Name: Dan
State: LA
Age: 38
Comment: I have a question regarding women who tell you in the beginning of dating or on their online profile that they don’t want anything serious right now, want to take things slow, want to start off as friends/maybe more later, etc.

Most men view this type of woman as a total waste of time and figure if she was really interested she would not tell you this.  In fact, they believe she is telling you she is not really interested in womanese. Further, many men believe that she is only with you as entertainment and that as soon as she meets someone whom she is truly interested in she will leave you in the dust.

On a personal level, I tried this “once” and it did not work. I feel that if a woman is interested and wants to see where “it leads” she won’t tell you this. It just feels when things are progressing and she puts the “brakes” on, something is not right.

What do you guys and gals think of this and would you ever get involved with someone like this.  I know this scenario can apply to men too but I am seeking opinions on when a woman does this. However, of course, feel free to share any opinions.

Most men view this type of woman as a total waste of time and figure if she was really interested she would not tell you this.  In fact, they believe she is telling you she is not really interested in womanese.

I see the same sort of disclaimers in men’s profiles. You’d be right that they would be telling you that they aren’t terribly interested. Some of those people are aware of that fact when they say it. Others aren’t. Like I’ve said before, there are a lot of people on those sites who think they want a relationship, but don’t or aren’t capable of having one.

Anybody who states in their profile that they want to start things off slow and see where it goes, are “dipping their toe back in to the dating pool,” or looking for “friends first” are, in my opinion, a waste of time. They aren’t sure of what they want OR they’re telling you up front they can’t give much at all. I guess they think there is a big plate of cookies somewhere to reward them for their honesty. That’s one of those things that people reveal and don’t know just how revealing they are being.

I feel that if a woman is interested and wants to see where “it leads” she won’t tell you this.

I would agree with you. I once had a guy from OKCupid ask me out. He suggested we meet for coffee early in the afternoon “just in case” there wasn’t any chemistry. He may as well have said, “I’m going in to this expecting not to be attracted to you.”  I totally agreed with his sentiment and reasoning. But for him to take the extra step and tell me that’s what he was thinking made me think he was hesitant or suspicious of the whole process. In one sentence he revealed his skepticism, and that didn’t appeal to me at all. That wasn’t the type of person I wanted to meet. Too much work.

Any sort of wishy washiness or waivering or back and forth is rarely a good sign. Years ago I received a great bit of business advice. My friend said to try to be everything to one market segment than try to be everything to everybody. Trying to appeal to everyone will stretch a person too thin. It’s also a sign that they aren’t really sure of what they want.

If you want to be someone’s partner, then sell yourself that way. If you just want to be someone’s lover, then sell yourself that way. Saying you want to start things off slow or be friends first defeats the whole purpose of being on line. Most people aren’t there to make new friends. They either want to casually date, want sex or want a relationship.  Hanging out with someone for a drink or a movie with little to no physical interaction is not dating. It’s not even casual dating. That’s someone who just wants companionship and attention. Time waster. Move on.

The people who use online dating but don’t have a clear goal or intention are more likely to end up meeting people who don’t want anything serious or substantive. That risk is high with online dating overall. But more so if you sign on not terribly sure of what you want and, more importantly, what you can offer. It’s totally possible to be open to casual dating and a serious relationship. In fact I think many people on those sites are open to that possibility. But someone who tells you about their casual intentions is slapping a big disclaimer on their forehead. They’re setting up an exit strategy from the get go. Oh…and if they only select “looking for new friends” as their relationship option, they’re pretty much saying, flat out, I’m looking for casual sex only. No dates. Just sex. Few people actually choose the casual sex option any more because they think it will hurt their chances. They usually choose “short term dating” or “new friends” to say what they’re trying to say.

Ambivalence of any kind should be a red flag and be avoided.

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