He’s Not Ready to Get Married
Hi Terry,I’d really appreciate your advice on this one.I’ve been dating a man for about 5 months (though the first 6 weeks before we met was internet correspondence, so we’ve been in-person dating about 4 months). Things have been going well. We’re both in our 30′s ( I’m a couple of years older) and looking for long term serious relationships.Here’s the problem. This guy doesn’t have a lot of relationship experience and swears, in so many words, that I’m more or less the answer to his prayers. Him and I are both quirky and not the types of people who find it easy to meet like-minded souls. This guy has even told me that before I came along, he had resigned himself to never finding someone compatible. I’ve also met his family and have participated in some family events of his. He has stressed, many times, that I’m the only woman he’s ever met that he feels he can share a life with.Despite our common interests and common long term goals, I almost broke it off with him because I started to feel there wasn’t a future in it. The guy is a full time student with 3-4 more years of school and lives rent-free with a relative and it seemed like I’d have to wait around forever until he stabilized. He seemed very comfortable in his situation and at my age (I’m closer to 35 than to 30) I can’t wait years for a guy to get his act together. He also never initiated conversations about the future.I was pretty much ready to let him go and we had a frank conversation and I laid all the cards out on the table. To my surprise, he claimed he would do anything not to lose me and seemed to indicate his goals were the same as mine, but that he hadn’t wanted to mention those topics. We also agreed that we’d move in together when I find a job (I’m currently unemployed) and get the ball rolling.I’ve initiated several talks about the future and about having kids. His time line is a lot longer than mine and with pushing and pulling he seems to accept my position. For example, with my bio clock, I don’t want to wait too long to have kids with a person who claims that I’m the one they want to be with for the long haul. He felt he should wait at least 2 years. I told him I couldn’t wait 2 years to start and was going to end things because of that, but then he agreed that next year would be OK with him. For some reason, our marriage timelines don’t mesh.To make a long story short, I decided that moving in with him before marriage won’t be a good idea and told him that I only want to move in with someone in the context of a committed relationship. He seems to feel people should live with each other first for a few months before marrying (he’s never lived with a significant other. I have). He has agreed to be in a long term relationship with me, move in with me, and supposedly have kids with me, but is reluctant to agree to marry me. He’s made comments before to the effect that he’s not ready for a “lifetime commitment.”I recently told him I need some space to reevaluate our relationship and ended up putting all my cards on the table and telling him in so many words that I am ready for marriage and that the moving-in-first scenario won’t work for me. I also told him that I’m uncomfortable being the only one who initiates dialogs related to our future such as living together, marriage, and kids. He says he’ll think about things.. Our conversation ended on a vague note and I don’t know what the outcome will be.Even though he seemed to come around to my point of view of having kids earlier than he initially thought of, he still doesn’t seem to take action or get the ball rolling on the marriage and kids issue. I feel it’s all still theoretical with him. He also has never initiated any dialogue to give me indication of explicitly wanting to marry me and proposing any kind of concrete timeline. I feel like the “shrew” pressuring the guy.I’m hurt because he claims I’m his soul mate. His family also feels he should should get married. And I don’t believe his reluctance is financial, because although he is on a low income, he’s receives an academic scholarship and most of his classmates in his graduate program are married or married with kids, on a similar income to his.My feeling is that at my age, courtship needn’t be so long. I’ve been in long courtships and nothing came of them. I feel that if I am as wonderful as he says I am (he claims that I’ve pretty much cured his loneliness), he should be happy to marry me and get the ball rolling. Not perpetually waver or not initiate anything.Your thoughts?-Not Waiting Around
Dear Not Waiting:
I understand your frustration. You want something very badly, and you seem to have run up against a roadblock.
The guy says he’s crazy about you. You are happy to have found a “like minded soul.” Unfortunately, after four months of dating, he’s not ready for a commitment.
Okay…
The first thing I’m going to ask you to do is imagine that you’re the one who’s
hesitant to commit at this point. You don’t have much relationship experience. You’re going with this person you consider an actual soul mate.
Finally, someone understands you. He gets you! You can’t believe your luck. You don’t want to do anything to blow it. This is all new to you. But, after four months, he wants to seal the deal and get married. He wants children. You’re in school, though, which worries you. Some of your friends at school are married, and you’re thinking, I’d rather finish up what I have on my plate before I fully commit to this new life. I love this person, and I don’t want to do this half-way. I want it to be right.
Also, you’ve lived long enough to know that sometimes people aren’t who they seem to be. This guy seems like the real deal — the soul mate — and if he truly is, he’ll continue to be. So what’s the rush?
Do you see where I’m going with this?
I understand that you want to have children, that you’re almost 35 (which is hardly old by today’s standards). But I have to ask you, what happens if you get this guy to marry you, you get pregnant, and then you find his ideas on raising children are completely foreign to you? What happens if you have problems getting pregnant (I certainly hope it won’t happen, but it happens to a lot of people). What happens if you do have a child, and the child isn’t healthy?
What then?
You want to “get the ball rolling,” but before you can get married and have children, you need a solid foundation in place. It’s great that you consider each other soul mates, but can you count on each other if things don’t go according to plan? What kind of husband will this man be for you if you get sick or hurt? What kind of wife will you be to him if he gets sick or hurt?
Please give yourself the gift of time to find out.
I have a strong feeling this isn’t the advice you were looking for, but I’m not going to lie to you. There are a lot of people trapped in unhappy marriages out there. I’d hate for you to be one of them.
To your happily ever after,
Terry
References:
Navigating Honesty in Modern Relationships
Online Dating: Meet The Parents
What Your Husband Is REALLY Thinking
First Impressions That Make Men Want More
Nice Guys vs. Bad Boys – Who Do You Love?
How To Impress A Man On The First Date
Take Yourself From ‘Insecure’ To Magnetic – Fast
How To Know If it’s Really Love? (Finding the Real Thing)
How to Make a Woman Fall in Love With You