he was really wanting to date me or just have casual sex, for he really seemed bored with what I had to say the night before.
He replied with “ oooh, Katie, I think your wonderful and you do not bore me in the least. I very much like hanging out with you and loved seeing you the other night. I would very much like to keep in contact and see you again for sure, but I’m awful in relationships so that’s not what you want. I’m a big fan of you so you need to tell me what you want hun, xoxo”
I told him that I never said I wanted a relationship, but I liked what we had for the time being, that maybe I’d see him in a couple of months or something.. he replied with a “YES!!”
The thing I’m confused about is that he’s extremely attentive and “formal” when we are together; He politely asks me if I’d like to come in, opens the door, takes off my shoes and puts them aside, makes me my favorite drink, samples it to taste, takes my purse for me, lights my cigarette then hands it to me before he lights his own, when I leave he gathers all my clothes and gives me privacy to change, and walks me out to the car.. this is part of why I like him as much as I do. Granted I’m not new to this game, but that seems quite a lot of effort to just have sex..I’m sure it’s not retrievable at this point but not sure what I had done wrong here.. I wanted to know from the beginning if he was interested so I didn’t get attached, and now I have after 4 months. Please don’t’ tell me it’s because I slept with him because in some cases I’ve waited several months or a couple of dates and I get the same response every time. HELP!
|Age: 41
I had a whole other post written and scrapped it. It was really ranty and flamey and just not productive. I was clearly angry at myself (still!) for having engaged in something so eerily similar.
What I hear is someone lonely so she’s grabbing on to whatever she can. You can be 41 or 21 and be affected by profound loneliness. It sucks and I’m sorry if you’re experiencing that.
Reality? This guy is not interested in you in any capacity. He doesn’t care about your day to day goings on. He probably doesn’t even listen. His feigned annoyance at how he thought you were jerking him around at the club was just that. Fake outrage. It was done to put you in a position where you’d feel guilty for questioning him and make you less likely to push him to offer more or follow through on his word. He’s bailing because you’re putting a whole lot of importance on whatever it is he can give you. You’re clinging to his every pseudo, faux promise. He doesn’t want to totally cut you loose because he doesn’t want to lose you on his list of air bags on which he can crash when he needs it. But he also doesn’t want you digging your claws in deeper. Yes, if you just kept your mouth shut and waited, he’d probably eventually contact you. But that’s not what you want.
He showed me his day planner indicating that he’d been as busy as he said, then ended it with “well, I’m sure you still don’t believe me..”
This kind of behavior makes me all kinds of stabby. Oh, I believe he’s been busy. What I don’t believe is that he’s been so busy that he didn’t have time to see you. Statements like “well I’m sure you don’t believe me” are said with the intention of making him look wounded and hurt. Fuck. That. He’s not misunderstood. The only person who misunderstands him is him.
You aren’t attached to him. In fact, I’ll bet you know he brings nothing to the table in terms of personality, depth or character. But he looks good. And it feels good to have someone pay attention to you. That’s what you’re attached to. Not the man. The attention.
He replied with “ oooh, Katie, I think your wonderful and you do not bore me in the least. I very much like hanging out with you and loved seeing you the other night. I would very much like to keep in contact and see you again for sure, but I’m awful in relationships so that’s not what you want. I’m a big fan of you so you need to tell me what you want hun, xoxo”
Make note of something….”very much.” “Big fan.” “In the least.” “For sure.” He is grossly over selling this. And….he’s putting the onus on you to detach. He’s not going to do it. He’s wrapping up in a bow what is an obvious attempt to get you to leave him alone. If you choose to end things, then he’s off the hook. From the start he set the terms of this arrangement. The minute you slept with him you agreed to them.
I wanted to know from the beginning if he was interested so I didn’t get attached, and now I have after 4 months.
Okay but you didn’t need to know what his interest level was to determine how YOU should think or react. That’s all up to you. You’re trying to pin the blame on him for why you got attached. Granted, he played in to this a little bit…but mostly this was alll you. This guy was up front about who he was and what he could offer.
The thing I’m confused about is that he’s extremely attentive and “formal” when we are together; He politely asks me if I’d like to come in, opens the door, takes off my shoes and puts them aside, makes me my favorite drink, samples it to taste, takes my purse for me, lights my cigarette then hands it to me before he lights his own, when I leave he gathers all my clothes and gives me privacy to change, and walks me out to the car.. this is part of why I like him as much as I do. Granted I’m not new to this game, but that seems quite a lot of effort to just have sex..
Lighting your cigarette and sampling your drink? It’s nothing. NOTHING. Mr. Belvedere there is simply investing. Doing things so he’ll be perceived as “good” and “interested.” Handling you your balled up clothes is NOTHING. You are clinging to someone who offered you nothing. Do you see that? Because if you don’t, then you are doomed to repeat this, and apparently have been repeating this pattern.
Please don’t’ tell me it’s because I slept with him because in some cases I’ve waited several months or a couple of dates and I get the same response every time.
This isn’t some phenomenon exclusive to you. Women all over the country, probably the world, get this treatment. The reason why is that we take what ever these men will give us. I can guarantee you that this guy has a multitude of women out there crying in their beer about him. You’re settling for men who are “meh” about you, and who are probably “meh” about most women. They’re not looking for anything or anyone of substance. They’re looking for ports in a storm. You’re falling for the exterior, the looks, the charm. You’re not taking the time to really examine who these men are. The thing is, these guys specifically usually TELL us who they are. We just don’t listen. Men who slap a disclaimer on what it means or is like to be involved with them should immediately be relegated to “no” territory.
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