The Diet Coke of Relationships
Hi,
Last year was dating a guy (in his mid 30’s) who said upfront that he was bad with communication & long story short, he started showing ‘red flags’ within 3 months of us dating & by the 5th month he sent me a ‘it’s not you it’s me’ break up email. He also requested friendship & appeared sincere with the request. After no contact for 6 weeks – we started contact once more, and since then have been in a weird friends with benefits situation. This resulted in a pregnancy scare – that we were both mature & supportive of one another throughout – and if anything brought us closer. We’re now back to the stage where it’s like we’re dating again – without actually discussing it. We enjoy good sex with one another, both feel comfortable around each other & get along great – like best friends.
Now – I accept that he wasn’t & probably isn’t that into me – otherwise he wouldn’t have broken up with me & wouldn’t be happy with an open ended relationship. I’m going with it for the time being as it suits my current busy lifestyle & is comfortable (lazy I know), but I have said up front that I will be looking to internet date etc later this year in the search of finding someone who ‘clicks’ with me & also wants a committed relationship. My question is – what is up with him dumping me last year but mere months later growing ever closer to me now that the so called relationship pressure is off him? He’s never been married nor has kids – so it’s possible he’s a commitmentphobe, but he’s also the typical ‘nice guy’ & does claim that he wants a long term relationship…..just not with me clearly. I’m not naive – guess I’m looking for a male’s perspective on this situation. Why break up with a woman only to go back & start a quasi relationship with the person you dumped?
Confused.
he started showing ‘red flags’ within 3 months of us dating & by the 5th month he sent me a ‘it’s not you it’s me’ break up email. He also requested friendship & appeared sincere with the request.
It wasn’t you. It was him, in that he didn’t want a relationship and things were becoming too relationship-y. His request for friendship was more of a way for him to leave the option for sex on the table without all the relationship-y stuff. Most men don’t mean it when they say they want to be friends. They don’t want to be friends. They want to have sex. That’s what they mean. But you can imagine the reaction they would get if they said, “Listen, it’s not you, it’s me. I’m just in a bad place right now. I just can’t date you. But we can still f— if you want.”
Not gonna happen. So they’ll offer “friendship.” They’ll email you, check in, blah blah. You know. Because they care about your well-being. Reading that, I know how cynical that sounds. They do “care” about you. Just not in the way you want. They don’t wish you ill will or think you’re a loser. They just don’t “care” about you in the traditional sense.
After no contact for 6 weeks – we started contact once more,
Now, by “we started contact once more” I assume you mean you, right? Because if he had contacted you first, you’d have been sure to say that. Just want to clarify. These little details are important, and they’re usually the ones people leave out of the story.
and since then have been in a weird friends with benefits situation. This resulted in a pregnancy scare – that we were both mature & supportive of one another throughout – and if anything brought us closer.
Mmmmm…I’m not sure I believe that. Did it really bring you closer or do you just think it did? Having been through this myself, I know it’s easy to believe that the guy in this particular type of situation (casual) genuinely is concerned about you. Mostly he’s just praying you get your period. He’ll check in every day and ask how you’re feeling, etc. He’s concerned more about how his life is going to be disrupted than anything else. Which is why I don’t ever tell a guy I’m late. I take a test first. For one, I’m going to be anxious enough without him constantly texting me asking if I got my period. For two, it’s just brutal to do to someone. When it’s your boyfriend, it’s a different story. When we enter in to casual situations like this, with no clear boundaries, we should know that this is a possibility and expect to be able to handle things ourselves. But that’s just my take.
We’re now back to the stage where it’s like we’re dating again – without actually discussing it. We enjoy good sex with one another, both feel comfortable around each other & get along great – like best friends.
What does this mean, exactly? It’s like you’re dating. You’re either dating or you’re not. And you’re only dating if you and the other person explicitly agree that you’re dating. You’re not discussing it because you don’t want to rock the boat since he’s already proven once that he’ll bail at the first sign of things becoming relationship-y. And talking about what it is you’re doing and what you have is relationship-y. There’s dating dating and there’s casual dating. Dating dating involves a mutual agreement that you’re dating. It also involves doing stuff other than grabbing a drink every once in while as a precursor to sex. Casual dating is just that. It’s undefined and it is open ended. It involves little to know real activity other than drinking/eating and sex. He could lie his pretty lil’ head on the pillow and tell you all his hopes and dreams…still doesn’t mean you’re actually dating.
Now – I accept that he wasn’t & probably isn’t that into me – otherwise he wouldn’t have broken up with me & wouldn’t be happy with an open ended relationship.
It doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with you personally. There could be a bazillion reasons why he did what he did. All of which fall under the umbrella of “I don’t want a relationship.” Maybe not at all. Maybe not with you. Either way, it doesn’t matter. This is his homework, not yours.
I’m going with it for the time being as it suits my current busy lifestyle & is comfortable (lazy I know), but I have said up front that I will be looking to internet date etc later this year in the search of finding someone who ‘clicks’ with me & also wants a committed relationship.
Nah. You’re going with it because you like him. That’s why you’re going with it. If this guy told you he wanted you to be his girlfriend, you’d say yes. So let’s stop all the denial and excuses. You’re sticking with this guy because you like him. Which is perfectly acceptable. But don’t start lying to yourself, because that’s a slippery slope. You also shouldn’t waste your time giving him the heads up that you’ll be doing online dating..eventually. He doesn’t care. You should be doing it now. You’re closing yourself off waiting for this guy to change his mind, and that’s probably not going to happen.
Men respond to direct communication. What do you need? Identify that, specifically, and ask him. No hemming or hawwing or excuses or fluffed up crap where you’re catering to his “fear of commitment.” “I think things with us are pretty solid and I’d like to give a real relationship a try. What do you think?” That’s it. Short and sweet.
My question is – what is up with him dumping me last year but mere months later growing ever closer to me now that the so called relationship pressure is off him?
Nothing has changed. You just accepted his terms. All this “we’ve grown closer” stuff is in your head. Here’s the real kicker…the longer you allow this guy to come and go as he pleases without defining what you have, the less he’s going to respect you. And the harder it will be to get him to turn things around. Right now, you are a man’s wet dream. All the sex and companionship, none of the heavy stuff like commitment or monogamy. Tastes great, less filling. I’ll bet anything you make yourself totally available to him. Don’t do that, not if what you want is a real relationship. You are conditioning him to expect something in return for giving little to nothing. Good luck with trying to change that.Why would a man give up this kind of situation? Answer: He wouldn’t. It’s too easy and completely built around his needs.
He’s never been married nor has kids – so it’s possible he’s a commitmentphobe, but he’s also the typical ‘nice guy’ & does claim that he wants a long term relationship
No, no, no. We have to stop using that excuse. Especially now. Lots of people are opting for these casual relationships, and it has nothing to do with a fear of anything. They just don’t need the obligation. Their lives are full, they are self-sufficient, they have friends and family and lovers. And, yeah, they’re likely pretty disconnected and detached, which is a by product of the total break down in communication and self-absorption that is running rampant out there. It’s a whole new “Me Generation.” Of course he’s going to tell you that he’s “open” to having a relationship. He needs you to believe that it’s a possibility so you’ll stick around. Or maybe he actually believes it. But there are plenty of people out there who say they’re open to having a real relationship who aren’t. They’re just saying they are so they don’t appear dead inside in some way or because they think society expects them to want one. I’m not implying that he’s intentionally trying to manipulate you. I think he’s probably been sticking to the same script for so long that he actually believes it and sees the results he can cull from saying it. Again..conditioning.
Why break up with a woman only to go back & start a quasi relationship with the person you dumped?
Because you let him. Simple as that. This is what he wanted all along. He just didn’t know how to say it to you, probably because he didn’t want to hurt you.
You have to realize something. Men are extremely simple to understand, if you let yourself understand them without projecting all your preconceived ideas on to them. I have no doubt that when you do speak up and ask him what’s going on, things will change and he will pull back. And he knows you know it. Don’t give him that satisfaction unless you can continue on with this situation without getting attached.
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