Dating Realities: The Online Dating Version
Ever since I started to do dating profile review sessions, I’ve noticed several similar issues amongst my clients. So I figured I’d whip up a list online dating realities to help make the process a little less frustrating.
1. Everybody lies in their profiles – Sometimes the lies are blatant, like about age or weight or interests. Mostly the untruths come in the form mood, personality or attitude. Everybody is trying to sell themselves. That guy who talks about all the hiking and traveling and wine tasting he does? Probably pretty boring. The worst lies, of course, are when people present themselves as being open to a real relationship. Then you meet them and it couldn’t be more obvious that they were really looking for a) a therapist or someone to talk to or b) sex. Very, very few people are the person they present themselves as in their profile.. Almost everyone writes themselves as happier, sexier, fitter and more engaging than they really are.
2. For every 5-7 first dates, maybe one will lead to a second date. – 1 or 2 will be complete busts. 1 you’ll end up sleeping with or getting swept up in the moment only to never hear from them again. 2 will say they’ll call again or would like to go out again only to disappear.
3. Bad phone doesn’t always mean bad date – We’ve discussed before that most men hate the phone step because they aren’t phone people. They get uncomfortable and awkward and don’t know what to say. They prefer to talk with us face to face. Regardless of the phone litmus test results, you should go out with someone anyway.
4. Request for additional pictures is rarely if ever a good sign – If someone asks for more pictures, then they’re basically looking for a reason to say no. They’re either emotionally burnt out or not taking the whole online dating thing seriously, they think your pictures hint at you being over weight (and to them 8 times out of 10 to them you will be) or they’ve met a number of “old picture” people and are now suspicious of everyone. And then there are the people who are looking for nothing more than to whack off and hoping the innocent picture trade will soon turn naughty.
5. People who put down their gender in their profile should be avoided – Anybody who has to put others down in order to elevate themselves is insecure and/or unhappy.
6. If they say they’re looking for something casual, they are – Don’t fool yourself in to believing a date with you will change them. It won’t. They’re basically looking to fill their dance card. Not find one special person with whom they can have lots and lots of sex. You will be one of many.
7. The people who are happy to email for days leading to weeks on end should be avoided – Bottom line: Unless they tell you they’re out of town, they’re stalling. They’re not looking for someone to date. They’re looking for attention and little more.
8. People with only 1 photo are suspect – Somebody serious about meeting someone will have at least 2 (preferably 3) or more photos.
9. People with several photos of themselves where it’s obvious they said, “Take a picture of me!!” are also suspect – It’s one thing if there are photos of them on vacation or in front of a monument or doing some activity. It makes sense to snap a picture. But people who are obviously posing for shot after shot like..make that need… attention.
10. Verbose profiles are usually signs that the writer is self-involved or self-important – We’ve all seen those profiles. You have to scroll and scroll down the page, and most of what they include is completely innocuous and pointless. Especially people who go on and on about their music and film choices.
11. Flirty banter is good…to a point. – It’s fine if someone likes to be flirty via email. But there’s a line. If you get the sense that they can’t ever write an email without saying something flirty or that has innuendo, they’re looking for sex. They’re laying out the bait and waiting for you to bite. If they flirt but never try to set up a date, they’re on that site for attention only. Punch out, Maverick.
12. People on these sites are fickle– Someone could exchange a handful of emails with you, things are going really well and then….poof…they’re gone. They’ve found someone else. If they’re this fickle via email, they’ll be fickle in real life.
13. If they’re still trolling that site after after 5+ dates they’re still keeping they’re options open – This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Some people take their time before jumping in to relationships. But many people who do this are dating with a safety net. They’re afraid to focus on just one person. They have to have someone to go to should the first situation not work out. That is never a good sign.
14. Emotional ambivalence abounds on these sites -Newbies have a hard time leaving the candy store. The people who are emotionally scarred from previous relationship are scared off by someone who appears emotionally available. Accept that half the fish in that online dating pond would rather swim around than be caught. Believe it or not, those who are emotionally ambivalent tend to seek out or are drawn to others who are the same. You can not save these people. They’ll date someone for 4-6 weeks, then dump then, then go back online.
15. Emotional Availability works against you more often than not – Since there are so many scared little fishies in this pond, one sure fire thing that will scare them off is if you’re open and available. I can tell you that this, I believe, is the reason why so many people have great first and second dates and then get that Dear John/Jane letter. It wasn’t anything you said or did. It wasn’t because you didn’t sleep with them. It was because they perceived you as emotionally healthy and available and they aren’t.
16. If you’ve seen them on other sites off and on for more than a few years, avoid – There’s a reason why they’re still using these sites and it’s rarely that they’ve been in relationships. Quite the opposite. They’re serial daters. I’ve only been on two dates with two separate men that had profile creation dates that were more than 3 years old. Both times the men were completely burnt out and going through the motions.
17. The Fade is standard operating procedure – Don’t bother getting upset if someone falls off the planet. Don’t follow up with them a week or two later with some snarky retort. They don’t care. They never cared. Especially don’t do this if you’ve never met the person. Like I said above…if they engaged you in email banter and flirty texts but never made a move to meet, they were either lying about who they were or never available/interested in the first place.
18. They call it Online Dating for a reason – If you’re looking for a relationship and are one of those people who want to have “the talk” after 3-5 dates, look elsewhere. If you’re looking to date someone to see where it goes then try online dating.
19. If you’re female and over 38, accept that your experience will be difficult – You could be beautiful, fit, cultured, engaging, etc. Doesn’t matter. Men will look at your age and dismiss you. It sucks, but it’s how it is. You’re dealing with men who have reach their late 30′s or older who have never settled down, or who have and the fantasy crumbled so they’re jaded. They have baggage, financial issues and maybe even kids. They aren’t anxious to jump back in to commitment. Or they’ve spent much of their adult life avoiding it.
20. Online Dating sites are no place to be picky – Seriously, you’re on there for a reason, and that reason is that you’re not finding what you want offline. That means you need to re-evaluate your criteria. The people who seem ideal almost always turn out to be fakers, any way.
Did I forget any?
Polish Girls: The Pattern Of Empty Promises And Boyfriend Excuses
The Art Of Adaptive Dating Game
The Price Of Honest Self-Disclosure
5 Things I Should Be Able To Do Without My Manhood Being Questioned