People Can Not Be Tricked Into Having a Relationship
Understand this:
NO MAN with any level of self-respect is tolerating sexual blackmail.
Here’s what I’m seeing, and it’s really starting to irk me.
I’m hearing a lot of women trying to get men with whom they are having casual relationships with in to treating them like they are in an actual relationship. They do things like:
1. Ignoring text messages in the hopes the man will eventually call them to set up dates.
2. Turning down date requests made at the last minute because they want him to plan more in advance.
3. Trying to get the man to spend the night.
4. Getting upset if a man doesn’t wish them Happy Birthday or somehow check in to see how they are or how they’re feeling.
5. Orchestrating romantic evenings or “date night” type activities.
6. Withholding sex citing their lack of interest in “sharing” or “health concerns” /Withholding sex in any form or somehow using their vagina as currency.
7. Trying to force the man to incorporate her in to his world by inviting herself over to his place or by inviting him out to meet friends.
Now, sometimes men do these things all on their own. Still doesn’t mean they have deep feelings for the woman or want something serious. Sometimes it does, but those are the exceptions to the rule and not the rule. And yes, there are plenty of exceptions.
Employing such tactics or using them as barometers to gauge just how interested he is will bring you nothing but frustration and disappointment. There isn’t a self-respecting man on this planet who will bend over backwards and indulge such needs for a woman in whom he is not emotionally invested. (If my grammar is wrong there, please tell me.)
If you’re not comfortable with the lack of control involved or interest shown within the confines of a casual relationship, stay out of them. I am beyond tired of listening to women bitch and moan and demonize men for not jumping for that little doggie treat known as their hoo hah. Your vagina could be Bedazzled with diamonds and encrusted with rubies…HE STILL ISN’T GOING TO PLAY YOUR STUPID GAMES.
Know why? He doesn’t have to. For one, stop convincing yourselves that men are all dumb animals led around by their penises and can’t think straight at the thought of being inside you. This rampant sexism out there directed at both men and women is oppressive. Stop it. If they found you, they’ll find another woman (or man) just as eager who truly IS comfortable with the limitations of casual arrangements. There are PLENTY of women and men out there who know EXACTLY what they’re getting in to when they agree to such situations, who don’t eventually try to bamboozle a person in to treating them like a boy/girlfriend.
And guys? If you keep meeting “dinner whores” or women who use you? Guess what? You have shitty taste in women. Yay! You have nobody to blame but yourselves for that. Stop making that our fault.
Ladies, keep meeting men who make salacious sexual requests, don’t make advanced plans or otherwise treat you as an option? Stop dating them. Or at the very least stop falling back on that tried and true “I have standards and that’s why I’m single” bullshit. Because you know what? If you keep engaging men who want nothing but sex from you and blow off every other guy by finding some stupid non-existent excuse visible only to you, then these standards you claim to have? Yeah, they’re abysmally low. It’s usually the women allergic to the word settle that always manage to settle, saying they have needs or are sexually empowered so why not have a fuck buddy? Meh. It’s transparent and it is old. You want a fuck buddy, have at it. Everybody needs that connection sometimes, even if it’s just the touch of another human being. I don’t begrudge anybody for that. I’ve been there many times. Just accept the fact that, by taking a fuck buddy or FWB or whatever stupid term we’re now using for these arrangements, you’re settling. Yes. You are. And you know what? THAT’S OKAY! The only person who sees shame in that is you.
And here’s the kicker. Just because a man is “just” having sex with a woman or keeping things contained doesn’t mean he’s “using” her. As I’ve said before, the weekly Dignity Date and a lay doesn’t much appeal to me. But that’s me. There are so many people out there that are looking for something contained and simple. It’s not just men. If that isn’t for you, then avoid it. If you’re looking for something more involved, then figure out what the other person can offer and make a decision. But don’t stick it out hoping that you can somehow get from them the type of relationship you want.
What needs to happen is that people – men and women – need to start being more honest with themselves about what they truly want and what they are capable of having. They also need to be crystal effing clear on what they bring to the table. Because let me say this…..nobody, but nobody, is going to take on the burden that is you if you are unpleasant, unhappy or unstable. There isn’t enough money, power, sexual artistry or orgasms to make a man or woman tolerate that bullshit. You want someone who is fun? You better be a barrel of god damn monkeys. You want someone active or “fit?” Your ass better be on that treadmill multiple times a week. You want someone “together?” Then you damn well better have a plan of action – professional, financial, personal- and at least be trying to make it work. Nobody says you have to have it all figured out. But you should be painfully aware of what you’re shortcomings are and be willing to try and improve them. (Just a reminder here…I’m talking to men and women. )
So many people say they want a relationship. But if you’re not truly capable of maintaining one, or if you’re not willing to try to be capable, then you have to stop using the opposite sex as a punching bag. It’s just not fair. It’s doing nothing but creating a resentment amongst the genders, fatiguing both sides, and making people give up.
We’re frustrated that we’re not finding what we’re looking for. But maybe that’s because nobody knows what they’re looking for anymore. Or that we’re so filled with self-doubt and shame and insecurity that we’d rather settle for someone who poses no threat of actually seeing us, warts and all. We ALL have warts. All of us. Marks on the record, Failures. Crucial mistakes that crippled us in some way. Yours do not make you unique. You can either face them and deal with them, or you can shut them out and pretend they don’t exist. Guess which one will get you what you want faster? But if you don’t have the balls to own them and acknowledge them and work on them, stay home. Just lie down and close your eyes. Get out of the way of those who can rise to the occasion.
It’s like men and women are trying to force the round pegs in to the square holes, over and over again, never getting new results.
There’s this complete lack of empathy going on out there, and it’s so disheartening and depressing. I’m telling you, people. If you would, for a minute, try to look at a situation from the other person’s perspective, you’d have more success. That so many people can’t seem to do that, to me, is the reason there are so many failed attempts at connections. It’s all about us, our pain, what we’ve experienced. Let me tell you something…none of us have cornered the market on heart ache. None of us. Stop wallowing, stop stewing, stop looking for sympathy and validation from people who don’t give a shit about you. At the end of the day, nobody other than your close friends truly care. And even they have a threshold for self-pity.
Enough.
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