Has Dating Become a Full Contact Sport?
I read an insightful comment on another blog and it got me to thinking.
I hate sounding like a cranky old woman, but some things have happened lately that are leading me to believe that maybe things have actually shifted. That maybe it’s not about dating getting harder as I get older (having less choices, for example) but rather that the whole damn sport has changed. Kinda like basketball. Now it’s about brute force and everyone’s forgotten how to be a team player. Or something like that.- Simone Grant
It’s interesting that Simone mentions how dating has become less of a team sport. She’s right. It has. When it comes to dating, there is definitely now an “I” in team. The first thing people need to do is breakout of the self-absorbed and egocentric bubbles. That goes for men and women. If you wonder why you struggle to find someone for the long term, start with that rampant obsession you have with yourself. Stop marinating in your own juices for Christ’s sake. Let go of past hurts, stop caring so much how you’re perceived, stop hiding behind personas and just be you. Listen to the constructive feedback you receive and stop ignoring it. Get yourself in better emotional shape.
The problem as I see it isn’t that dating has changed. Change is good. Change is growth. The problem is that so many men and women refuse to adapt.
If we’re going to discuss how dating has changed, let’s discuss first the reason why people used to seek committed relationships and /or Marriage in the stone ages aka 10 years ago.
1. Financial Security – Well, that’s gone out the window, hasn’t it? Women no longer need to marry for financial support. Sisters are doing it for themselves. Now we have an increasing number of men seeking a “sugar mamma.” The current economic state provides them with a blanket excuse not to be the breadwinner. “It’s not just me! Lots of men are out of work!” Those that are employed aren’t too eager to become responsible for or ruined by someone else’s financial situation.
2. Sex – Please. You want to know how to have regular sex? Put up a profile on OKCupid. It’s that simple for both men and women. There’s a debate out there over whether people – men and women – would prefer consistent sex with the same person or multiple partners. My guess is the women would like to find one consistent partner while men prefer variety. So now what? Trying to find a man who will provide consistent casual sex – good sex – is a conundrum. Offer that and we condition men to believe that it’s that easy to get. So why stop at just one partner? Also adding to the problem? See point 1. Yep. Men who are out of work or who aren’t “pulling their weight” could possibly suffer from feelings of low self-worth. Think about it. They lose their job, become depressed, lose their identity, and likely eventually lose their relationship. That’s a mojo killer. I’ll lay money down that there are a lot of sexually unsatisfied women out there. (We’ll discuss the affects Porn has had on relationship a little further down.)
3. Intimacy/Attention – Who needs intimacy when you have a blog or Facebook or Twitter? At any given time you can find someone to sympathize with you. Who needs actual human contact? Intimacy as we know it no longer exists anyway. When you have a podium from which you can belt out anything from what you had for lunch to why you hate your neighbors, why bother cultivating substantive offline relationships? Need attention? There’s an app for that.
4. Children – Well, we don’t need marriage to have kids, do we? With all the medical and scientific developments over the past 20 years, getting pregnant no longer requires wooing or courting. With the divorce rate what it is, and with so many people down on marriage, and with the economy heading back in to the toilet the idea of bringing children in to this world is pretty scary. It’s hard enough to support yourself, let alone a family.
Now, these things are all subject to change. The economy will get better, people will eventually stop relying upon the internet for attention, etc. But what do we do in the mean time? Do we wait it out? Or do we evolve?
If all the above criteria are taken off the table….how does one compete? What is it that we can offer that can’t be readily provided by an internet connection? Here’s where Porn plays its part.
One commenter on Grant’s piece made a pretty astute comment:
….. the 24/7 online pornfest has put the final nail in chivalry’s coffing. First, it has completely upped the ante of exceptions in the bedroom, immediate exceptions, not after a real sexual intimacy has been established. Also, forget about three dates, seems like pornstar sex is excepted by date two. Also, a lot of guys have burnt their desire out on porn and no longer crave sex with a real woman let alone real intimacy. And if a guy if stressed out from work, isn’t so much easier to jerk off in front of the computer than to deal with the real life version of a woman he has been commiunicating with by text (not even phone calls!!) – Veronica
I disagree that men expect porn star sex on date two.I don’t believe, for men anyway, that it’s as much about technique as it is about accessibility. Jerking off to porn IS a hell of a lot easier and less expensive – and sometimes a lot less painful – than having to endure a bunch of dates and hoop jumping and mixed messages. Many women are braying about their right to casual sex. But many of those same women are putting an embargo on the act when it comes to dating. This is a major disconnect between men and women. “She’ll make me wait 6 dates before we have sex, but she’ll have a fuck buddy? I don’t get it.” I think many women are arbitrarily changing their rules when it comes to sex, thereby compounding not only men’s confusion but their frustration. Why not just sign up for BootyDate or whatever site, find a woman and have sex with her? Why not just stroke it to porn? Again, this is something that women are competing with for male attention. Women assume that what men learn or take from sex is how women like to be treated. I’m sure some men do. But I think the big take away for most men is that there appear to be women out there without sexual hangups, so why not just find and date them? Sure, some of those women have plenty of hang ups. Just not of the sexual variety. As long as they can keep those hang ups under control, men don’t mind them. But of they can’t? Buh bye. Moving on. I think many women feel the same. We just don’t have the energy to feed your egos anymore. We’re not responsible for the women who have come before us. Stop trying to make us feel bad because you chose poorly. And stop being afraid of being the bad guy. She doesn’t make you happy? Leave. Don’t cheat. Don’t keep one leg in and one leg out of your relationship. Make a move. Any move. But make one.
Ultimately, I think, the greatest competition out there for women is other women. The women who are letting go of the point value system and who own their sexual choices. Who don’t need a man but freely admit that they want one without feeling embarrassed or ashamed. The women who are adapting. What these women bring to the table is simplicity. The woman confident in her choices and desires are the most highly sought.
Same goes for men. Now, more than ever before, we have far more emotionally unstable/shattered males out there. They’re not bouncing back from break ups or divorces the way they did. They’re more vulnerable. It seems like women are expected to stroke their egos more and prove to them that they’re not like “other women.” They want their cake and eat it too. They want to play the role of the boyfriend – a word that has no meaning at this point – but don’t want to make the full commitment. It’s exhausting. You wonder why so many women opt for the Mr. Bigs and Don Drapers? It’s because – despite the fact that most of these men are totally emotionally bankrupt – they go after what they want. They possess a confidence not found in other men.
Grant compared dating to a sport, and she’s right. It is a sport to some degree. And like any sport, in order to succeed one has to be willing to compete. Bitching about men or women shouldn’t be a form of training, but it is these days. Blaming your lack of success on the other’s gender’s limitations or perceived issues isn’t going to improve your stamina. Putting down other men or women or trying to somehow slight them for not approaching things the way you do just makes you sound petty and jealous.Nothing is a bigger turn off to me than hearing a man compare themselves to other men and putting them down in order to elevate themselves. Same goes for women.
It’s go big or go home time. You can either face and rise above the challenges that dating now presents. Or you can sit on the bench with the rest of the JV squad and look on and wish you were them.
Instructions To The Ladies So As To Not Suck In The Sack
Why Do Women Care So Much What Other Women Think?
The False Dichotomy Between “Outer” & “Inner” Game
Suboptimal Preselection Still Helps
Non-Judgementalism and the Breakdown of Society
Why Family And Divorce Law Matter To Me