How Close Do You Keep An Ex?
I want to get you guys’ perspective on this. Been exclusive with this guy for several months now, no fights, he’s great, we communicate, all the good stuff. I had a hard time in the beginning when I realized he was spending time with his ex that had been “driving me crazy, she wants me back and I keep saying no, won’t stop calling. I don’t know what to do.” according to him. I gave him some advice on how to get her to move on (no contact for several months, then slowly start talking again to see if a friendship could happen), but he never took it.
Now, she calls him constantly; he calls back or answers when I’m not around, but never when I am. They text constantly, he talks to me about her every single time we are together, what she’s up to, how she’s doing, here’s a pic she sent him of something she’s working on, etc. Honestly, I don’t care and really wish I didn’t have to hear about her.
I don’t really feel jealous like I have in the past of other women, but it just feels weird to me. I don’t really care to know about her, and part of me wishes they didn’t talk so much, which might be selfish. I don’t want to tell him who he can be friends with, but I’m really wondering if I can actually be okay with this ever. Am I right to feel weird about it?
He doesn’t have friends, and this girl is really close to him. I met her once, before we were exclusive, so she knows about me. Like I said, I don’t feel threatened per say, but I do feel a bit second-place. They broke up two years ago now, but never ceased contact for any period of time.
Thanks for reading and helping me out! You guys are always awesome, which is why I’m writing again – SB
I had a hard time in the beginning when I realized he was spending time with his ex that had been “driving me crazy, she wants me back and I keep saying no, won’t stop calling. I don’t know what to do.”
Oh. Well then a super way to get her to go away is to hang out with her. That’ll teach her! When you don’t want anything to do with someone, you don’t engage. That’s it. This junk about how he doesn’t know what to do is a load of bull. He knows what to do. He just doesn’t want to do it. Then he’s coming to you and “complaining” about it. That right there is what sets of my internal warning bells.
Now, she calls him constantly; he calls back or answers when I’m not around, but never when I am.
I’m assuming that he tells you it’s her, yes? Or do you look at his phone? I don’t think he should be expected to turn his phone off while he’s with you, but there’s no reason for you to know that she’s calling him so much. But then…SHE SHOULDN’T BE CALLING HIM. He hasn’t set any boundaries. For a reason.
Honestly, I don’t care and really wish I didn’t have to hear about her.
Then why are you hearing about her? Why aren’t you telling this guy you don’t want to hear about his Ex? Are you afraid of looking insecure or jealous? Don’t be. You have every right to lay down a boundary, although the real boundary should be that he stop being in such constant contact with his Ex. Don’t play the role of advisor to him. Don’t give him little tips how to get this girl to leave him alone. Clearly, if she’s still doing it, he likes it.
I don’t want to tell him who he can be friends with, but I’m really wondering if I can actually be okay with this ever. Am I right to feel weird about it?
Yes, you are. You shouldn’t HAVE to tell him that this situation makes him uncomfortable. He should already know that. And either he does, and doesn’t care. Or he’s clueless – which its totally possible – and you need to step in and say something.
He doesn’t have friends, and this girl is really close to him. I met her once, before we were exclusive, so she knows about me.
Yes. She knows about you and yet still continues to contact YOUR BOYFRIEND. See, the missing piece here is what he’s telling her. That’s what you don’t know.
I don’t have an issue with people staying in touch with their Exes. Friendly hellos, Happy Holidays, etc. You had feelings for each other once, so it makes sense that you’d wish them well and maybe check in. (Although that always strikes me as a tad shady, especially if they’re in a new relationship.)To me it feels like keeping tabs on said Ex. I don’t like that. It makes me think they’re performing due diligence in some regard, making sure their reputation will stay in tact. They make great efforts to mend fences with Exes, maybe even develop a “friendship” with each one, just to be sure their Ex won’t be out there bad mouthing them. It’s phony and self-serving.
If the core group of someone’s friends are people they casually dated that’s a red flag for me. I know women who do this and it’s because they don’t want the men to find someone else and lose their attention. – NB
I think I mentioned recently that a guy I went out with several months ago Friend requested me on Facebook the day after our date. After I accepted, I took a look at his page and his photos. Not only did he have a number of shots with women – like, 75% of his photos – but a few were obviously, based on body language and nature of the photos) Exes or women with whom he had some form of an intimate relationship.
I see no problem with people in relationships maintaining close friendships with people of the opposite sex as long as their are boundaries. In fact, I think that’s healthy and that their primary relationship could benefit because of the insight that the friend provides. Where I draw a line is someone who has a number of his Exes as close friends and confidantes. Friendly with Exes? Great. Hanging out on a regular basis to keeping in frequent contact? Uh. No. If these women have moved on to other relationships, then he should know enough that the boundaries have changed. That’s just how it works. Like NB said, it makes me wonder why he’s holding on to these relationships, especially if they were brief affairs and not several year long relationships. And even then, in the case of staying close with an Ex that you dated for a very long time, it concerns me. Though I understand that it’s hard to just extricate someone from your life that was a big part of it for so long.
These people – male and female – are fluffers. They provide some form of additional external validation. They present themselves as a shoulder to cry on and a sounding board for their “friends.” But what they’re really doing, I think, is trying to prevent their “friend” from committing to another relationship. They’re also usually quite competitive with and threatened by other members of their gender, which is why they don’t tend to have many friends of the same sex.
To the OP: I don’t see this guy cutting the chord with this woman any time soon. So either you’re going to have to speak up or accept this woman as the third wheel. And you should do it before YOU become the third wheel.
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