Dating Reality: A Return On Investment is Rare
Name: Veg || Location: Venice , Florida |Question: Hi Moxie. I am new to dating again and have joined a couple of online dating sites. I have two first graders and I work full time as well as do some volunteer work. Needless to say, my time is limited and precious to me. There seem to be a lot of guys who will send a one or two line email and then ask to meet. I understand not wanting to waste a lot of time on someone if you are not going to “click” or have chemistry so I get that they want to know that right off. I, however, want to get to know someone, as much as is possible via email, text, a phone call or three before committing a couple of hours of my time. When I state that I want to chat a bit more, quite a few seem to get frustrated and do that fade thing or insist that it’s easier to chat in person. Am I being unreasonable and if not, how long do most people communicate before meeting in person? |Age: 42
What’s funny is that you don’t want to waste two hours of your time. But you expect these men that contact you to devote two hours of their time in the hopes of passing your sniff test. And even after that time is expended, there’s still no guarantee of an actual date.
It’s not that I think you’re being unreasonable. I think you’re being unrealistic and not really considering the men and their needs and schedule. Which I guess means I think you are being unreasonable.
The thing to know about men is that men don’t need all these email exchanges and phone calls and time before deciding if the two hours will be worth it. Men don’t use phone calls as a way to discern if there is chemistry. To most of them, conversations on the phone are awkward, unnecessary and pointless. The men that do need multiple email exchanges and phone calls are probably not ready to date or in a good place emotionally.
The same goes for the women who think all these steps are necessary. This isn’t a safety thing. This is a “let me see how badly you want to meet me” thing. Or it’s a “I’m not ready to date anyway so I want to drag this out so I can find flaws about you that convince me things won’t work out” thing.
This is similar to the post from the other day about the woman who wanted to talk to her FWB because the condom broke and she wanted to know if he’s been tested. This need for days worth of emails and multiple phone calls and texts is just a way to get the other person to “prove” how interested they are and create a sense of intimacy that doesn’t exist.
You’re basically asking someone to invest a few hours of time on you based on two or three paragraphs and the inclusion of a few hobbies. You’re a picture on a page on the internet. That’s it.
You don’t appear to have much time in general. So how much time can you possibly have to devote to a relationship? I think you need to ask yourself if you’re really interested in meeting a man with whom you can develop something substantive. To me you sound either afraid or, at least, ambivalent about the process in general. It’s understandable why you might be unsure. The dating process can be tedious and frustrating. Especially when you’re relying upon online dating. I also understand how going on date after date can induce stress or anxiety. But you have to force yourself to get past all those feelings. You also have to take the man’s time and feelings in to consideration. That’s what real relationships are all about. Considering someone other than yourself.
If you’re waiting for a situation that says “all systems go” before you even meet, you’ll be waiting a very long time. Men, for the most part, are not great communicators at this stage of the game. They’re hesitant and uneasy and unsure of what to say.
Most men give much better face time conversation than electronic conversation.
A Rift in the Chain of Communication – When What We Say Actually Hurts Us
Divorce Parties: Tasteless or Therapeutic?
The Laundry List Of Requirements