11 Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees
In a 1943 edition of Mass Transportation Magazine, Mr. L.H. Sanders published the article “11 Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees.”
I for one was shocked and outraged by this article because the overt misogyny (which was called empirical evidence back then) wasn’t quite strong enough to be relevant in today’s workplace.
It’s time for a second edition to be published, and by god, I’m just the man to do it. We’ll start with one of Sanders’ 11 points exactly as they appeared originally, and I’ll post the 2012 second edition underneath.
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1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters. They are less likely to be flirtatious. They need the work, or they would not be doing it. They still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.
2nd Edition: Pick young, attractive single women. Very few of them – married or unmarried – have much of a sense of responsibility anyway, so you might as well have something pretty to look at. Though its unwise to bang a direct report, you can at least give the other men in the office somthing to shoot for on business trips.
2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It is always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.
2nd Edition: When you have to use older women, remember that a good 50% of them are ladies. You should vet for traditional feminine strength, and if you find it, reward it by putting her in charge of the younger girls in the office. No one can or will set a Princess Bitch straight faster (and with less HR consequences) than an older woman.
3. General experience indicates that “husky” girls – those who are just a little on the heavy side – are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.
2nd Edition: General experience indicates that fat chicks who know they’re undesirable will try to make up for it by working efficiently. Delusional fat chicks should be shunned, shamed, and avoided at all cost.
4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination – one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.
2nd Edition: Don’t waste your time or money conducting any physical or psychological evaluations. If she wakes up on the lazy or litigious side of the bed, your ass is toast – mental or physical defect or not.
5. Stress at the outset, the importance of time; the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.
2nd Edition: Just go ahead and build little Johnny’s soccer game, her menstrual cycle, and gossip time in to your organizational calendar and be done with it. There’s no getting around it, you misogynistic asshole.
6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they will keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.
2nd Edition: No update.
7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.
2nd Edition: Vocational hypergamy is an important concept that requires further study. Make sure to assign her different tasks throughout the day or month, and then when she meets the bare minimum standards, congratulate and praise her like she discovered the cure for AIDS or something.
8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.
2nd Edition: All female employees – from the hot girl to the she-beast with a chiseled jaw line – want to be attractive at work, but that’s not your problem. She can take regularly scheduled breaks just like the men in the office.
9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they cannot shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman – it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.
2nd Edition: Women are over sensitive and over communicative in the office. If you don’t crush her spirit quickly, you’ll have to listen to her mouth for the duration of her tenure. You will either put them in their place, or they’ll put you in yours. There are no other options.
10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl’s husband or father may swear vociferously, she will grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.
2nd Edition: Most women are as crass and filthy as the men in the office. But be careful; it’s only acceptable when she thinks it is, and never laugh at her filthy jokes until you’ve confirmed they’re jokes and not a weekend field report.
11. Get enough size variety in operator’s uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point cannot be stressed too much in keeping women happy.
2nd Edition: Uniforms supplied by men to women are scientifically proven to reduce muffin-top exposure by 100%, and increase boob exposure by 78%.
References:
Are You Breaking These 3 Rules Of Love?
The Icy Waters Of Online Dating
What I Learned From Falling In Love
One Way Or The Other: Cleaning Out The Dark Spaces Of Your Relationships