Dating Someone Emotionally Bankrupt
Name: Bree | | Location: Washington , DC |Question: Moxie,
I’ve read several of your post and always find your replies very interesting.
You have told many women when a man is not interested in them based on the posts I’ve seen and the questions asked.Moxie what is the surefire foolproof way to tell if a man sincerely likes, cares for and loves a woman?
Btw I know a man who told me he stayed in a relationship with a woman for 2 years because of how great she was at oral sex. I was with my ex-boyfriend for 2 years and the only reason we’re not together is because i found out about his lying and cheating and I ended it. He actually wanted to work things out and stay together….My ex did Everything imo a man is supposed to do that loves and cares about a woman. He actually did back up his words with actions. I met his friends and family fairly quickly and he wanted me to move in with him after like 3 or 4 months together. All his idea. I was the one who put him on hold and wanted to wait for another 3 months.
He always went out of his way for me and called me often and in fact wanted to take me with him where-ever he went, including out with his friends. He was to the point where he bordered on being a little “clingy”. At any rate almost the entire time he was the one who was cheating and I doubt he seriously was ready for a relationship… In the end my opinion of him is that he is someone who is moreso “in love” with the idea of being “in love” than with the person and when things get mundane and ordinary and the excitement and newness wears off he loses interest…but doesn’t want to say that or show it. My point is if your with someone who is doing everything you like, giving you everything you want and desire, and treating you well then why would you realistically question it…..?
But I’ve heard men say they will intentionally do what women like and treat them how they want and do whatever it takes to sleep with them…..some men even marry some women namely because of the sex…or get into relationships with them to get sex or maintain it and keep it…of course they say ” I love you” for sex too.
But seriously how are you supposed to know if the words are backed up with actions and all the t’s crossed and i’s dotted and everything seems and sounds sincere???? How do u ever really know the truth about how a man really feels unless he flat out tells you…..??? |Age: 34
I met his friends and family fairly quickly and he wanted me to move in with him after like 3 or 4 months together. All his idea. I was the one who put him on hold and wanted to wait for another 3 months.
And right there you had your answer. That is too quick. What was the rush? I know people in their twenties and mid thirties who have lived with three or four different people already, and they each had moved in with their respective mates after 6-8 months of dating. Now, call me judgey, but that dog don’t hunt.
He always went out of his way for me and called me often and in fact wanted to take me with him where-ever he went, including out with his friends.
Ah. And there we have it. The need for external validation. This guy just liked being able to say he had a girlfriend. There’s no true emotional investment involved, which is why he could act like a loving and adoring boyfriend to your face and screw around behind your back. I see men and women like this all the time. Especially on Facebook and Twitter. They’re the ones constantly yammering on about their “boyfriends” or “girlfriends.” I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. People who use social media platforms to brag about their relationships are doing so not out of genuine happiness or appreciate, but because they’re looking for some sort of external validation. Either they want to brag about having a BF/GF or they’re sending some not so cryptic message to their partner.
That relationship is a tool of sorts. A promotional tool. Maybe it’s a way to promote themselves or their “brand.” “Look at me! I’m in a relationship! That means I’m special!” Maybe they’re even promoting a business or service. Something about that relationship gives them a feeling of superiority. They’re with their partner not for the nurturing or emotional support. They’re not even with them for the sex. They’re with them because the idea that they have someone who adores them and does whatever they want and indulges their every whim makes them feel good about themselves. These are the people who are always in some kind of relationship. They rarely let much time go between break-ups. They’re quickly back in the saddle.
In the end my opinion of him is that he is someone who is moreso “in love” with the idea of being “in love” than with the person and when things get mundane and ordinary and the excitement and newness wears off he loses interest
I agree with the second half of your statement, but not the first. I don’t believe these people are in love with love. That implies that they are capable of actually loving someone. They’re not. Their relationships are all about them. They think in terms of “me” and not “we.” It’s never “we did this together.” It’s “she/he did this with me.” The partner is secondary. They are the primary focus, even in their thoughts. Where I co-sign with you is that these people ALWAYS get bored. Having someone adore you is only interesting for so long. Once the partner has served their purpose(s) there’s no point in staying in the relationship. But they will. Remember. It’s not about the love. It’s about the validation. As long as their mate is manageable, they can endure pretty much anything. Even marriage. They just look elsewhere for someone new to validate them so they can relive the glory all over again.
Moxie what is the surefire foolproof way to tell if a man sincerely likes, cares for and loves a woman?
There is none. You keep looking for some magical formula to prevent you from ever meeting another deceptive person. This is, what, you’re 7th letter to me in 2 weeks? You just mentioned in a comment recently that the men in your family exhibited the EXACT same behavior as your Ex. You even went so far as to praise these men for being so attentive and wonderful save for that pesky cheating and lying thing. The problem isn’t these men, Bree. The problem is you. And it’s me. And it’s every woman who continuously finds herself involved with malignant men and who justifies and indulges their behavior. Stop trying to figure them out and start figuring out why you seem to continuously have this problem.
I realize that there’s this backlash out there about blaming the single person for why they’re single. Look. I’m sorry, but I refuse to hand hold. It’s a huge waste of my time. Some of those people are perpetually single because they choose to be. But the ones constantly defending why their single? Uh uh. There’s a problem there.
Someone recently sent this to me via email and I thought it was interesting:
I don’t know why women on your blog think its normal and okay to suffer from ocd or a personality disorder.
Okay. It’s a little harsh. But there’s some truth to this. What’s REALLY unhealthy is that the go-to response for much of these queries is usually something like, “You can do better.”
You know what? Maybe you can’t do better. Maybe you don’t want to do better. Maybe you’d rather just take that belief system you’ve created – wherein the opposite sex and relationships are just all pointless or useless or whatever – and hang your hat on it. I mean, I guess the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t, right? Better to stick with the people we know are assholes, that we know will eventually disappoint us, right? Because then at least we have a plan and a set of coping mechanisms in place for those people.
You could do better if you wanted to. You could if you were willing to be accountable and ask yourself the tough questions and go through the angst and pain of having to confront all that stuff. Or you could sit on Twitter and Facebook or Blogs and subversively ask people to not judge you. You can use these platforms to bitch and moan and call in all your equally jaded sisters or brothers so they can agree with you and tell you it’s not you. But it is. You. So stop putting all this junk out there for everyone else to absorb. It’s like filing for Emotional Bankruptcy. You don’t want to fix the mess you’ve created for yourself, so you continue to incur more and more debt until you can’t pay it off and then expect everyone else to cover it.
And that, my friends, is what we’re seeing. We’re seeing a romantic/emotional downturn. Follow me here, folks, as I’ll be going in a sort of circular motion. (TM Kevin Spacey, Swimming With Sharks.) It’s like when people are unemployed for months and months, not because they don’t have the ability to work, but because they’ve decided that they will only accept a job that is worthy of their skills and education. It’s structural emotional unemployment. It’s not going to go away in the short term. There just isn’t enough demand for your particular skill set. So you do one of two things…you gain more skills or you take what you can get to survive. You either need to up your skill set so you can be more “employable” or you have to accept that you just aren’t as skilled as you think you are. I don’t want you to fall in the latter category. I want you to be part of the former category. Know why? Because better skills means better pay and more stability.
So to answer your questions Bree…the only way you’ll be able to tell if someone is for real or not is if you clean out those filters and re-wire your system. That means you have to fix that belief system you have and readjust/re-define what constitutes a “good” man or a “good” relationship.
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