Unknown Variables & The Need for Closure
Name: jw | | Location: washington , dc |
Question: I’ve been dating a guy for almost two months. Everything seemed to be going well until recently. I am well aware of the signs men show when they are losing interest, and he has demonstrated all of them over the past two weeks…. long lags between emails and texts, not wanting to hang out as often, etc. Today he sent me an email blowing me off for the weekend (when, by the way, we didn’t have plans and I didn’t even ask him to do anything anyway!). He used a weak excuse that I know isn’t true and said that we should “catch up soon” and he “will be in touch.” That hurt, and of course, it sucks to come to the realization that what we had is virtually over. I don’t even want to see him again – it seems there is really no point and will likely only make me feel worse. My question is: do I leave it alone? That is, not reply to today’s email or any future communication from him and just let it go? Or should I actually end it with him? (or I guess I should say, acknowledge that it is over).Part of me wants to reply to his email and say something like “don’t worry about it – point taken. It’s been fun, best of luck.”The reason I kind of want to do that is to tell him, hey, dude, I get what’s happening! I’m not stupid! It’s over, I’ll deal with it, whatever! Because I honestly wonder if he thinks that I am going to sit around waiting until he feels like getting in touch and that I will then just come running when he snaps his fingers. No. I’m also not interested in waiting around until HE decides to dump me. Also, I don’t enjoy the approach of just ignoring someone when the relationship is ending. I don’t appreciate it when guys do it to me, and therefore try not to make it a practice. At the same time, I don’t want to make myself look like a fool by emailing him. Words can easily backfire and I’m not even really sure what to say anyway. Bottom line: I want to keep my pride in tact and am not sure the best way to approach this situation. I would love any advice you could provide. Thank you! |Age: 32
He used a weak excuse that I know isn’t true
Okay. But just because you know it isn’t true doesn’t mean he does. I use this phrase from time to time, but most times people are as honest as they can be in any particular moment.When you’re outside of a particular situation, it’s much easier to identify and pinpoint the cause and effect process. But when you’re in it…there isn’t as much clarity. It’s absolutely impossible to know, without a shadow of a doubt, what he’s thinking. You think you do, and you’re probably spot on to some degree. But there are still unknown variables. You very well might know what ABC is, but there’s still XYZ. And it’s those factors that, if they are ever supplied, are what produce a full picture. The fact is, you have no idea what is going on in his life. Nor, quite frankly, do you seem to be considering him at all.
I don’t even want to see him again – it seems there is really no point and will likely only make me feel worse.
Nah. You want to see him again. Pretending you don’t will only delay the inevitable moment you must have in order to fully move on. That’s the hurt. Right now, you think you’re angry. And you are, of course. But anger is a secondary emotion that comes immediately after we experience pain. The transformation occurs in milliseconds. Being angry gives us a false sense of control or power. In other words…it’s not real.
My question is: do I leave it alone? That is, not reply to today’s email or any future communication from him and just let it go? Or should I actually end it with him?
Well, you can say whatever you like. Just don’t kid yourself that you’ll be the one ending things. You won’t. He’s already done it , it appears. But you have no idea why. Remember…unknown variables. You have no clue what is really going on in his head. For all you know he’s going through something personal that has him off his game or feeling confused. Or he very well might have just lost interest. The why isn’t important right now. What’s important is that you maintain your composure. Saying something disingenuous like how you felt it wasn’t working or something similar would just be to save face or a pre-emptive strike. He’ll let you do it because he probably doesn’t want to hurt or shame you. That was never his intention, I don’t think. What you want to do, for no other reason than you always want to walk away from a situation with your dignity in tact, is to reply and say “No Problem. Talk soon!” If you do wish to hear from him again, and let’s face it, you do, then you need to make him think that it is easy for you to let go as it appears to have been for him. Yes. It’s a game. Suck it, game haters.
.”The reason I kind of want to do that is to tell him, hey, dude, I get what’s happening! I’m not stupid! It’s over, I’ll deal with it, whatever!
Yes, and you certainly sound totally unaffected, don’t you? It’s hard to be restrained in these situations. Which is why less is more. One, you’ll be less likely to put your foot in your mouth. Two, you’ll seem less available.
Because I honestly wonder if he thinks that I am going to sit around waiting until he feels like getting in touch and that I will then just come running when he snaps his fingers. No.
Okay. Slow down, Annie Oakley. You’ve already decided this guy is a steam turd. And no doubt you’ve gone to your friends and retold the story and they’ve all decided he’s a piece of crap and a coward. How about…just taking his message at face value? He’s unavailable at the moment. End of fucking story. The worst possible thing we can do in these moments is to come up with some backstory as to who this person really is and what their motivations are. This is why I loathe this whole “he’s not attracted to you, you’re B-list, he just dated you until something better came along” junk. All of that could be true. Since you don’t have a space in their head, you don’t really know why things didn’t work out. This is how dating often goes. Getting blown off is not some anomaly. It happens to everyone. Frequently. It happens until it stops happening. You should always take a step back and look at the situations and determine the commonalities of all these experiences. Is your behavior a common denominator? Is there something about you that leads you to be in these situations? Figuring this out requires real self-awareness and objectivity. But you can’t automatically assume anything. Someone could be super attractive and appealing and do everything right and date people who are very attracted to them and could still end up getting blown off. If dating were that simple and easy, and getting ditched was rare, there would be no need for online dating and coaches and advice experts and singles events. Sometimes it’s you. Sometimes it’s them. Sometimes it’s the both of you. Sometimes it’s circumstances. Forget about trying to figure them out. Only focus on you and your behavior.
Nobody likes to feel discarded or unimportant. What usually leads us to feeling that way is how we interpret the situation. And our interpretation is almost always distorted because we aren’t objective.
I’m also not interested in waiting around until HE decides to dump me. Also, I don’t enjoy the approach of just ignoring someone when the relationship is ending.
So then don’t wait around. Move on with your life. Why do you need him to do or say anything? He’s not a long time partner. You have no merged assets. You don’t want to end things. You just want to be the one to say it first so you won’t feel so insignificant. There is no contest here, no prize for the person who dumps the other first. Right now, you’re choosing to stay stuck in this situation. He’s not available right now. He told you in the best only way he knew how. He didn’t say he didn’t want to see you again, or that he was no longer interested. He just said he wasn’t around for an upcoming weekend. You have the relationship dead to rights. Which it likely is..for now. Push and you’ll certainly never see him again. You shouldn’t wait for him to figure out what he wants. You should be out there pursuing your options. There’s a possibility he’ll come back. Maybe you’ll be available. Maybe you won’t. But you have this guy pegged as being a certain type, and you’re sure you know exactly what he’s doing. Should this guy re-enter the picture in a few weeks you’ll be so wound up that you’ll never be able to get past everything you’re feeling right now. So just stop.
In closing, let’s talk closure. That’s really want the OP wants. Closure. A reason. An explanation. Here’s the thing about closure….the main reason why we rarely ever get it is because the person that we want it from often doesn’t even know why they did what they did. That kind of clarity can only come from real self-awareness, and that usually requires distance from the situation. By the time the person has that clarity, the issue could be long dead and so they think it best to just let it lie.
Some family members and a couple close friends are members of AA.I learned some time ago that one of the 12 steps is making amends to people you feel you’ve slighted as a result of addiction. There’s a reason why that’s step 9 and not step 2. The person in recovery needs to undergo a pretty intensive journey full of introspection and accountability in order to gain the clarity needed to make proper amends. It’s only then that they can move on to the step for making amends and create a comprehensive list of those they feel are owed an apology. Steps 1 through 8 are about helping people acknowledging their powerlessness and helping them come to terms with whatever issues drove them to become addicts.
We assume that being honest with ourselves should come naturally. It doesn’t. Acknowledging that you may have caused someone pain or strife is very difficult. As is admitting that you feel hurt or ashamed or insecure. Once that flood gate opens, it can become a torrent of self-loathing.
Being honest with ourselves and with each other is not second nature. That’s why taking an angry stance usually doesn’t work when seeking an answer to why you were dumped. When someone is met with anger, they’re going to go in defense mode. They’re not going to give you anything.
People in AA like to say “Let Go and Let God.” Which means, if I may paraphrase, get the hell out of your own way and admit to yourself that you are powerless in the situation
What’s funny is that once you give in and accept the situation and there’s no anger blocking your ability to forgive (yourself or the other person) or forget, when you least expect it, you might just get that heartfelt apology and explanation. An answer to the questions. Peace of mind. But if you can’t let go of whatever happened in the past, you’ll be so busy looking for an angle and listening to all the negative messages in your head that you won’t hear it.
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